Monday, March 13, 2006

More Than Just Cultist Zealots!

You know who has been creeping me out lately? Ted, the Canadian Tire guy. Actually, Ted has been a pebble in the shoe for just about every Canadian with a television in the past decade.

What's this guys story exactly? For example, why do all his promoted products almost exclusively deal with the reestablishing of power to one's home beyond the normal conventional means? What does he know that the rest of us don't?

Something has gone terrible awry, I tell you, and I'm not the only person who seemed to sense it as this idiot savant neighbor, as well as his annoying bitch wife Gloria, were recently dumped by Canadian Tire for any future television commericals.

Now don't get me wrong - this is a good thing. This know-it-all bastard would have grated against my nerves had he really lived beside me so that I might have been moved to strangle him whenthe lights next went out - which in his neighborhood, was like every other fucking day! Apparently, eight years of this condescending advise affected the marketing CEO's at Canadian Tire as well.

He had a neatly trimmed beard, a perfectly creased plaid work shirt, a smug attitude, and a voice that would crack glass. Obviously he isn't your average garden-variety Baby Boomer who simply has to have the latest techno-marvel or trinket of weird gadgetry, although if the commercials give you anything to go on, this guy must have spent the equivalent of the Gross National Product for any small country on Canadian Tire gizmos and doodads. But there is something even more sinister lurking underneath his stained friendly facade than first meets the eye.

So, where I'm thrilled that I will no longer have to witness this annoying dickwad's rampant wussyness or eager-to-please advise any more, I'm nervous about what comes next. It seems to me that for the past eight years worth of Canadian Tire commercials, this guy has ammassed quite an extensive arsenaul of survivalist equipment; from no-slip radial tires to non-rechargeable battery packs. One can't help but think that he was on to something all along. Christ, by now the guy probably has more weapons of mass destruction than Saddam ever had!

In fact, this suspicious asshat never, ever, loaned anything out - period! Sure, he was always willing to show off and discuss all his newly aquired intruments, but he never really offered to help anybody, did he? In fact, looking back on it now, his whole sales approach seemed to be more of a "my family has power and yours doesn't, so we're not going to starve or be preyed upon in the pitch dark by hungry, maurading hordes of destitutes like yours is - na, na, na, na, naaaa". It must have been like living nextdoor to Jim Jones!

Some friendly neighbor!

The man preached about these gadgets with the same dedicated seriousness of any extremist cult convert. I wonder if over all this time he has really been preparing himself for the upcoming rapture when men and women will be ultimately judged and Mother Nature will rise to take one last collossal dump on our fragile ecosystem to signal the end.

I suspect, that Ted was planning on being the first in line to be deemed worthy to pass into the Promised Land and I doubt he will be offering any hand-ups to stragglers at that point. Come time, he'll be beating them away with his new aluminum mag-light and laughing. Afterall, you never saw him trying to hock his neighbors anything that might be used in defence, like say, big knives or power crossbows, did you?

Oh, noooooo!

Perhaps he was just biding his time all along waiting to inherit the earth and all it's resources from a conveniently slaughtered infidel citizenry. Sure he was all about preaching the good word about handy power tools in the past, but now I'm sure he's going to be pretty pissed as we lead into the Great Cleansing.


Blogger red jane said...

Wow. I just shot one of the two new Cdn Tire spots and we didn't get to keep anything; in fact, they shot the two spots in Santiago Chile, flew down all the store product-as well as store execs, of course- and left it there because it was too expensive to fly it all back. Maybe now the Chileans will pick up where Ted left off, culling their Cdn. Tire merch to plan the big take over. It's a shame really; Gloria's a good friend and I know for a fact that although the gravy train was good, no one got rich enough on it in any capacity to stage a coup. Damn; and I just did one spot. How lame is that?
BTW- loved the BBBS rhyme, too.

7:59 AM  
Blogger crazytigerrabbitman said...

Santiago, Chile? Now I'm sure Canadian Tire is the front for some Doomsday Cult.

8:09 AM  

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