Monday, July 14, 2008

Seven More Deadly Sins

Way back in the 6th century, Pope Gregory handed down a list of "seven cardinal vices” from his lofty Vatican throne. These vices would then live on throughout Christendom as the infamous “Seven Deadly Sins”. The Church would continue to utilize this list in order to properly outline a strict classification system of vices to better educate and instruct early Christian followers on the fallen man's tendency to sin.

Yeah, yeah, whatever; it also meant the end of anything that could ever be considered “fun” for Catholics everywhere.

Any pious Catholic - not to mention any respectable Kung Fu aficionado - knows this list by heart already. But for those of you without a soul here’s a little refresher:

Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, and Pride.

Remember those old chestnuts?

Shit, throw in ‘Resisting Arrest’ and ‘Defecating In A Public Fountain’ and that’s my average Saturday night!

For whatever reasons these original Granddaddy’s of Evil remained pretty much intact and unedited by the Vatican for nearly 1400 years. That’s pretty impressive actually. Of course, they were originally stolen anyway from the Greek monastic Evagrius of Pontus who listed eight offences and wicked human passions in an order of increasing seriousness, but who hasn’t stolen from the Greeks at one point or another am I right?

So on with the story; fast forward to 2008:

The Vatican has once again reissued their list of Seven Deadly Sins with one notably difference: there are now FOURTEEN deadly sins.


That can’t be good.

It seems that the Vatican has now decided to unveil a list of new and improved deadly sins for our modern 21st century world, or “New Sins for a New Century”, as they so eloquently put it. Now, apart from the fact that it’s only a mere eight years too late as it is, why fuck up a perfectly good list now?

Why fuck with tradition - particularly God’s tradition?

That some serious tradition! It even makes things like running with the bulls in Spain, slipping a whoopee cushion under someone’s ass in early April, or even the Olympics themselves every four years seem like random pissing contests.

This is fucking sin we’re talking about here.

So listen up people!

I’m about to once again save your poor, pathetic excuse for an existence from ending up roasting alive in Purgatory for evermore once fate decides its time to shuffle off this mortal coil once and for all.

Lets take a look our revamped list of new millennium no-nos, shall we?

Now, besides the original seven, in order to be admitted beyond the Pearly Gates of St. Peter you must also abide by these additional holy nuggets sent forth to address to the "decreasing sense of sin" in our modern world: genetic modification, human experimentation, polluting the environment, social injustice, creating poverty, excessive wealth, and taking or selling drugs.

I guess I’m currently riding first class on the express train to Satansville - how about you?

First of all, I’m guessing that means no more growing cocks on the back of mere cats in hidden genetic laboratories. Which also means that my dreams of one day farming a monster 13’ schlong to be surgically grafted to my groinal area has also been dashed forever.

Archbishop Gianfranco Girotti, the Vatican's number-two official for sins and penance – known as the ‘Apostolic Penitentiary’ - told L'Osservatore Romano that he saw bioethics as posing the greatest risks for the human soul.

By “bioethics”, Girotti means birth control. You’d think that after centuries of plight and plague - not to mention the world’s growing hunger problem - that the Church would have loosened up on it’s whole anti-condom stance…but I digress.

"(Within bioethics) there are areas where we absolutely must denounce some violations of the fundamental rights of human nature through experiments and genetic manipulation whose outcome is difficult to predict and control," he told the Vatican's official newspaper on Sunday.

The Roman Catholic Church has of course spoken out in the past about it’s hate on* for stem cell research as they believe that all conception can only result in the sloppy ending of a good rodgering.

Call them old fashioned.

So much for curing cancer or genetic birth defects, all biogeneticists are going to Hell in a collective hand basket. Now, I love ‘The Nature of Things’ as much as the next guy, but who in their right mind would ever want to spend eternity with David Suzuki?

And what’s with the human experimentation? Did somebody leave the Space Channel on at the Vatican or something? But then again what’s life without a little ritual dissection amongst friends, right?

I suppose we’ll always have Gillett to fall back on. It may just be the grinding out of lit cigarettes into the eyeballs of innocent baby bunnies but I’ll take whatever fun I can get in this mad, cruel world.

Also interesting to note, is that the Church has also started to target lending assistance to the “widening divide between rich and poor”, as well as personally striving to achieve excessive wealth.

Umm, I hate to be the naysayer here but isn’t the Vatican itself worth an estimated 50 billion dollars? I’d really be interested in knowing what they deem to be “excessive” then.

Isn’t that like the pot calling the kettle just a bit black?

The Church has not only the power to significantly aid world poverty but to actually kick world poverty’s ass once and for all! But yet, I’m going straight to Hell if I don’t immediately drop my change in the ‘Take A Penny, Leave A Penny’ jar on store counters.

Maybe if the Church were to melt down some holy relics in order to finance the rebuilding of Banda Ache or to construct badly needed irrigation systems in Central Ethiopia and I might just give this ridiculous notion a second thought.

Until then, I’m keeping my pennies.

Surprisingly, the Vatican continues on with its “Go Green” platform in its new list by declaring the polluting of the environment to be a sin.

Boy, I’d hate to be the CEO of Tim Horton’s Inc. right now. That son of a bitch is going to burn for sure!

But I can get behind and support this new pollution sin for sure. I already wish sudden death on those people I see tossing Burger King wrappers or smoldering cigarette butts out their windows while driving down the Interstate. It’s about time we waged holy Jihad on these ass baskets. Pitching one crumpled up burger wrapper or empty coffee cup anywhere but in a waste can, should be equitable to hard time in some Old Testament style penitence.

And never mind being tossed into a pit of snakes, boiled alive in oil, smothered in brimstone, being dismembered, broken on any wheel, or being forced to eat rats and toads, or any of the other traditional old school penitence cures. I’m talking about introducing some new school beat downs. Something even more ghastly than anything your typical harsh Biblical mind could conjure up. Something like being forced to watch ‘Golden Girl’ reruns, or having your genitalia lashed to the bumper of a Humvee.

And as far as the drug abuse part goes, well, considering the kind of world I’d be living in, given the avoidance of all these dangerous new social sins, I’ll just have to take a Mulligan on this one.

The real funny part is that the Vatican has only now re-released this list in response to a survey that shows that 60 per cent less Catholics in Italy go to confession regularly. Too boot, Archbishop Girotti also complained about the increasing numbers of people in the secularized West were “making do without God”.

Hey, no offence there bud, but given that just about everything I do from the time I step outside my front door is somehow going to have me immediately teleported directly into the seventh level of Dante’s Inferno, why wouldn’t I want to check out what the fat, bald dude is laughing about?

“Know what I mean there, Vern?”

I’m just a simple guy. I like my steaks bloody, my movies full of explosions and gratuitous sex, and I like to hit the pipe like an OG Gangsta before I settle down to watch me some Discovery Channel. After all, life can’t be all stain-released and wrinkle-resistant can it?

Shit no!

A world without weed, genetic cock farms, or human experimentation is a world I don’t want to live in!

* As they do for most things.