Seal of Disapproval

Canada is once again at odds with another attention-seeking public celebrity. This time by one, Sir Paul McCartney, over the on-going commercial seal hunts in the Gulf of St. Lawrence.

What is it with Canada lately and it's being attacked by aging rock stars? First it was Bob Geldof over the failed 0.7 percent pledging of our gross national product towards the faminie relief efforts in Africa; and then again by St. Bono to boot! What is it about us that seems to just screams "EASY TARGET!" to any modern day media rebel with a cause?

This time, ex-Beatle Paul McCartney and his wife Heather Mills took on Newfoundland and Labrador Premier Danny Williams in heated debate over the Canadian harp seal hunt. Premier Williams defended himself and Canadians on a recent airing of CNN's Larry King Live by accusing the high-profile couple of being completely misinformed and ultimately manipulated by animal rights groups.

The McCartney's are the newest celebrities to hop on board this cause by calling the seal hunt "inhumane and a stain on Canadian's reputation". The camera happy couple visited and posed with seal pups on an ice flow off the Magdalen Islands in the Gulf of St. Lawrence Thursday.

This of course only further pissed off Newfie Premier Williams to no end who then came out swinging like a blinded boxer during the televised debate by claiming that the hunt has been carried out humanely, and that it is supported by scientists, veterinarians and organizations like the UN and the World Wildlife Fund.

Take that, you Walrus bastard!

The fact is, that the McCartney's seem to have this misguided notion that all Canadians have blood-stained clubs in our closets at home and all go out wacking seal pups over the noggin every chance we get. Never mind the fact that the seal population has tripled in recent years from two million to 5.8 million. If these numbers were allowed to drastically increase, there could be the very inhumane possibility that the seals would then begin to starve. How cute and effective would your average emmaciated seal pup be to Greenpeace activists then?

Shit, the seals would be begging for the club!

Sure, sure, we went a little club-happy back in the 50's and 60's with our hunts reducing the seal population to a dangerously low level, but we've since stopped that overculling of the seal populations. Likewise, we've since upgraded our traditional clubbing methods to simply shooting them in the head. It's less satisfying, sure, but we have progressed with the times as needed.

The McCartney's have tried to paint this picture by repeatedly using brutal videos from past hunts that we are all blood-thirsty barbarians. Yep! That's right, Mr. McCartney. We Canadians love three things: Beer and bacon, hockey, and killing baby seals. Yes sir, we Canadians love our seal hunts like Maury Povich loves his paternity suits! As I understand it, a bloodied seal corpse used to be the recognized emblem on our national flag before we decided to go with the maple leaf instead. We decided to keep the red color however because it was still pretty bad ass.

As a child, I remember waking up at the crack of dawn to hammer nails through the end of a Louisville Slugger in preparation for our big annual family seal hunt vacation. I also still love me a good fried seal fritter* on a Friday night too.

*Sigh*...good times indeed.

The interesting thing is, the McCartneys' visit was arranged by the Humane Society of the United States, which said the pop star's involvement attracted enormous media attention around the world. Huh? Don't the Yanks have enough on their plate already without having to worry about sicking the McCartney's on us as well? Besides, isn't this English wanker from a country whose aristrocacy still loves to catch and torture small burrowing mammals on mounted hunts with packs of dogs?

Oh yeah.

Maybe 'ol Paul McCartney had better think of sticking to championing causes for which he might be a little better affiliated instead on mindlessly submitting himself to the fancies of his peg-leg wife! At least stop being a media lapdog long enough to sit down over a bottle of Screech with the local sealer powers-that-be to dicuss the sitation, and their livelihood, first.

Better yet - just fuck off and peddle your Jesus Juice somewhere else before I'm tempted to bring 'ol Betsy out of retirement from my closet and challenge you to a duel at Medieval Times and club your self-righteous pontsy ass back to the Neolithic Period myself in the messiest public display since the Valentine's Day Massacre!

"Goo goo g’joob" assbasket!

* Mama's recipe for Seal Brain Fritters:

2 Seal brains
1 tb Salt
1 tb Vinegar
Water to cover
2 tb Egg powder, mixed with
6 tb Luke warm water
1/2 c Flour
1/4 c Milk
1/2 ts Salt
1/4 ts Pepper
1/4 ts Mixed herbs
2 tb Melted butter
Fat for deep frying

Wash the seal brains in salted water. Remove loose skin and blood.
Soak the brains in fresh cold water for 1 hour, changing the water two or three times.
Cover with water to which 1 tablespoon salt and 1 tablespoon vinegar has been added and boil for 15 minutes. Drain and pat dry.
Mash the brains until soft and light.
Mix the flour, eggs and milk together, beating well to make a soft smooth batter.
Add the brains, melted butter, herbs, salt and pepper to the batter, and mix well.
Drop tablespoons of the mixture into hot fat and deep fry until golden brown.
Drain the fritters well before serving. Serves 4.

From _Northern Cookbook_ edited by Eleanor A. Ellis, Information Canada 1973