Monday, August 23, 2010

We'll Make Great Pets

I sometimes wonder if we are alone in this crazy universe and if we’re not, then what do they know about us – if anything? Let’s suppose for a second that we are not alone and, not only are they superior to us, but they also know of our existence here on the big, blue planet. I wonder what they would make of us.

Perhaps they managed to pick up some of our random television signals traveling through deep space. How would they interpret these clues about or culture?

For instance, any inquisitive extra terrestrial would know that on planet Earth, it is always possible to park directly outside any building we are visiting. Voila! Vacant parking spots for everybody! We, the occupants of the 3rd rock from the sun are never faced with the ultimate inconvenience of having to park away from our desired destinations and therefore need to…*shudder*…walk. Somehow, miraculously, there will always be that vacant spot directly in front of any building we ever need to get to.

Pretty sweet, eh?

Now if I were the head of a super-intelligent alien race I might just consider this as a perfect excuse for invasion. No more need to ever find convenient parking spaces for our advanced alien crafts. Forget trying to find secluded places like woods and valleys where nobody will stumble upon us – fuck that! From now on I’m parking directly out front of my abductee’s homes. That’s definitely a bonus. Shit, who wouldn't want that luxury in life?

This slight misinterpretation might just be the total rationale behind man’s ultimate demise at the hands of marauding alien invaders from another planet. We’ll be erased from the celestial record forever for better parking opportunities.

Something else the aliens will assume about us is that we all love to dance. In fact, if any of us should ever decide we need to get our swing on, everyone around us will automatically know all the steps.

It’s a total Footloose throw-down 24/7!

What would the aliens make of this besides that we’re all a bunch of light-footed panty-waists? Maybe they find it a bit endearing, if not entertaining and decide that besides having our parking spaces, we’d also happen to make great pets. Before you know it, we’re all performing chorus lines on the bedroom floor of young three-headed Tomax from the planet Beta-12. Not a happy ending for mankind – how embarrassing.

Damn you, Kevin Bacon!

If the aliens do decide to invade us, then how would they go about preparing? For example, aliens who have studied our television signals carefully would inevitably learn that we humans have a particularly unique code of battle. It does not matter if we are heavily out-numbered in a fight involving martial arts, our enemies are expected to wait patiently to attack us one-by-one, killing time by dancing around in a threatening manner until we have knocked out their predecessor; that’s just how it’s done…end of story. We humans sure like things to be neat and orderly when it comes to combat. Would our alien invaders respect this battle code or see it as a weakness to exploit? Perhaps the aliens are practicing up right now on their hand-to-hand combat and threatening dance moves as I type.

The aliens must also assume then that we all prefer to fight bare-chested and make strange animal noises when we’re being attacked, so they probably expect fighting us will sound like beating a sack of howler monkeys.

Of course, aliens will also know that most of our home computers and laptops are capable of knocking out or overriding even the most technically advanced communications and advanced operating systems of any alien UFO. Yes, even our basic Dell laptop is more than just a simple porn box with the ability to hack into anything, so they would need to prepare for that little contingency before lining up to attack us…one by one, of course.

The aliens will also know how cool, calm and collective we all are under pressure. Even when involved in high speed car chases, hijackings, explosions, volcanic eruptions, earthquakes and, yes, even when threatened by invading alien spacecraft, we humans will never panic – not ever. Not even when faced with a speeded up conveyor belt full of cupcakes - we will not waver, making us very formidable foes indeed.

Likewise, we’re insanely tough. Television will definitely have taught the aliens that whenever one of us is hit over the head with a bottle or blunt object, we never actually suffer any concussion or brain damage. Even when completely knocked out, we will eventually just wake up and be more than ready to exact our revenge*.

The aliens will no doubt also be looking at the overall effectiveness of our leaders in battle. When analysis the signals, they will conclude that all our police officers are mismatched and an only solve cases or are victorious only after they’ve been suspended from duty. In fact, Police Departments must place great emphasis on performing personality tests to ensure that all its elite detectives are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite; a very cunning strategy indeed. Likewise, our military leaders are all cigar-chomping cancer cases with a loose hold on authority at best.

The aliens probably think it’s a miracle we can mobilize at all. However, like the parking spaces, we all have the ability to locate a chainsaw whenever we have the need for one. The aliens will need to be prepared for that and have their big lasers ready and trained on us prior to any actual outbreaks of war.

After taking all this into consideration, I have come to the following obvious conclusion about our existence here in our solar system:

We’re fucked.

* Which sure comes in very hand when taking on multiple attackers one at a time…


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