Tuesday, June 06, 2006

It's the End of the World As We Know It

“That's great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an airplane; and Lenny Bruce is not afraid.”
- R.E.M.

Well, the end is nigh my friends. Its here at last – Devil’s Day – June 6th, 2006. 6-6-6…cue the rivers of blood and plumes of brimstone.

As Armageddonists, prophecy theorists, members of specific Doomsday cults, as well as anyone who subscribes to News of the World is already keenly aware of, the world is slated to end today in a great fiery belch of sulfur. Satan is supposed to return from beyond the pale to reclaim mankind and make us all his eternal bitches and sinners have been sweating like Ryan Seacrest during a screening of Brokeback Mountain all day.

Are you spooked yet?

Just like the similar fear and paranoia that surrounds Friday the 13th, today, June 6th, 2006, harbors a lot of nervous anxiety for people world round. It’s to no one’s surprise then that today would also present a prime marketing opportunity, with 20th Century’s Fox releasing their much-awaited remake of The Omen, as well as Ann Coulter’s new book “Godless: The Church of Liberalism”. But where does this whole irrational anxiety about the number 666 come from anyway?

To understand man’s obsession with 666 and its close affinity to the fabled end of the world you first have to start with it’s beginning. For since mankind has scratched his head in wonderment over how he got to be here on this giant rock floating out in space, not to mention how long he has been here, he has also wondered about the nature of his possible demise.

The Christian God is said to have created this world paradise in six days and on the seventh day, he relaxed, cracked open a beer, and tuned into Jerry Springer. On the sixth day was the creation of man.

"And God went on to say: 'Let us make man in our image, according to our likeness, and let them have in subjection the fish of the sea and the flying creatures of the heavens and the domestic animals and all the earth and every moving animal that is moving upon the earth.' And God proceeded to create the man in his image, in God's image he created him; male and female he created them."
- Genesis 1:26, 27.

Through this analogy we have come to associate the number six with the number of man. In connection, the idea of the Triple God has also existed well before the beginnings of Christianity. The Christian God also holds the Trinity of Father, Son and Holy Ghost/Spirit, mirroring a religious aspect that dates well into the beginnings of solidified Pantheons. Likewise, the Devil is labeled through history as being the “God of Flesh”, or something very similar depending on which nut you choose to listen to. The God of Flesh is therefore also the God of Man, not of Christian man but of every other man. I know, I know - sounds pretty faggy so far, huh? But hang in there. Because the Devil is a "God" himself, his number holds the same Trinity aspect as well, being the Trinity God of Man, and Man's number being 6... the Devil's number becomes 666!

Isn’t Numerology great? You can use it to practically explain away just about any half-cracked theory based on seemingly random information. Most recently, the number 11 has been used to signify earthly incarnations of evil after the whole 9/11 World Trade Center tragedy.

9 + 1 + 1 = 11

However, I’m more inclined to accept the parallel theory that George Bush is actually the earthly incarnation of evil.

After all, G-E-O-R-G-E-W-B-U-S-H = 11.

But let’s get back on track here. Over time, propaganda has been built around 666 and it is now said to be an evil omen or some other ridiculous hocus-pocus prognostication. In any case, whether you believe it is evil or not... this is how the Number of the Beast, or the Anti-Christ, first originated and thus ushering in the popular belief in it signifying the end of the world. By Biblical times, 666 was enough to make the most pious peasant person shit their tunic.

"He also forced everyone, small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on his right hand or on his forehead, so that no one could buy or sell unless he had the mark, which is the name of the beast or the number of his name. This calls for wisdom. If anyone has insight, let him calculate the number of the beast, for it is man's number. His number is 666."
- Revelations 13:16-18

Of course, this was the whole eerie premise of Richard Donner’s 1976 film ‘The Omen’ when Gregory Peck discovers the Mark of the Beast on young Damien’s neck.

But don’t get too prepared to march off into Purgatory just yet. Among many coincidences that occur with numbers, life itself is based partly on these three: Carbon atoms, key to life as we know it, have six protons, six neutrons, and six electrons in their most common form.

Wait, does that mean we were all fucked from the very beginning then? So what do we care come midnight tonight?

Shit, if I have 666 embedded in my genetic makeup already anyway, I’m just going to break out the puppy porno, or maybe Season Eight of Full House on DVD, and instead welcome the Beast with open arms. Maybe do a few lines of Clorox off the ass of a 17-year old crack whore before he gets on with harvesting my soul for eternal damnation.

You know, instead of the usual weeping and begging for mercy, make a whole to-do about it.

It sure beats being found slumped over a computer keyboard with my face in a bowl of guacamole dip after suffering a massive coronary during a late night session of baiting minors on the Internet.

Although, more realistically, the only plumes of sulfur that are going to occur tonight come Witching Hour, will be from the bacon and egg burritos I had for dinner this evening.