Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Sharon Stone Cums Clean

Move over Sue Johnson. Step aside Dr. Ruth; there's another name in celebrity permiscuousness.

That's right, folks! A report from the UK says that the 48-year old, Sharon Stone, stated in a recent interview that she believes teenagers should be prepared to engage in oral sex, if it saves them from the dangers of an aggressive person that is pushing them to have sex.

Once I had recovered from the initial shock of hearing Sharon Stone advocating oral sex; my next immediate reaction was: WTF?*

But it's true. In a bizarre explanation, the noted psycho screen siren tells this story, according to Contact Music UK:

"I was in the store the other day and I watched a young girl trying on clothes, showing her abdomen.

"Her mother was trying to talk to her about not being inappropriately luring. I said, 'Gee that would look much nicer with a camisole under.' "Her mother walked away, and I said to the girl, 'I'd like to give you a two-minute conversation about sex.' "Young people talk to me about what to do if they're being pressed for sex? I tell them (what I believe): oral sex is a hundred times safer than vaginal or anal sex.

"If you're in a situation where you cannot get out of sex, offer a blow job. I'm not embarrassed to tell them."

Okay - somebody had better put this blonde Hollywood retard in check. Just because she herself has probably gone done more times than an Olympic ice dancer doesn't immediately make her an authority on safe sex. Besides, wasn't she the one that shamelessly flashed her shaved hoo-hoo on the big screen only 13 years ago in the original Basic Instinct?

First of all, what exactly does Sharon mean by "a situation where you cannot get out of sex"? You mean, like - hello - RAPE maybe? And if so, surely she doesn't mean to imply that teenage girls, when faced with an "aggressive person" forcing them into sex against their will, should just stop trying to fight them off - go with the flow, if you will - and instead drop to their knees to reward their would-be assailant by sucking his dick? Good plan, bimbo!

Before he blows his load - blow his mind with a time-altering humjob!

Whatever happened to "just say no!" for pete sakes? According to Ms. Stone, maybe we should just change this vastly outdated old world euphemism to "okay, lets get this over with". Should we really be making it easier for rapists to get their jollies off? In keeping with this theory of passive resistance, maybe, instead of endlessly preaching on about safe sex to these teenaged girls, we should just hand out the free condoms to the actual perverts and sexual deviants. Hey, if they're going to force themselves on people anyways, we may as well promote them to do it safely, right?

And secondly, who in their right-fucking-mind approaches teenaged girls in department stores when their parents backs are turned to have "two-minute conversation(s) about sex"? That's just wrong on so many different levels! I don't care who it is - strangers should not discuss oral sex with other strangers children. I don't care if even the Pope himself approaches my daughter to discuss the holy sanctity of oral favors - I'd go all Resevoir Dogs on his ass in a heartbeat and knee him square in the Charlie Brown's for being the self-righteous pervert he was!

You just don't do that kind of thing! I could pull up any number of celebity convictions to repeatedly prove that point, but I'm sure it will all come out crystal clear at Sharon's future sanity hearing.

Way to step up to the plate and be a role model to teens, yutz.

* Then I got a chubby the size of Rhode Island, and so, beat one out while thinking about Sienna Miller uncrossing her legs in a director's chair.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Seal of Disapproval (Part II)

Despite the recent efforts of celebrities Paul McCartney, and wife Heather Mills, to sway us bloodthirsty Canadians from our tradtional harp seal hunts, Canadian Minister of Fisheries and Oceans Loyola Hearn announced Wednesday that the government was going increase the quota this year to 335,000 seals . This newly set quota exceeds last years cull by 15,000.

Sucks to be a harp seal, I agree - but "Oh, happy day!"

Imagine that - the cockamamie protest antics of Sir Paul out on the Canadian ice floes only two short weeks ago, had the actual reverse effect. How's that for sending a message?

I suppose the McCartney's made only one mistake with their whole protest, one which shines in its flawed magnificence: Inuits don't give a shit about Paul McCartney or the Beatles. As far as they were concerned, it was just another dipshit in a red snow suit standing between them and dinner.

As part of the 2006-2010 Atlantic Seal Management Plan, Hearn said a quota of 325,000 (the largest marine mammal kill on Earth) is set for the regular hunt, plus an additional 10,000 harp seal allowance has been set aside for new aboriginal initiatives, personal use and Arctic hunts. This one-year allowance will provide opportunities for aboriginal communities to access the resource - ie. kick some harp seal ass - and benefit from this growing market*, Hearn said. He concluded by adding: "Now, git in there and lets see some good club-handling!"

