Sunday, March 23, 2008

Academy Award Post-thoughts:

So, it’s only been - what - three weeks since the whole Academy Awards ceremony? And I am only finding out about them now. How did I manage to miss that little cultural tidbit while living under my rock?

I guess the fact that I’ve only seen three movies all year suggests that I’m just a little out of sync with this year’s popular cinema (and I doubt that Cloverfield will be up for any Academy’s either).

Now, bear in mind that I have seen absolutely none of these movies and in some cases, never even heard of them, but let’s take a look at the crop of Oscar-worthy hopefuls this year:

Atonement – I didn’t realize that this movie had made it out to theaters yet. I do know that my girlfriend has been reading this on the treadmill at the gym lately, and judging by the cover of the book I’m not sure it’s the kind of movie I’d enjoy. Looks pretty “girly” if you ask me. The movie revolves around sister’s Briany and Cecilia Tallis and their house keepers son, Robbie. See what I mean? Pussy!

Now I don’t suspect that there is any hot three-way action where the Tallis sisters use poor Robbie like an Olympic pummel horse, so I’m not so sure I’m too terribly interested in this flick. I can already feel my Charlie Brown’s shriveling just imaging this movie.

This world needs another losing of innocence movie like it needs another White Ford Bronco chase.

Michael Clayton – This flick is in my ‘never heard of it’ category this year. But if I’ve learned anything, it’s never trust a movie titled after it’s central character: Bridget Jones Diary, Norbert, umm, Dr. Doolittle…see what I mean?

Okay, okay, I know that there are also great films like Bull Durham, Jerry McGwire, Bob Jones, Rob Roy, and Rocky that were also named after their central characters. But this movie was made by the same guy who did Tootsie…need I say more?

It’s a movie about lawyers starring George Clooney as this Michael Clayton asshole. C’mon, you just know this is going to suck. We’ve seen this all before: scrupleless lawyers squabbling and scheming over multi-billion dollar contracts. It’s mergers, conflicts, screwjobs, and bullshit legal mumbo-jumbo galore! Somebody just stab me already.

I’d rather gouge my eyes out with a broken pool cue than watch this crap.

No Country for Old Men – Okay, this one has some promise. From the former Academy Award-winning team of brothers Joel and Ethan Coen, this corpse-strewn flick revolves around Llewellyn Moss and her flight from pursuing psychopath Anton Chisurh. It’s Oh, Brother! With a fucking attitude!

One part artsy bluegrass epic and one part Dirty Harry. Now this sounds like a good movie to me. I have always enjoyed the Coen brothers movies, and I always enjoy a good, senseless bloodbath.

This sounds like it could be more up my alley.

Juno – A smart, outspoken 16-year-old gets pregnant and decides to give the child up for adoption. Now I know what you’re thinking: “Christ, it sounds like a Molly Ringwald movie!”, right? Well, consider that this unique coming-of-age movie was directed by the son of Ivan Reitman, stars cute Canadian actress Ellen Page as Juno, and was also written by a tattooed ex-stripper and phone sex worker Diablo Cody.

Now, doesn’t that sound fucking cool? Certainly peeks your interest somewhat, eh?

The movie also stars Michael Cera and Jason Bateman from the under-appreciated TV series Arrested Development. Oh yeah, and J. K. Simmons from Oz. Yeah, that’s right! The same guy who plays the sodomizing sociopath white supremacist Schilinger also plays Juno’s reluctant father. I’d see this movie for this fact alone. Well, that and for the possibility of seeing me some hot underage sex without having to risk my credit card information over the Internet.

There Will Be Blood – Another of from the ‘never heard of it’ category. At first guess, you’d probably think that this movie was some low-budget zombie flick or something. Instead, this movie stars Daniel Day-Lewis as misanthropic oilman Daniel Plainview who tricks a local farmer in his ruthless pursuit of wealth. Throw something in there about Plainview turning on his handicapped son and you have the perfect recipe for a Hollywood snoozefest.

Personally, after watching My Left Foot I have sworn off Daniel Day-Lewis movies for good. If there’s going to be blood – I hope it’s his. That alone may encourage me to spend the four bucks once it is released to video.