Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Tequila Surmise

So here’s a real corker in the news lately, Reality TV star Tila Tequila was attacked on stage when concert goers at the ‘Gathering of the Juggalos’ music festival in Hardin County, Il. Attackers hurled rocks, beer bottles, firecrackers and even shit at the stunned celebutant. Fucking awesome, isn’t it?

Concert-goers also, apparently, chased poor Tila back to her trailer where she barricaded herself inside with her two bodyguards as the trailer windows were smashed out and the trailer itself was rocked like a Haitian schoolhouse. Likewise, they literally chased her SUV that wisked her away to safety afterwards.


Because she decided to show them her boobs – that’s why. I wonder how Ms. Tequila feels knowing that her breasts have the ability to turn a crowd of thousands into a violent horde of rioters the likes of which hasn’t been witnessed since the Mongols rampaged across Eastern Europe. Must be pretty discouraging to say the least! Maybe we should be harboring the power of those enraging puppies for combat purposes, and displaying them to our troops before deploying them into war zones or search-and-destroy missions. Shit, our armed forced would be invincible!

But – first off – who is this Tila Tequila person exactly and what rock did she happen to crawl out from under? As it turns out, she’s a Singaporean-born singer, rapper, model and television personality. In other words, she’s just another product of our celebrity-obsessed culture; famous just for being famous. Besides her spreads in Stuff and Maxim magazines, she is most renowned for hosting Fuse TV, featuring the ever-popular ‘Pants-Off Dance-Off’.

Oh yeah, a real artist to be sure.

Ms. Tequila was quoted afterwards by saying: “I went onstage and immediately, before I even got on stage, dudes were throwing huge stone rocks in my face, beer bottles that slit my eye open, almost burnt my hair on fire because they threw fire crackers on stage, and they even took the shit out of the port-o-potty and threw shit and piss at me when I was onstage.”

Quotable isn’t she?

My only question is, if the fans were apparently throwing rocks (the stone kind – mind you), why would she even go onstage and try to perform; much less show them your tata’s? That’s like diving into a lit pool of gasoline and complaining of being burned. It is also noteworthy I think that her first song selection was ‘I Fucked the DJ’. Now, if that doesn’t encourage a throng of kooky clowns to riot – I don’t know what would.

A front row spectator had this to say about the incident at the time when the rocks and bottles began to fly: “She was taunting them. She didn’t know how to handle them. She didn’t understand the dynamic.”

What dynamic? We’re taking about a group of people who follow the band Insane Clown Posse for Pete sakes; not exactly a group of Rhodes scholars here. These fans often show up in clown make-up and refer to themselves as Juggalos and Juggalettes. To say the least, they are known to be a little rowdy. Hell, they probably came to the concert armed with pockets full of feces already – just in case. That’s probably the official standard operating Insane Clown Posse fan policy.

So what does one do when they are met with disapproving angry fans? Why show them your tits of course. Good show, Tila! Way to fall back on the hallmark of your success - the ‘ol moneymakers – too bad they had the opposite effect, huh? Maybe, had you been at Spring Break in Fort Lauderdale, or the Playboy Mansion or something, eh? Things might have been different.

What the hell was she doing at a festival organized for and around a band known as the ‘Insane Clown Posse’? What the hell was she thinking? Did she intend to lead the crowd of riled up clown freaks in a few spirited rounds of Kumbaya, maybe a line dance or two, before baring her breasts and retiring back to her trailer for the evening? Seriously!

So how is Ms. Tequila responding to the incident? Why, how every other well-grounded, red-blooded intelligent being would, of course – with an angry Tweet.

The following message was posted to Twitter the next day:

"Thank you everyone for your support. The people at Juggalos behavior was disgusting and I am filing a suit against Them now. Thanks 4 ur luv. Pretty soon the owners who run the Juggalos will be bankrupt. My attorney Alan is already on it. This is disgusting behavior from men. But to all of my fans, I appreciate your outpour of love and support! Xoxo"

Suing 2000 fans for flinging poo? Good luck with that. I guess Alan really has his work cut out for him, eh?

Personally, if I went to a festival to watch rowdy punk-rap bands and a pint-sized Reality Princess walked out just for appearance sake, I might be brought to hurl fistfuls of shit as well. I say, sue your agent dumbass.

She should be counting her lucky stars that she wasn’t also stoned to death.


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