Besides the economic benefits of the hunt, seals are an important source of nutrition, as well as a focus of social and cultural life for aboriginal peoples and other residents of Atlantic Canada, Quebec and the Far North, according to the Canadian Department of Fisheries and Oceans (DFO).

Basically, it's just a shitload of fun - something for the whole famly!

But this just isn't going to stop the onslaught of celebrities or keep them from their precious photo ops and press releases. Next on the celebrity band-wagon is 71-year-old French film legend Brigitte Bardot who plans on visiting Ottawa next week despite health problems with the hope of meeting Prime Minister Stephen Harper and voicing her concerns on the issue. Bardot has concentrated on animal rights in recent years, and although not vegetarian, has taken a personal oath to "never have anything that hasn't been brutally murdered first." Huh? What does she think her gourmet cutlets died of - lonelines?

Honestly, iff all these celebrities really cared about the baby harp seals as much as they did about appearing in front of cameras, they could probably make a single personal donation large enough to subsidize the entire fucking hunt! Paul McCartney must spend as least that amount in a year on gold embroidered toilet paper alone. Although I'm sure they'd miss their bashing in of seal brains, I'm sure the Inuits could be swayed with enough greenbacks. But, nooooo! The United States Humane Society still has a hard-on for screwing with us Canadians.

But that's okay. Just like the stripper at any Republican campaign party - we can take it.

Most recently, Liberal Senator Celine Hervieux-Payette wrote in response to an email from the McLellan family of Minnesota who were considering cancelling a vacation and boycotting Canadian seafood because they are opposed to the "horrific" annual cull. Hervieux-Payette's response, coming only two days later, defended the harp seal hunt as an exercise in controlling the population and ensuring the livelihood of local hunters and fishermen. She defended Canada by stating: "what I find 'horrific' about your country is the daily killing of innocent people in Iraq, the execution of mainly black prisoners in U.S., the massive sale of guns to U.S. citizens every day, the destabilization of the whole world by the aggressive foreign policy of U.S. government, etc.,"

In your face, bitches! Brav-fucking-o.

Like our national economy was ever at risk just because your family flea circus should decide to quit eating your Captain Highliner. Ann, Pam, Nancy and Dale McLellan can just go fuck themselves if they think we're "going against what (they) like about Canada." They're probably the kind of people who could have their family income garnished by Columbia House in the first place, and for which "Cow Bingo" is a sport. What do we care what they do? Did they think it was just all beaver dams and SCTV up here or something?

Go suck beaver shit, dimwads.

Hervieux-Payette further explained that "they are not killed for sport reasons like our deer, moose by Canadian and U.S. hunters. You may visit us and you will see that we are a safe and humane society, respecting the traditions of the aboriginal people, not trying to impose the 'white people' standards of living on them."

Meaning we like to promote our unique cultural tastes and flavors. And everybody knows that nothing compliments a fine ethyl alcohol like a good 'ol fried seal fritter.

So sharpen up your rusty nails and practise your home run swing, my fellow Canucks, seal season is about to start anew. I am so excited that I can feel my heart beating in my teeth. What else is there to say? May your strokes be swift and deadly; may your carcasses be plentiful, and may the seed of your loins grow fruitful in the bellies of all your conquests...

...let the beatings begin.

* Canada exports seal products in three forms: sealskins, seal oil and seal meat. Mmmmmm...s-e-a-l m-e-a-t.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

"Baa, baa black sheep, have you any sense?"

Sometimes the world is just too fucked up to contemplate.

As a further example of how crazy this world has become I give you, Exhibit A: traditional nursery rhymes are being rewritten at U.K. nursery schools to avoid causing offence to children.

Now, maybe I've been living in my own little Atheistic Pleasuredom for too long here - but how fucking stupid is that?

Instead of singing “Baa baa, black sheep” - written in 1744 satirising the taxes imposed on wool exports - as generations of children have learnt to do, toddlers in Oxfordshire are now being taught to sing “Baa baa, rainbow sheep” instead. Honestly, between banning peanut butter sandwiches in public schools and enforcing strict "No Running" policies in schoolyards, life must be about as exciting for children now as watching water boil - just don't get too close!

The move, which critics will seize on as an example of political correctness, was made after the nurseries decided to re-evaluate their approach to equal opportunities to ensure that nobody is centered out according to their race or creed. Isn't that nice? We have no problems forcefeeding them purple dinosaurs and four weird technicolor butt plug looking things named Tinky-Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa, and Po - but point out a single black sheep and suddenly everybody goes all Orange Alert. Maybe if the black sheep had been named Tay* and was seen eating watermelon, or lifting televisions, I might see their case.

