Wednesday, February 01, 2006


Saints be praised!

The haloed day of all haloed days has finally befallen us - the winners of this years Stella Awards has been finally released and made public. What exactly is the Stella Awards you may ask? Only the most important commemoration of human stupidity since Colonel Custer marched his 7th Cavalry into the valley at Little Big Horn.

The Stella Awards are given to the stupidest real lawsuits over the past year. In essence, the Stella Awards make the Darwin Awards seem like a community colleges honor roll.

So without further ado, let the nominations be recognized. Here are the highlites from this years prestigious awards ceremony:

#7: Bob Dougherty. A prankster smeared glue on the toilet seat at the Home Depot store in Louisville, CO, causing Dougherty to stick to it when he sat down. "This is not Home Depot's fault," he proclaimed, yet the store graciously offered him $2,000 for his poor tender ass anyway. Dougherty then, however, complained that the offer was "insulting" and instead filed a suit demanding $3 million in damages. Wait, didn't he just claim that the fault didn't lie with Home Depot? So, how then, did he arrive at the $3 million dollar figure? I mean, how big is this guys ass anyways? To be worthy of a $3 million-fucking-dollar lawsuit - this guy had better have one pretty spectacular ass! And, drawing from the fact that you can bet your sweet 'Anal Eaze' that most successful male supermodels wouldn't get caught dead using the public bathroom at a Home Depot; I say he should consider himself lucky that the Home Depot staff decided not to charge him in the end (pun intended) for the metal spatchela they used to pry his ass cheeks from the toilet seat.

#6: Barbara Connors of Medfield, MA. Connors was riding in a car driven by her 70-year-old son-in-law when they crashed into the Connecticut River, and Connors sank with the car. Rescue divers arrived within minutes and got her out alive, but she still suffered brain damage from her near-drowning. Sue the driver? Sure, I can agree that that might be a sensible thing to do. But, really, think about it: the woman was being driven by her SEVENTY YEAR OLD SON-IN-LAW, for Christ sakes! How fucking old is this woman anyways? I don't know about you readers, but if I'm ever old enough to rely on my being chaffeured around by my 70 year old son-in-law, a quick trip to the bottom of a river might not sound like such a bad idea. But sue the driver she does. In fact, she goes one step further and also decides to sue the rescue divers who risked their lives to save her. Nice touch, you heartless assbasket. This is, clearly, the same kind of person who uappologetically farts in elevators.

#5: Michelle Knepper of Vancouver, WA. Knepper picked a doctor out of the phone book to do her liposuction, and went ahead with the procedure even though the doctor was only a dermatologist, not a plastic surgeon. After having complications, she complained she never would have chosen that doctor had she known he wasn't Board Certified in the procedure. (She relied on the phonebook listing over, oh, I don't know, asking the doctor, or perhaps looking at the certificate on his wall?!) So she sued ...the phone company! She won $1.2 million PLUS $375,000 for her husband for "loss of spousal services and companionship." Do I even need a punchline here? The poor hubby only has to go a few weeks without his evening hummer and even HE gets over a third of a million dollars? Where's the justice in that? The last blowjob I recieved was back when hair bands ruled the air waves and Big Mac's came in styrofoam containers - where's my damn compensation? Darwins whole theory of 'survival of the fittest' is looking pretty bleak right about now, isn't it?

#4: Rhonda Nichols. She says a wild bird "attacked" her outside a home improvement store in Fairview Heights, Ill., causing head injuries. That's right: OUTSIDE the store! Yet Nichols still held the Lowe's store responsible for "allowing" wild birds to fly around free in the air. She never even reported the incident to the store, but still sued for "at least" $100,000 in damages. Wow. Next time I need some fast cash I'm just going hang around local Home Improvement and Do-It-Youself centers and just wait for the lightning to strike and bring me my motherload. Not suprisingly, in January 2006, the case was thrown out of court. I would have liked to have seen this bitch sentanced to be tied down in the stores parkinglot with french fries stuffed up her nose, and allow her to have her face pecked off by starving seagulls.

#3: Barnard Lorence of Stuart, FL. Lorence managed to overdraw his own bank account. When the bank charged him a service fee for the overdraft, he filed suit over his "stress and pain" and loss of sleep over the fee. A few hundred thousand bucks, he says, will only amount to a "slap on the wrist", whereas the $2 million he's suing for is more like being "paddled". Huh? This pansy ass got all stressed out from a mere bank service charge? Boy, I'd sure hate to be the waitress that one day accidently corrects his math in calculating her 10 percent gratuity charge. And whats with the "paddled" anyways? What the fuck does that mean? Just guess where this guys awarded puniative damages are going to be spent. He's likely going to end up hanging from a chandelier by his pubic hair and allowing himself to be spanked with a leather riding crop by some schoolgirl with a smokers cough.

#2: Wanita "Renea" Young of Durango, CO. Two neighborhood teens baked cookies for their neighbors as an anonymous gesture of good will, but Young got scared when she heard them on her front porch. They apologized, in writing even, but Young sued them anyway for causing her distress, demanding $3,000. When she won $900, (what the fuck?) she crowed about it in the newspaper and on national TV. Now, she's shocked (shocked!) that everyone in town hates her for her spite, and is afraid she may have to move. I bet she's fucking sacred - and rightly fucking so! I bet every Girl Guide in the free world now has Ms. Durango in the crosshairs of their deer hunting rifles in order to earn their Community merit badges. I don't know about anybody else, but whenever a stranger comes to my door bearing free cookies, thats as good a marriage proposal as any.

AND THE WINNER of the 2005 Stella Award:

#1: Christopher Roller of Burnsville, MN. Roller is mystified by professional magicians, so he sued David Blaine and David Copperfield to demand they reveal their secrets to them - or else pay him 10 percent of their lifelong earnings, which he figures amounts to $50 million for Copperfield and $2 million for Blaine. Now there's a true melon scratcher. Already, you can just sense that somebody has had one too many physicals aboard the mothership to be completely rational-minded. The whole basis for his suit: you see, Roller claims that the magicians defy the laws of physics, and thus must be using "godly powers" - and since ROLLER is god (according to him), they're "somehow" stealing that power from him. Okay - somebody warm up the straightjacket. Even Darwin's sea turtles are smarter than this moron. Thankfully, Roller decided to let Sir Isaac Newton himself off the hook for devising his laws of gravity and therby allowing the avalanche of bullshit to wash over Roller's entire case proceedings.

(Shamelessly ripped off in a moment of weakness from