Thursday, September 02, 2010

Discovering the Depths of Human Stupidity

The world is less one idiot this morning.

The Discovery Channel headquarters in Montgomery, Maryland fell under siege yesterday when an anti-human environmental terrorist by the name of James Lee, a self-professed atheist and Spanish music aficionado took hostages and issued the world a crazy list of demands.

So I guess he doesn’t like ‘Ice Road Tuckers’ either, eh?

Lee, 43 years of age, believed that the channel wasn’t doing enough to save the planet and hence, made the decision to take matters into his own hands. He strapped explosives to his person and stormed the Discovery headquarters where he immediately took three hostages and asked that no one else leave the building.

Now, first of all, here is a clear indication of Lee’s overall sanity in my opinion. Who, when loaded down with enough explosives to make a crater the size of Rhode Island, simply “asks” people to stick around? “Excuse me, folks, would you mind sticking around so I can blow you up if they don’t meet my demands? Thank you ever so much.” No, you don’t ask do you; you demand! Stick around or your ass is grass – simple.

Regardless, the hostage battle continued for four hours after which the Maryland police officers shot him dead. None of the people held captive by Lee were hurt and all the 2000 people working in the building, including the 100 children in a daycare center at the building were evacuated safely before police started firing on him. The fact that Lee is completely Loony Tunes is probably not open to much debate, but what was he trying to accomplish exactly?

Apparently, Lee was under the belief that the Discovery Channel was not doing enough to save the planet. He said the network and its affiliates should stop "encouraging the birth of any more parasitic human infants." Instead, he said, it should air "programs encouraging human sterilization and infertility."

"NO MORE BABIES! Population growth is a real crisis," he wrote.

"I want Discovery Communications to broadcast on their channels to the world their new program lineup and I want proof they are doing so," he wrote. "I want the new shows started by asking the public for inventive solution ideas to save the planet and the remaining wildlife on it."

Sure, no problem bud. Get the world to stop screwing. Easy!

Discovery Health and TLC, both owned by Discovery Communications, spearheaded America's fascination with prodigious families.

TLC is perhaps the most recognizable in the large-family genre of reality television with its one-time flagship series "Jon & Kate Plus 8," which at its peak garnered 10 million viewers. Its spin-off, "Kate Plus 8," premiered with 3.4 million viewers in June.

TLC's other bountiful brood includes The Duggar family in "19 Kids and Counting." The network has also aired "Table for 12," and "Kids by the Dozen," which featured a number of families with 13 to 16 children each.

Now I hate Reality television as much as the next guy – but really? Let’s look at some of the other bat-shit demands made by Lee in his issued manifesto.

"The Discovery Channel and it's affiliate channels MUST have daily television programs at prime time slots based on Daniel Quinn's "My Ishmael" pages 207-212 where solutions to save the planet would be done in the same way as the Industrial Revolution was done, by people building on each other's inventive ideas. Focus must be given on how people can live WITHOUT giving birth to more filthy human children since those new additions continue pollution and are pollution. A game show format contest would be in order."

Clearly, James hasn’t been laid in a while. Maybe, in part, due to his apparent fascination with game shows. Forget David Suzuki, the world will be saved by Bob Barker and a ‘Showcase Showdown’ to end all ‘Showcase Showdown’s’. Whoever knew that game shows could be utilized as such an effective tool for learning and continued environmental education? Just imagine the possibilities: ‘Wheel of Pollution’, ‘Who Wants to be a Recycler?’, and ‘Are You Smarter than a Militant Environmentalist?’

Oh, but there’s more…

"All programs on Discovery Health-TLC must stop encouraging the birth of any more parasitic human infants and the false heroics behind those actions. In those programs' places, programs encouraging human sterilization and infertility must be pushed. All former pro-birth programs must now push in the direction of stopping human birth, not encouraging it."

Okay, you know, I can kind of get behind this just a wee bit. If I have to watch Kate and her brood of yard apes traipse through Disneyworld on another all-expense paid trip one more time I may consider strapping some C-4 to my body and going all 9/11 myself. These types of shows sponsor individuals who ultimately leave an enormous environmental footprint and, seemingly, don’t give a shit as long as the royalty checks keep rolling in. Stop having kids, you morons! Your vagina is not a clown car. However, who’s going to tune into a program about abstinence? Not exactly prime time viewing, is it?

"Saving the environment and the remaining species diversity of the planet is now your mindset. Nothing is more important than saving them. The lions, tigers, giraffes, elephants, froggies, turtles, apes, raccoons, beetles, ants, sharks, bears, and, of course, the squirrels."

Oh, of course! For the love of God – don’t forget the squirrels! Won’t somebody please think of the squirrels; some jokes just write themselves. Its obvious here that the guy is nuttier than squirrel shit.

But here is my absolute favorite:

"Also, war must be halted. Not because it's morally wrong, but because of the catastrophic environmental damage modern weapons cause to other creatures. FIND SOLUTIONS JUST LIKE THE BOOK SAYS! Humans are supposed to be inventive. INVENT, DAMN YOU!!"

You mean ‘inventive’, as in storming a television channel’s main office and taking hostages demanding we do something to help the squirrels and create more television game shows - that kind of ‘inventive’? You can really sense Lee’s desperation here: “INVENT, DAMN YOU!!” It’s a total ‘Planet of the Apes’ moment here, as you can just see him cursing the rest of us “damn dirty apes”. Poor bastard.

All in all - squirrels and game shows aside - Lee makes some pretty valid points in his argument. It’s just too bad that he continually refers to us (and therefore me by association) as “stupid, filthy parasitic humans”. I love you too, dumbass.

Sure we’re brainless, materialistic fuck bunnies, but at least we’re sane brainless, materialistic fuck bunnies. I think Lee’s greatest contribution to his own anti-human platform was in having his own ass gunned down and therefore erased from this mortal coil creating a healthier, more intelligent gene pool for the rest of us.

Rest in peace, dipshit.


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