Consider this possible modern retelling of the classic nursury rhyme:

S'up, black sheep,
You gots me any wool, nigger?
I gots three bags fo schizzle.
One for my homeboy,
One for the dame,
And one for that beotch
Who runs the malt liquor store up on Cherry Lane.

Stuart Chamberlain, manager of the Family Centre in Abingdon and the Sure Start centre in Sutton Courtenay, Oxfordshire, told the local Courier Journal newspaper: “We have taken the equal opportunities approach to everything we do." He continued to add "that this is a fairly standard practise across nurseries. We are following stringent equal opportunities rules. No one should feel pointed out because of their race, gender or anything else.”

Thats great and all - but we're talking about sheep here, arn't we? And who the fuck has ever heard of a Rainbow Sheep anyways? How ostracized and centered out is that sheep going to feel? Tell me that! Isn't that Rainbow Sheep now going to be at risk of being victimized in some late night hate crime perpetrated by skinheads for being homosexual as he skips down the lane with his three bags of wool?

In keeping with the new approach, teachers at the nurseries have reportedly also changed the ending of Humpty Dumpty so as not to upset the children and dropped the seven dwarfs from the title of Snow White. Now why would anybody ever get worked up over an omlette? Likewise, what did the seven dwarfs ever do to warrent such public distain? Shit, I once saw a video back in my dorm days that featured Sneezy getting gang-banged by the Keebler Elves - and it didn't exactly affect my world perspective any!

So why are we spending so much time and energy revising perfectly fine nursury rhymes in an effort to protect our children from, what, life? Has anybody ever known anyone to ever become upset at being called a Black Sheep?

It didn't offend Robert Conrad, did it?

Where does it all end? Madness I tell you.

* As in :"Boo-TAY"

Monday, March 13, 2006

More Than Just Cultist Zealots!

You know who has been creeping me out lately? Ted, the Canadian Tire guy. Actually, Ted has been a pebble in the shoe for just about every Canadian with a television in the past decade.

What's this guys story exactly? For example, why do all his promoted products almost exclusively deal with the reestablishing of power to one's home beyond the normal conventional means? What does he know that the rest of us don't?

Something has gone terrible awry, I tell you, and I'm not the only person who seemed to sense it as this idiot savant neighbor, as well as his annoying bitch wife Gloria, were recently dumped by Canadian Tire for any future television commericals.

Now don't get me wrong - this is a good thing. This know-it-all bastard would have grated against my nerves had he really lived beside me so that I might have been moved to strangle him whenthe lights next went out - which in his neighborhood, was like every other fucking day! Apparently, eight years of this condescending advise affected the marketing CEO's at Canadian Tire as well.

He had a neatly trimmed beard, a perfectly creased plaid work shirt, a smug attitude, and a voice that would crack glass. Obviously he isn't your average garden-variety Baby Boomer who simply has to have the latest techno-marvel or trinket of weird gadgetry, although if the commercials give you anything to go on, this guy must have spent the equivalent of the Gross National Product for any small country on Canadian Tire gizmos and doodads. But there is something even more sinister lurking underneath his stained friendly facade than first meets the eye.

So, where I'm thrilled that I will no longer have to witness this annoying dickwad's rampant wussyness or eager-to-please advise any more, I'm nervous about what comes next. It seems to me that for the past eight years worth of Canadian Tire commercials, this guy has ammassed quite an extensive arsenaul of survivalist equipment; from no-slip radial tires to non-rechargeable battery packs. One can't help but think that he was on to something all along. Christ, by now the guy probably has more weapons of mass destruction than Saddam ever had!

In fact, this suspicious asshat never, ever, loaned anything out - period! Sure, he was always willing to show off and discuss all his newly aquired intruments, but he never really offered to help anybody, did he? In fact, looking back on it now, his whole sales approach seemed to be more of a "my family has power and yours doesn't, so we're not going to starve or be preyed upon in the pitch dark by hungry, maurading hordes of destitutes like yours is - na, na, na, na, naaaa". It must have been like living nextdoor to Jim Jones!

Some friendly neighbor!

The man preached about these gadgets with the same dedicated seriousness of any extremist cult convert. I wonder if over all this time he has really been preparing himself for the upcoming rapture when men and women will be ultimately judged and Mother Nature will rise to take one last collossal dump on our fragile ecosystem to signal the end.

