Thursday, September 28, 2006

Fingerpainting With the Fuhrer

Good news, art lovers: 21 watercolors and sketches attributed to everyone’s favorite frustrated artist, Adolph Hitler, were auctioned off in the U.K. this past Tuesday for a grand total of $220,000 – more than double the auctioneer's pre-sale estimate

Not too shabby for an evil dictator. Even Genghis Khan's collection of macaroni art wouldn't fetch that kind of dollar. No, sir! Everybody else has sold out, why not evil dictators? Time for the past monsters of history to get themselves a little piece of the action too. Shit, soon you should be able to buy woven baskets by Edi Amin on the shelf at the local Wal-mart.

"Why indeed yes it is, Thad, dear boy. That is, in fact, an original Milosevic hanging over the mantelpiece. And right over here, next to my Mussolini Popsicle House is my Pol Pot ashtray..."

The works were created while he was on break from the front lines where he served as a soldier in the First World War. They’re mostly of landscapes and buildings, and apparently, considered to be, well, (hold onto your beer steins) quite fucking shitty really. I know – what a shocker, huh? Well, as it turns out, Hitler was a better evil mastermind and world domineer than he ever was a painter.

But there’s an auction I would have loved to attend. I wonder how much Hitler’s still life portrait of ‘Jewish Pig with Fruit’ went for?

“Some people would consider the sale somewhat controversial, but the pieces were executed so long ago - nearly 100 years ago - that they now just represent something of the past," spokesman Chris Walton said. "The paintings are of historical interest rather than artistic merit."

Dealing with Hitler's work and other items related to the Nazi regime has always been a thorny issue.

In many European countries, including Germany, it is illegal to buy, own or sell Nazi memorabilia. A German auction house in 2001 withdrew a Hitler painting following public protests.

That’s seems pretty funny to me. Since when have the Germans ever been the purveyors of moral standard in the art world? Aren’t these the same people for which grainy videos of other people shitting on one another is considered valid cinema? Take a crap in some blondes mouth and, hey, the worlds your oyster – but dare to purchase or sell a piece of shitty art by some past madman and suddenly everybody has ethics.

The Center of Military History in Washington, D.C., has hundreds of Nazi-related pieces - including four Hitler paintings - but they are locked in vaults and not on display. Rumor has it that Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, spends a lot of time wandering around the vaults in a spiked helmet masturbating to ‘The Smokestacks at Auschwitz’ and ‘Burn, Jew Bastard, Burn!’

I think it’s more interesting to think about what might have transpired if only Hitler had decided to instead pursue his deep-rooted love of shitty art? Just think, besides avoiding the whole Holocaust thing, as well as preventing the total destruction and displacement of mainland Europe, we would all now have been enjoying slightly better-than-shitty art hanging all over the place!

Golf clap!


Imagine a world where Hitler’s art is everywhere. It could have happened. You walk into your local Applebee’s, and there hanging above the salad bar, a Hitler print of ‘The Burning of Preux-au-Bois’. Or waiting in your doctor’s office and passing the time by staring into the chipper ‘Tanks Crushing Slow-Moving Mothers’.

What a cheery world it might have been.

What’s the big deal about shitty art anyway? If some dipshit wants to pay $50,000 for a shitty artwork to hang beside his Dalmer in the bathroom – so be it. Obviously, either he’s a complete raving sociopath who’s already planning to carve Swastika’s into your forehead, or he just has an interest in paintings of creepy clowns and burning bodies. In other words; he just likes his shitty art.

Just don't invite him to your next backyard BBQ and you'll be fine.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

The Week It Was

It’s a crazy world people.

For example, we have old women in wheelchairs going all Punisher by laying down sweet street justice on the streets of NYC. Does that nerve anyone else?

Sure the guy she shot was trying to mug her at the time, but honestly, what’s a 56-year old crippled woman doing wheeling around Harlem with a .357 pistol anyway? Shit, in my neighborhood, she would have been easy pickings – as nature had intended it.

None of the old fogies in my neighborhood are packing heat I can tell you!

Margaret Johnson said she was in Manhattan's Harlem neighborhood on her way to a shooting range when the man, identified by police as 45-year-old Deron Johnson, came up from behind and went for the chain.

"There's not much to it," she said in a brief interview. "Somebody tried to mug me, and I shot him."

