Seal of Disapproval (Part II)

Despite the recent efforts of celebrities Paul McCartney, and wife Heather Mills, to sway us bloodthirsty Canadians from our tradtional harp seal hunts, Canadian Minister of Fisheries and Oceans Loyola Hearn announced Wednesday that the government was going increase the quota this year to 335,000 seals . This newly set quota exceeds last years cull by 15,000.

Sucks to be a harp seal, I agree - but "Oh, happy day!"

Imagine that - the cockamamie protest antics of Sir Paul out on the Canadian ice floes only two short weeks ago, had the actual reverse effect. How's that for sending a message?

I suppose the McCartney's made only one mistake with their whole protest, one which shines in its flawed magnificence: Inuits don't give a shit about Paul McCartney or the Beatles. As far as they were concerned, it was just another dipshit in a red snow suit standing between them and dinner.

As part of the 2006-2010 Atlantic Seal Management Plan, Hearn said a quota of 325,000 (the largest marine mammal kill on Earth) is set for the regular hunt, plus an additional 10,000 harp seal allowance has been set aside for new aboriginal initiatives, personal use and Arctic hunts. This one-year allowance will provide opportunities for aboriginal communities to access the resource - ie. kick some harp seal ass - and benefit from this growing market*, Hearn said. He concluded by adding: "Now, git in there and lets see some good club-handling!"

Besides the economic benefits of the hunt, seals are an important source of nutrition, as well as a focus of social and cultural life for aboriginal peoples and other residents of Atlantic Canada, Quebec and the Far North, according to the Canadian Department of Fisheries and Oceans (DFO).

Basically, it's just a shitload of fun - something for the whole famly!

But this just isn't going to stop the onslaught of celebrities or keep them from their precious photo ops and press releases. Next on the celebrity band-wagon is 71-year-old French film legend Brigitte Bardot who plans on visiting Ottawa next week despite health problems with the hope of meeting Prime Minister Stephen Harper and voicing her concerns on the issue. Bardot has concentrated on animal rights in recent years, and although not vegetarian, has taken a personal oath to "never have anything that hasn't been brutally murdered first." Huh? What does she think her gourmet cutlets died of - lonelines?

Honestly, iff all these celebrities really cared about the baby harp seals as much as they did about appearing in front of cameras, they could probably make a single personal donation large enough to subsidize the entire fucking hunt! Paul McCartney must spend as least that amount in a year on gold embroidered toilet paper alone. Although I'm sure they'd miss their bashing in of seal brains, I'm sure the Inuits could be swayed with enough greenbacks. But, nooooo! The United States Humane Society still has a hard-on for screwing with us Canadians.

But that's okay. Just like the stripper at any Republican campaign party - we can take it.

Most recently, Liberal Senator Celine Hervieux-Payette wrote in response to an email from the McLellan family of Minnesota who were considering cancelling a vacation and boycotting Canadian seafood because they are opposed to the "horrific" annual cull. Hervieux-Payette's response, coming only two days later, defended the harp seal hunt as an exercise in controlling the population and ensuring the livelihood of local hunters and fishermen. She defended Canada by stating: "what I find 'horrific' about your country is the daily killing of innocent people in Iraq, the execution of mainly black prisoners in U.S., the massive sale of guns to U.S. citizens every day, the destabilization of the whole world by the aggressive foreign policy of U.S. government, etc.,"

In your face, bitches! Brav-fucking-o.

Like our national economy was ever at risk just because your family flea circus should decide to quit eating your Captain Highliner. Ann, Pam, Nancy and Dale McLellan can just go fuck themselves if they think we're "going against what (they) like about Canada." They're probably the kind of people who could have their family income garnished by Columbia House in the first place, and for which "Cow Bingo" is a sport. What do we care what they do? Did they think it was just all beaver dams and SCTV up here or something?

Go suck beaver shit, dimwads.

Hervieux-Payette further explained that "they are not killed for sport reasons like our deer, moose by Canadian and U.S. hunters. You may visit us and you will see that we are a safe and humane society, respecting the traditions of the aboriginal people, not trying to impose the 'white people' standards of living on them."

Meaning we like to promote our unique cultural tastes and flavors. And everybody knows that nothing compliments a fine ethyl alcohol like a good 'ol fried seal fritter.

So sharpen up your rusty nails and practise your home run swing, my fellow Canucks, seal season is about to start anew. I am so excited that I can feel my heart beating in my teeth. What else is there to say? May your strokes be swift and deadly; may your carcasses be plentiful, and may the seed of your loins grow fruitful in the bellies of all your conquests...

...let the beatings begin.

* Canada exports seal products in three forms: sealskins, seal oil and seal meat. Mmmmmm...s-e-a-l m-e-a-t.