I suspect, that Ted was planning on being the first in line to be deemed worthy to pass into the Promised Land and I doubt he will be offering any hand-ups to stragglers at that point. Come time, he'll be beating them away with his new aluminum mag-light and laughing. Afterall, you never saw him trying to hock his neighbors anything that might be used in defence, like say, big knives or power crossbows, did you?

Oh, noooooo!

Perhaps he was just biding his time all along waiting to inherit the earth and all it's resources from a conveniently slaughtered infidel citizenry. Sure he was all about preaching the good word about handy power tools in the past, but now I'm sure he's going to be pretty pissed as we lead into the Great Cleansing.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

"Ding! Dong! The Bitch is Dead!"

The news reports are now beginning to flow in with tsunami force about the recent death of former Yugoslavian leader Slobodan Milosevik this past Saturday when he was found laying lifeless in his cell at the U.N. detention centre like a kipper on a cracker.

For those of you who droped too much E and danced your way through the 90's in a pair of sparkly gold lame man panties, completely oblivious to ongoing plights of the world at the time, Milosevik has been on trial for charges of genocide and crimes against humanity for his involvement in the bloody Balkan conflicts. At the expense of the three hundred thousand people dead and another 2.5 million homeless in Coatia, Bosnia, and Kosovo, Milosevik emmerged himself as the Hannibal Lector of Eastern European politics. The kind of person that quicksand would spit up.

The rap sheet of over 66 charges brought against him by the U.N. reads like the roll call of offenses for the inmates at any maximum security asylum. Rape, torture, money-laundering, terrorism; the list just goes on and on. Milosevic has been accused of orchestrating the butchering and slaughtering of thousands of displaced people and just about every war crime known to mankind up to, and including, kicking puppies. He makes Vlad the Impaler look like Little Orphan Annie by comparison.

Honestly, no wonder so many of the young girls were coming over here to be porn stars.

So why is it then that I can detect a slight remorse in Anderson Cooper's voice as he dilvers this message to the world? Why are we treating this news so solemnly? Umm, helloooo? This is Slobodan Milosevik we're talking about here - not Milla Jovovich!

Now THAT would be some tragic news.

Fuck the "we regret to inform you", or the "the world is shocked to hear about the death of...", this particular news should be set to an upbeat soundtrack of angel trumpets to herald the significant magnitude of this joyous event. We shouldn't be shocked; we should be celebrating! We should all be out dancing in the streets, huffing paint, and shot-gunning beers like we were all back at some Grade Eight house party. Or how about for that real warm fuzzy heart-tickler effect, have the news broadcasted by some somber-faced John Cusak lookalike in a trentcoat outside every window with raised ghettoblaster over his head; spreading the good word:

"All my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside"

Is anybody tearing up yet? Give me a break.

The only tragedy here is the fact that Milosevik wasn't able to stay alive long enough for us to apply the thumb screws. "It is a pity he didn't live to the end of the trial to get the sentence he deserved," Croatian President Stipe Mesic said. Yeah, that about sums it up. You just know there was a long line of people waiting for the chance to kick this guys in the Charlie Brown's; and fat chance any of them are shedding any tears now.

It's not like this guy was ever going to see the light of day again. We should have just put the bullet between his eyes when we had the chance. Or just strip him naked and turn him loose on the ravaged streets of Kosovo to meet his fate at the hands of victimized Muslim refugees.

The biographical video montages of this guy's past attrocities now being played on CNN are like being glued to a David Cronenberg movie marathon. They are also reporting that Milosevik's family and loyal supporters are now criticizing the U.N. for not allowing him to travel to Russia to recieve specialized medical treatment for his failing health.


The man should have been locked away in the dark for the rest of his life and forced to shit in a hole in the ground. I'll would be shot in the chest with projectile diarreha before I would ever feel any sympathy for his physical condition. They should just consider it fortunate that he wasn't staked to an anthill during the trial like he deserved. Besides, who wouldn't have high blood pressure or chances of heart attack if they were facing being found guilty of war crimes and hanged in the town square? Shit, I'd be a walking hemorrhage waiting to happen.

But fuck that, toss the bastard an Aspirin and lets get on with the damn show.

Dovidenja, prostituka*!

* Roughly translates as: "Goodbye, you bitch."

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Seal of Disapproval

Canada is once again at odds with another attention-seeking public celebrity. This time by one, Sir Paul McCartney, over the on-going commercial seal hunts in the Gulf of St. Lawrence.

What is it with Canada lately and it's being attacked by aging rock stars? First it was Bob Geldof over the failed 0.7 percent pledging of our gross national product towards the faminie relief efforts in Africa; and then again by St. Bono to boot! What is it about us that seems to just screams "EASY TARGET!" to any modern day media rebel with a cause?

