Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Monkey Shines

Well, it seemed that the world has still not heeded my warning about taking the super-smart chimpanzee threat seriously. Oh, no! It’s still all “look how cute they are”, and “my, but aren’t they clever!”

That’s just what the little simian fuckers want you to believe.

The latest case in point occurred in Stamford, Connecticut recently where Travis, a 14-year old 200lb chimpanzee went all ape shit – literally –mauling a 55-year-old Carla Nash, ripping apart her face and biting off both her hands.

Why don’t you ask Carla how cute she thinks chimpanzees are? Mind you, she may have some difficulty, what with not having any lips anymore.

Travis, a veteran of Old Navy and Coca-Cola* commercials has been raised by 70-year-old Sandra Herold from the time he was 3 months old and treated like a legitimate member of the Herold family. He was toilet trained and able to feed and cloth himself. He dined on steak and lobster and sipped wine from long stemmed glasses. To pass the time, he enjoyed surfing the web, going for long car drives, watching television using the remote control, and regularly brushing his teeth with a Water Pik.

Isn’t that just perfect!
Let me tell you, the world needs itself another domesticated chimpanzee like it needs another white Ford Bronco chase. We should have bombed those Senegalese monkeys back to the Stone Age when we had a chance. Now they’re multiplying, biding their time before they unleash a full-blown Armageddon on mankind.

For all we know, Travis attacked Nash because he needed her face and limbs for a recipe he had Googled up on the Internet that morning. Who knows? Need I remind you that these are some pretty crafty sons of bitches?

All the signs are there.

Apparently, Travis had appeared somewhat “rambunctious” early that day when he stole keys from the kitchen table, unlocked the door and let himself out into the backyard. All attempts to lure him back inside failed, even after Herod slipped him some Xanax - an anti-anxiety drug used for pets and humans alike - in a cup of tea. Isn't that nice?

Great plan, let’s give the hyper-agitated tea-totaling monkey drugs. Of course, what Herod didn’t realize is that Xanax actually causes an increase in anxiety in animals before they adjust to it. So, really, she just handed the monkey the loaded weapon he was looking for with that cup of spiked tea. Shit, why don't we just give them all the launch codes now?

Enter poor Carla Nash.

Carla had driven over to assist Herod in rounding up Travis from the backyard. But as soon as she stepped out of the car at 3:40pm, Travis went at her with the full force of a runaway train, ripping at her face and biting off her hands.

Stamford Police Chief Capt. Richard Conklin indicated t the press that it was not clear what prompted Travis’ assault and surmised that it might have been Nash’s new hairstyle that confused ‘ol Travis. Yeah, that’s it. The chimp must have been offended by Nash’s sense of style after watching too many makeover Reality TV shows. Certainly it had nothing to do with the fact that it was a wild, primitive animal loaded to the tits on mind altering drugs.

Good show!

Herod, in an attempt to save her victimized friend tried to pull her chimp off, but as Conklin noted, “Sandra is 70-years-old, and a 200lb chimpanzee is much, much stronger than a 200lb human being”. In other words, Herod had a better chance of lasting 3 rounds with a cage fighter than she did in defending her friend against an enraged chimpanzee.

Instead, Herod called police for help, grabbed a butcher knife and proceeded to stab her beloved hopped up Travis several times in the back, to little effect. She also tried hitting him with a shovel; but the monkey only stopped once police arrived and started pumping him full of lead after he had knocked off rear view mirrors and ripped off the door to a police cruiser in an attempt to get an officer.

“It was horrific what happened and I had to do what I had to do, but still, I’ll miss him for the rest of my life, “ Herod commented to authorities. “He couldn’t have been more like my son if I’d given birth to him,” she said. “Monkey’s are the closest thing to us. We can give them blood transfusions, they can give us one. We share DNA. How many people go crazy and kill other people?”

Apparently, Herod does not watch the news or read blogs belonging to yours truly.

She described the attack as a “freak thing” and said Travis might have mistaken her friend as an intruder and was just trying to protect her.

Yeah, right! Again – that’s just what the monkey wanted her to think. I believe that Travis was just bidding his time, surfing porn on the Intranet, and waiting for the right opportunity to run amok and picking Nash cleaner than Pavarotti’s chicken bones.

Well, I’m not buying it and I refuse to let my guard down. The writing was on the wall with those Senegalese chimps last year, and now this! How much before we accept that chimps are the new Taliban? Forget dressing them up in cute little hats and teaching them to use the Internet and Water Pik’s…hunt the furry fuckers down and snuff them out before it’s too late.

If we wait much longer it’ll be too late and they’ll have built themselves a nuclear arsenal in their own Manhattan Project and will be threatening to nuke us out of existence.

For the love of God, people – act now!

* In this case, it would seem that Travis finally lost his taste for the ‘Real Thing’ and instead acquired a taste for human flesh.