She continued on by saying: “I got that chain fo’ fity cents at the corner sto’, an’ no no-good junkie muthafucka gonna take it from me now, bitch! I’ll pop a cap in his ass!”

You fucking bring it, Margie!

Elsewhere, a Dallas school board member, Ron Price, has fucking had it with baggy pants that overexpose, so he is petitioning the City Council to look into a ban on “rocking” the oversized trousers that often slip so low as to show underwear.

"I think it's disrespectful, it's dishonorable and it's disgusting," said Price, who made the recommendation to City Council last week. "I have no problem with the top of your Hanes label being shown. My problem is when grown men walk about the city with pants below their buttocks."

"I just feel that it's so disrespectful to our senior citizens, especially to women...," he said.

Yeah, the seniors, of course - seniors. Whatever you say, Ron.

Clearly, here is a tortured man who is simply just getting tired of seeing so much exposed man ass. However the spin he wants to put on it, it still amounts to exactly the same thing:

Just Say No to Exposed Man Ass!

And who can blame him? I think the whole world is getting pretty tired of immediately knowing what brand of gitch everybody is wearing. It’s just a matter of time before it drives somebody up into a bell tower with a hunting rifle it’s so ridiculous. Underwear is just one of those things that’s best left to our imaginations.

It’s one of the cardinal fashion faux pas:

1) Girls - never wear white stretchy pants (anytime) (anywhere).
2) Men - clamdiggers are for homos - unless you're really digging clams.
3) Corn rows on white people is just fucking sketchy.
4) Baggy pants and exposed underwear is for plumbers, homeless men, and maybe Mark Walhberg. No exceptions.

Now I understand all the difficulties in passing such a law in that who will regulate exactly how baggy is baggy pants, but is this something we really need to eradicate? It’s not Communism or anything. Besides, what’s offensive and what’s not? Are police also now expected to be the brutal enforcers of fashion as well?

“Forget the terrorist plot, we have baggy jeans and exposed man ass to deal with!”

But just chill, homeslices; fashion trends are already beginning to turn towards super skinny pants again for men and women in coming seasons. In fact, rumor has it, that the whole baggy pants look has been “played out”. Kendall Beck, 26, of Dallas, who was wearing low pants, but with his shirt was also long and tucked in, stated: “Yo, you nigga’s look stoopid.”

And so you have it - another rebirth for popular fashion. Carson Kressley – eat your fuckin’ heart out, Queer boy.

But the madness does not just stop there. It continues on even in my own humble den of sanity.

Thanks to my new diet and regular gi-normous T-Rex turds, the plumbing in my apartment burst and rained down a sweet holy terror on my landlords living room downstairs *.

For the past five days I have been without running water. Meaning that I can’t cook, shit, shower, or shave without first drawing up an emergency action plan. Of course, there’s a small amount in pride in all this as well, but mostly it’s a huge inconvenience.

It seems that I am eating so healthy that the trees outside have stretched their roots into our home’s sewer pipes in order to get to my uber-fertile tour de turd. I thought that I had noticed a particularly healthy glean to all the neighboring trees lately.

Next, I expect the squirrels to start glowing at night.

While my apartment (and my landlords) is still under construction to repair the extensive flood damage, we did have the good fortune to snake our own drains. Oh goodie! You just haven’t living until you’ve been elbows deep in shit that would make ordinary shit seem like chocolate pudding. The good news is that after the five days of not being able to shit regularly **, I’ve scarfed down an entire mountain of Imodium that will now prevent me from ever shitting again until the year 2017. At which time, I expect to be in a lot of pain and giving birth to a sack of bowling balls.

But you do what you have to do in order to survive.

As a result of all the flooring construction, bathroom plumbing and what have you, I also ended up breaking my pinky toe after a late night encounter with exposed toilet guts. And there was no “wee-wee-wee” that night, I assure you!

So now I’m also hobbling around like Dr. Frankenstein’s gopher boy to boot. It’s hard to rock my new muscles when I’m walking like a drunken orangutan – know what I’m sayin’?

Thank God that the week is over!

It’s no wonder why I used to smoke pot like an unemployed History teacher.

* Now, if you ever want to test the collective composure of your landlord in times of extreme duress, pour gallons of shit-filled water into his ceiling tile so that it spills out and collapses all over his leather couches and Casio keyboards.

** And believe me when I say, that I’m now accustomed to being as regular as an atomic clock when it comes to my bowel movements.