This time, ex-Beatle Paul McCartney and his wife Heather Mills took on Newfoundland and Labrador Premier Danny Williams in heated debate over the Canadian harp seal hunt. Premier Williams defended himself and Canadians on a recent airing of CNN's Larry King Live by accusing the high-profile couple of being completely misinformed and ultimately manipulated by animal rights groups.

The McCartney's are the newest celebrities to hop on board this cause by calling the seal hunt "inhumane and a stain on Canadian's reputation". The camera happy couple visited and posed with seal pups on an ice flow off the Magdalen Islands in the Gulf of St. Lawrence Thursday.

This of course only further pissed off Newfie Premier Williams to no end who then came out swinging like a blinded boxer during the televised debate by claiming that the hunt has been carried out humanely, and that it is supported by scientists, veterinarians and organizations like the UN and the World Wildlife Fund.

Take that, you Walrus bastard!

The fact is, that the McCartney's seem to have this misguided notion that all Canadians have blood-stained clubs in our closets at home and all go out wacking seal pups over the noggin every chance we get. Never mind the fact that the seal population has tripled in recent years from two million to 5.8 million. If these numbers were allowed to drastically increase, there could be the very inhumane possibility that the seals would then begin to starve. How cute and effective would your average emmaciated seal pup be to Greenpeace activists then?

Shit, the seals would be begging for the club!

Sure, sure, we went a little club-happy back in the 50's and 60's with our hunts reducing the seal population to a dangerously low level, but we've since stopped that overculling of the seal populations. Likewise, we've since upgraded our traditional clubbing methods to simply shooting them in the head. It's less satisfying, sure, but we have progressed with the times as needed.

The McCartney's have tried to paint this picture by repeatedly using brutal videos from past hunts that we are all blood-thirsty barbarians. Yep! That's right, Mr. McCartney. We Canadians love three things: Beer and bacon, hockey, and killing baby seals. Yes sir, we Canadians love our seal hunts like Maury Povich loves his paternity suits! As I understand it, a bloodied seal corpse used to be the recognized emblem on our national flag before we decided to go with the maple leaf instead. We decided to keep the red color however because it was still pretty bad ass.

As a child, I remember waking up at the crack of dawn to hammer nails through the end of a Louisville Slugger in preparation for our big annual family seal hunt vacation. I also still love me a good fried seal fritter* on a Friday night too.

*Sigh*...good times indeed.

The interesting thing is, the McCartneys' visit was arranged by the Humane Society of the United States, which said the pop star's involvement attracted enormous media attention around the world. Huh? Don't the Yanks have enough on their plate already without having to worry about sicking the McCartney's on us as well? Besides, isn't this English wanker from a country whose aristrocacy still loves to catch and torture small burrowing mammals on mounted hunts with packs of dogs?

Oh yeah.

Maybe 'ol Paul McCartney had better think of sticking to championing causes for which he might be a little better affiliated instead on mindlessly submitting himself to the fancies of his peg-leg wife! At least stop being a media lapdog long enough to sit down over a bottle of Screech with the local sealer powers-that-be to dicuss the sitation, and their livelihood, first.

Better yet - just fuck off and peddle your Jesus Juice somewhere else before I'm tempted to bring 'ol Betsy out of retirement from my closet and challenge you to a duel at Medieval Times and club your self-righteous pontsy ass back to the Neolithic Period myself in the messiest public display since the Valentine's Day Massacre!

"Goo goo g’joob" assbasket!

* Mama's recipe for Seal Brain Fritters:

2 Seal brains
1 tb Salt
1 tb Vinegar
Water to cover
2 tb Egg powder, mixed with
6 tb Luke warm water
1/2 c Flour
1/4 c Milk
1/2 ts Salt
1/4 ts Pepper
1/4 ts Mixed herbs
2 tb Melted butter
Fat for deep frying

Wash the seal brains in salted water. Remove loose skin and blood.
Soak the brains in fresh cold water for 1 hour, changing the water two or three times.
Cover with water to which 1 tablespoon salt and 1 tablespoon vinegar has been added and boil for 15 minutes. Drain and pat dry.
Mash the brains until soft and light.
Mix the flour, eggs and milk together, beating well to make a soft smooth batter.
Add the brains, melted butter, herbs, salt and pepper to the batter, and mix well.
Drop tablespoons of the mixture into hot fat and deep fry until golden brown.
Drain the fritters well before serving. Serves 4.

From _Northern Cookbook_ edited by Eleanor A. Ellis, Information Canada 1973