Friday, May 28, 2004

Jerry Springer Syndrome

Today I have decided that I suffer from something that I will refer to as "The Jerry Springer Syndrome".

I used to console my poor battered and bruised ego by watching episodes of Jerry Springer so that I could revel in the fact that no matter how bad things are, or seem to get, there will always be some freakish trailer-park mutant of a loser much worse off than me.

Now, I am realizing that this is only a temporary instant placebo effect. The long term exposure effects are much more dire and disconcerting. These same freaks of nature that I mock to boost my own ego are more than likely still getting more action and freak pussy than I am currently getting on any pseudo-regular basis. This ultimately leaves me with an inexplicable empty and hollow feeling as my proud malehood begins to slowly realize that if Jojo & Lupe the Siamese Lobster Twins, attached by the nipples, are getting laid, where then does that leave me on the social ladder of sexual desirables? I bet Maslow hasn't even considered a class of lowly pathetic wretched sexless beings to which I can categorize myself to wholeheartedly. I have enough to fret over already without wondering if the hermaphrodite lesbian hooker working at the cubicle beside me is getting more nookie than me. It's a LONG slide down from sexual mediocrity.

While I'm on the topic, what is it about Eastern European girls and their innate ability to wedge enormous objects up their asses? Where did this strange super-stretchy sphincters originate, and why? Do all girls in the remote countryside of Slovakia aspire to be on the box cover of "European Ass Pirates Vol. 12"? What goes on in the Eastern Bloc of Europe that conditions the women to be able to miraculously fit an entire Cadillac up their asshole?

Is it possible that from an early age, Ivanna VanRubberrectum was being trained with the same ancient ass-stretching techniques passed down through the generations from mother to daughter in the backwater regions of Ljubljana, Slovenia, so that she can include this amazing feat of durability on her future adult resume in the same way that any Western girl would include being able to type 60 words/per minute, or enjoys knitting and crocheting as an interest or hobby?


Blogger J said...

dammit I sooooooooo have this syndrome !

10:08 PM  
Blogger Bruce Khan said...

I though I was the only sufferer!

4:26 PM  

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