Sunday, June 15, 2008

The Curse of the Boy Scouts Renews

(This post was made against the good advise of my girlfriend. But I'm posting it anyway. I just have to believe that out there somewhere there is at least one person who has thought along similar lines. So this one is for you - you poor, sick bastard you.)

Coming in the wake of a particularly violent season of severe storms and irregular freak weather, a veritable meteorological coup-de-tat of tragedy befell the small town of Little Sioux, Iowa last week. If God had a hate-on for the Boy Scouts before, he sure as shit has one now! What he didn’t finish back in June 2005 he made up for three years later in 2008.

Add four more to the count. That's God nine; Boy Scouts zilch

On Wednesday, June 14th at 6:30pm CST, a tornado touched ground in the Little Sioux Scout Camp where 120 people, including 93 kids aged 13-16 were participating in a special Leadership camp. Four scouts were killed and dozens more injured.

The approaching storm cell was just about completely hidden away from the unsuspecting scouts by the surrounding hills and it is doubtful that any real advance notice was given at all. Although two warnings were issued minutes before the tornado struck they were probably drowned out by vigorous rounds of Kumbaya. All in all, nearly 1,800 acres of property was virtually destroyed by the deadly tornado, including a few cabins and most of the tents and trees.

Pretty horrific, eh?

So am I going to have fun, anyway?

You bet your sweet bippy.

The CNN ghouls, lead by Anderson Cooper of course, could barely contain their glee as they repeatedly described all the horrific details of the calamity for the media cameras. At first, they weren’t certain that the storm was in fact an actual tornado and so instead described it as a “Big Wind Event”.


A “Big Wind Event” sounds like the perfect name for an Olympic style farting competition if you ask me.

They would then later go on to describe 2008 so far as the most “tornadic” year ever”.


What the hell does that mean? Is that even a word? While we’re at it, why not start dropping other such hip vernacular chestnuts as ‘tornadoful’, ‘tornadoriffic’, or even ‘tornadolicious’? How cool does that make tornados sound? Almost makes me want to pack up my flimsy nylon tent and head off for Tornado Alley.

Almost…except I have my merit badge in ‘Common Sense’ that is.

So pardon me for asking, but where exactly in the Scouting Handbook does it say that it’s okay to go tent camping in the height of tornado season? In fact, lets just leave all communication instruments behind and gaily jaunt off into a dangerous storm cell with our Colemans.

Good thinking.

Officials were saying that they didn’t really have way of knowing if there were other people in the park and so they were going to continue treating the situation as a search-and-rescue operation. Scouts must have been literally sticking out of tree trunks after they impacted with them headfirst at 300 m/ph. Some kids took refuge in ditches, and some others were buried underneath a collapsed chimney in one of the cabins.

“It ripped all the doors open and my ears popped a couple of times and then all of a sudden the next thing I know the walls and the roof are just totally gone and the chimney and the building fell over on top of some kids and sent one table flying which hit me on the back”, said 15 year-old staff member Rob Logsdon.

He also tells “we were sitting there watching lightning…and we saw it [the tornado] come around the end of a bluff toward the entrance to the camp”.

So much for “Always Be Prepared”.

As God’s bullet zeroed in on the helpless Boy Scouts, an adult leader ordered everyone to get under the picnic tables.

Good job, dipshit. Get under a few painted planks of 2 x 4’s.

But then again, a few square feet of mere canvas tarp stretched between four thin, aluminum tenting-poles doesn’t offer much protection from the super-powerful winds either, does it?

These kids were screwed right from the start.

Yep, I’d sure think twice about venturing out for camps of any sort if I were a Boy Scout. If it’s not lightning or stupidity, there’s also a good chance that a sneaky killer tornado is going to you.

Shit, I’d rather become a Girl Guide!

Not many severe storm warnings, or tragedies for that matter, are registered on people’s front porches while peddling confection cookies. Seems a lot less risky to me.

The same storm cell that spawned the ‘Scout Buster’ in Iowa also struck other locations in the Midwest causing severe flooding and literally leveling several other communities. It terrorized the Kansas State University’s campus damaging several engineering and science buildings including a wind erosion lab*, as well as tore the roof off a fraternity house in Manhattan…and not in the good way either!

That’s a pretty big-ass storm, eh?

'Ol God must really must have wanted to finish it off this time; leaving no fabricated building or dwelling unturned in his effort.

* How’s that for ironic?