Saturday, April 02, 2005

"One order of grilled 'Brutal Honesty & Onions', please"

A fellow vegan co-worker lectured me today on my poor carnivorous dietary habits while watching me maw down three cheeseburgers in 15 minutes during my dinner break, while she daintily nibbled away at her miniature sliced carrots. So, in light of this recent accusation, vegetarians and animal right activists beware: I am no longer afraid to voice my antiquated opinions regarding a most taboo topic for me. But someone has to defend the consumption of meat, dammit!

I will not deny that there are animals on these factory farms who are raised for the sole purpose of food; but if you’re a meat-eater, and you want to hide behind guilt, don’t look at them as victims…think of them as the chosen ones. It’s their destiny to fill the empty stomachs of hungry-ass homo-sapiens.

Don’t get me wrong; I do believe animal-rights activists have the right to preach about the cruelty of animals - they’re here to keep us in check.

I’ll give them this; when it comes to eating animal products, there should be more rules and regulations. We shouldn’t simply kill and eat any animal we manage to trap whenever we please; I believe we should only eat a rooster, if it loses a cockfight. For every chicken that loses, there should be a KFC truck standing by.

The thing I don’t understand is that we have activists who are carnivores but have a problem with chickens living in poor conditions before being slaughtered; they believe there should be a more harmless way to die. You mean, like forcing them to watch reruns of ‘Growing Pains’? As cruel as this is to chickens, they are only being butchered for food…you can’t put them up in a five star hotel!

If you’re going to eat it, why contradict yourself; why would a heartless killer care what happens to a chicken before it dies? Before I smother my chicken fingers with gravy…I’m not wondering if it had a manicure! These are definitely the same breed of moron who orders the pre-made salad at Fast Food joints.

"Would you like an order of NO fries with your Ally McBeal Happy Meal?"

Animal-rights activists are against keeping animals in captivity; I’m with them on this one to some extent. Have you been to the Zoo lately? These wild animals just lay there, the lazy bastards! These animals are so boring I’d rather visit my grandmother.

Compared to a lazy tiger, grandma is like a sorority hazing party!

If keeping animals in captivity is so wrong, how do they explain having pets? Some activists justify having pets by calling them “companion animals.” Stop with the labels; it’s a pet - would you walk your companion on a leash? Would you tie your companion to a pole? Would you let your companion drink out of the toilet bowl? I’m not calling any dog or cat by that word till it coughs up at least half the rent!

Sometimes these activists can come up with some interesting points to support their argument. Members of PETA will say that we carnivores wouldn’t eat meat if we had to hunt our own food. They’re right! If I had to do my own hunting, I would be a vegetarian; not only would I eat miniature sliced carrots like your skinny ass, I’d also be eating branches and dry leaves.

Why would I then go on such an expedition when I can just find food in my own backyard…there’s no way I’m chasing down a bull every time I want to barbeque! If I had to fetch my own food, it would definitely be something a little less dangerous to procure, like a tomato. The worst it could do would be to roll out of reach. Besides, considering the freakish number of squirrels in this neighborhood, I could probably trap enough small game to live on for years.

They call us murderers for eating meat; but I didn’t kill the animal, I only hired the Hit man; that’s why I go the grocery store, and hang out by the meat-section; I want to make sure he got the job done.

Now if you’re a Vegetarian and you’re reading this, you’re probably saying: “How dare you eat those poor animals!” Well I actually existed on a vegan diet for the better part of a year in university. It wasn’t for so much for the health aspect so much as it was for the hot monkey sex that came with dating a vegetarian yoga instructor.

After approximately 9 months on this diet, and one bitter break up later, I came to the conclusion that my own body was trying to tell me something…today I’m happy to say that a Big Mac helped me see the light.

It’s hard to switch diets; I was born and raised on meat. My Mother told me when I was six months old - my first word was “Whopper!”

I will always be a carnivore and I’m going to keep eating flesh; because I don’t want to bring shame to my meat-eating family. Letting my parents know I’m vegetarian, would be like telling them I’m gay! Being a Vegan would still be a lot worse to my folks; because even gay guys love meat. Homosexuals aren’t ridiculed for jamming their throats with a celery stick; even if it has some dip on the tip.

Animal rights activists try to win their argument by comparing meat to drugs; to drugs? I’ll admit I’m addicted to meat, but no one can peer pressure me into mainlining bacon bits! When I need a fix, I can’t go to the ghetto at 2 in the morning and find a hot dog stand…I’d have to wait ‘til at least noon!

There are many benefits to eating meat; but they always stick to the negative, don’t they?. Some experts say that the intake of meat and dairy products has been linked with impotence. Yeah, and this affects me, a single male of almost a decade, how? At least if I’m not getting laid, I can enjoy some flame-grilled, juicy, animal carcass.

It’s unrealistic to expect that everyone will stop eating animals overnight; even if I wanted to, I already know it would take me a life time. I understand what vegetarians and these animal-rights organizations are trying to say, but I’m going to continue eating meat…



Blogger moofruot said...

"Besides, considering the freakish number of squirrels in this neighborhood, I could probably trap enough small game to live on for years."


You really need to start writing a daily column for some major media conglomerate's newspaper chain to disseminate your infinite wisdom. :D

3:49 AM  

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