Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Breakfast At Lucifer's

I had the unfortunate experience this morning of having a bowl of Alpen cereal and let me tell you: YUCK!

I had originally settled on this particular brand of breakfast cereal as it advertised itself on the shelf as a “naturally delicious Swiss style cereal”. Who doesn’t love the Swiss, right? But as it turns out, the only thing “naturally delicious” about this Alpen cereal was the box it came in. I understand that the Swiss are already notorious world round for their yummy chocolate, buxom swimsuit models, reliable time pieces, handy utility knives, and tax evasion, but what a surprise to learn that the Swiss also renown for eating pure evil for breakfast too.

I was originally lured in to this lie by the promise of whole grain, high fiber, low fat, no preservatives and no added salt. What can I say? It must have been all the vegetables in my system that was making me act all naïve and impulsive. But whoever knew this was also the same formula for spoiled ass?

Seriously, this “Original Alpen” breakfast cereal tastes like shit. I guess that’s just the price you pay in Switzerland for being blonde, beautiful, and neutral. Even more intriguing was 'The Whole Grain Story' printed on the back of the box. Surely, given the nastiness contained within, ‘Revelations’ might have been more appropriate.

But I digress.

The story begins: “Recent scientific studies have confirmed what our ancestors already know generations ago: diets rich in whole grains play a major role in helping us to stay healthy.”

Sadly, what those same scientific studies didn’t tell you was that whole grains, to eat, are about as enjoyable as eating day old cat vomit. After about two spoonfuls my mouth was about as dry as a popcorn fart. You’d think that our ancestors existing all those generations ago might also have remembered to pass along that useful tidbit of information wouldn’t you?

I’m really beginning to distrust these neutral bastards!

But our whole grain story continues: “Over time, the mass manufacture and refining of cereals meant that only one or two parts of the grain might be present in the final cereal product even though it is the presence of each part of the grain – bran, germ, and endosperm – working together that provides the greatest health benefits.”

I have no idea what any of that means exactly, but did they just say ‘sperm’? Now if that doesn’t put you off your Alpen in the morning I don’t know what fucking will! Personally, I don’t want to eat anything that has sperm - anything – in it and I don’t care what health benefits are in it for me. It could give me super human powers and I still wouldn’t touch the shit!


I’m really starting to wonder about the Swiss. I’m even beginning to rethink this whole chocolate thing as well. I mean, ‘what if’?

But back to my box of ass.

‘The Whole Grain Story’ wraps up by telling us “the benefits of whole grain products and their role in the prevention of heart disease, certain cancers, obesity, and Type II diabetes. Expert dietary sources such as Canada’s Food Guide to Healthy Eating recommend 5-12 servings of grain products daily. We hope that you will continue to enjoy the health benefits of Alpen as well as its great taste and traditional old-fashioned goodness”.

Holy shit!

I could barely manage two small mouthfuls and now I learn I’m supposed to have 5-12 servings of this crap?

Fuck that!

Who needs healthy that badly?

The good news in all this is that each ½ cup worth of this vile foulness is only 170 calories – the same exact number of calories you’d burn racing to the bathroom in order to yak up your Alpen.