Friday, July 01, 2005

Pass the Ostrich Steak!

Okay, the gloves are off.

This past Tuesday, the legendary Boomtown Rat Sir Bob Geldof and desperate Bono-wannabe gave Canadian prime minister Paul Martin a public tongue lashing by telling him not to bother attending the meeting of the wealthy G8 nations in Gleneagles, Scotland next month if he isn’t prepared to increase aid to Africa.

So, being the proud patriotic Canadian I am, I feel the pressing need to speak out for my prime minister’s defense and address Sir Bob directly. On behalf of Canadians everywhere:

“Eh, Fuck off you hoser! The Boomtown Rats sucked at the best of times and your hair looks like it hasn’t been combed in 20 years, eh.”

Geldof scolded Martin from a Rome press conference by stating: “If he’s not prepared, stay at home, just stay at home, don’t come.” Perfect! Who wants to go to your shitty-ass meeting on some rainy golf course to talk about hungry Africans over boiled sheep’s intestines with some stiffs in skirts anyways?

It seems to me that Geldof has dropped any subtlety from his act, and is now appearing as heavy-handed and self-righteous as the tin-pot dictators against whom he's fighting.

Leading into the coordinated Live 8 concerts hosted in London, Paris, Berlin, Moscow, Philadelphia, Rome, Tokyo, Johannesburg, and Barrie (an hour outside Toronto for you non-Canadians), Geldof is “turning up the heat” on world leaders to commit to his pre-determined goal of 0.7 per cent of the country’s gross national product by 2015. Martin has responded that “(We are) not going to make a commitment that (we) are not sure the government will be able to keep.”

Fuckin-A! Those ARE my taxpayer’s dollars that Sir Bob is so eagerly trying to earmark for his World Hunger hard-on. Pardon me “Mr. I Don’t Like Mondays”, but I don’t like chancing my country slipping back into a deficit, thank you very-fucking-much! Of course, I support the cause of eradicating hunger in Africa and I will continue dropping my spare change into those collection jars on check-out countertops everywhere, but $15 billion per year every year until 2015 - roughly five times the current level? Are you fucking serious?

Hey Bob, let me ask; how much are YOU donating there, Daddy Warbucks? Sure, you raised $40 million for famine relief back in 1985 with the Live Aid shows, but what have you done for us lately?

It seemed like only yesterday that they were marching in the streets and waving placards with “No to drug addicts and rock homos” in front of the British High Commission in Kampala to protest against ‘ol Sir Bob for speaking out against the Ugandan president Yoweri Museveni.


Oh wait, it was!

I’d prefer to see that kind of financial commitment and political dedication to go to other pressing issues here at home instead like the funding of public hospitals and schools, or hey, how about sheltering our own growing numbers of homeless or feeding the ever increasing hungry people on our own city streets? Crazy notion, isn’t it? I know.

Besides, it seems to me that of all the important issues taking place given the current political climate of Africa; hunger just doesn’t seem that friggin’ bad. There’s the widespread AIDS epidemic in South Africa, ruthless Hutu death squads exterminating Tutsi populations in Rwanda, nineteen years of conflict between government and brutal resistance armies in Uganda, 4,600 Angolan misplaced refugees in the Democratic Republic of Congo, and a 28-month-old civil war in the Sudan resulting in the loss of 300,000 lives, 2.4 million civilians being displaced from their homes, and 20,000 fleeing the slaughter into neighboring Chad. And Bob Geldof thinks that by throwing a few million Mars bars into the African continent, that he’s somehow going to miraculously change it for the better?

Get fucked.

If given the choice between going hungry or having my arms hacked off by machetes in some backwoods scuffle between rival rebel groups…I’ll pass on the second helpings, thanks.

Besides, how hungry can the people of Africa really be? I mean, after watching more than just a few animal documentaries about the African safaris on the Wildlife Channel, I’m under the impression that Africa is just one huge enormous buffet table! There’s succulent animals and juicy game roaming everywhere! How can anybody ever go hungry? Shit, down just one sick African elephant and you could probably feed the entire population of Burundi for weeks!

By all rights, the African people should already be enjoying the mother of all fucking barbeques! It should be giraffe burgers and hippo salad for everybody!

Wait, why are we sending money again? Oh yeah, that jackass Bob Geldof…

Geldof further railed that “the world is broken and it’s a political fracture. Live 8 will be the splint, hopefully, that joins it. In order to make that work, the Canadian prime minister must come to terms with a completely open mind.”

If I were Paul Martin, I’d show Geldof my “open mind” by pulling his shirt over his head and repeatedly clubbing him with the business end of my Bauer hockey stick until he barfs up his zebra pate.

For the time being, we can just ship over all the leftovers in Luther Vandros' refridgerator to munch on as aperitifs until a mutual, more realistic agreement can be reached for a reasonable charitable donation.

Other than that, go suck bacon you Boomtown queerbait!


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