Monday, November 28, 2005

The Exo-Files

A former Canadian Minister of Defense and Deputy Prime Minister under Pierre Trudeau has joined forces with three Non-governmental organizations to ask the Parliament of Canada to hold public hearings on Exopolitics -- relations with “ETs.”

Brace yourselves fellow Canadians – The Yanks to the south are surely going to be training those nuclear warheads directly on our target now for sure! It’s bad enough that the Americans already see us as their retarded neighbor who's responsible for unleashing Mad Cow, SARS, Monkey Pox, and who fuck knows what else, but now we have to contend with some wacky ex-Minister going all X-Files and spouting off about little green men on top of things.

No wonder Bono has such a hard-on for picking on Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin in the media lately; and even Bob Geldof before him. We’re a complete laughing stock – a few strips of bacon short of a sandwich. Bono, apparently, is still “crushed” over Martin’s refusal to commit 0.7 per cent of the Gross Domestic Product to eliminating poverty.

Oh, get over yourself douchebag! I’ve said it once before and I’ll say it again: “Fuckin-A, Paul! You give that Irish dipshit in the cowboy hat what-fucking-for, eh! Show him how your left hook moves in mysterious ways!”

Now here’s Paul Hellyer, Canada’s Defense Minister from 1963-67 under Nobel Peace Prize Laureate Prime Minister Lester Pearson, publicly stating: "UFOs, are as real as the airplanes that fly over your head" on September 25th of this year in a startling speech at the University of Toronto.

Just fucking perfect! Who’s ever going to take us seriously anymore at this rate? Even though we're known Internationally as the worlds "peackeepers"; our little blue helmets arn't going to be worth shit against an alien Death Ray.

It seems that Mr. Hellyer so firmly believes in his ET’s that he further warned his audience that the United States military are preparing weapons which could be used against the aliens, and they could get us into an intergalactic war without us ever having any warning. He openly stated, "The Bush administration has finally agreed to let the military build a forward base on the moon, which will put them in a better position to keep track of the goings and comings of the visitors from space, and to shoot at them, if they so decide."

Okay. This guy has been sniffing way too many FEDEX van seat cushions! Somebody shut this fucking guy up before even the friggin’ Danish are laughing at our collective asses.

Here we’re grappling with the Avian Flu pandemic that’s hanging over our heads and this numbnut is worried about Intergalactic Wars. So much so that three Non-governmental organizations took Hellyer’s words to heart, and approached the Parliament in Ottawa, to hold public hearings on a possible ET presence, and what Canada should do. The Canadian Senate, which is an appointed body, has held objective, well-regarded hearings and issued reports on controversial issues such as same-sex marriage and medical marijuana. In fact, to better organize the agenda for this particular Senate hearing, I assume that the actual same-sex legislature will be literally used to roll up the remaining evidence from the medical marijuana hearing so that it can be smoked before the Senate commences with it's scheduled meeting. How else are you every going to understand that on October 20th, the Institute for Cooperation in Space requested Canadian Senator Colin Kenny, Senator, Chair of The Senate Standing Senate Committee on National Security and Defence, “schedule public hearings on the Canadian Exopolitics Initiative, so that witnesses such as the Hon. Paul Hellyer, and Canadian-connected high level military-intelligence, NORAD-connected, scientific, and governmental witnesses facilitated by the Disclosure Project and by the Toronto Exopolitics Symposium can present compelling evidence, testimony, and Public Policy recommendations.”

Huh? Are my taxpayer’s dollars fucking paying for this? I better smoke another one...

Imagine sitting in on that particular Senate meeting. One minute it's all "dood", "no way", and "wow, man", and the next thing you know, everybody is gorging themselves on cookies and playing X-Box.

The Canadian Exopolitics Initiative, presented by the organizations to a Senate Committee panel hearing in Winnipeg, Canada, on March 10th, proposes that the Government of Canada undertake a 'Decade of Contact'. The proposed 'Decade of Contact' is “a 10-year process of formal, funded public education, scientific research, educational curricula development and implementation, strategic planning, community activity, and public outreach concerning our terrestrial society’s full cultural, political, social, legal, and governmental communication and public interest diplomacy with advanced, ethical Off-Planet cultures now visiting Earth.”

And all this because a bunch of garage door openers suddenly broke? Is any other Canadian embarrassed yet?

We're going to have every brill-creamed geekasaurus and sophmore Trekkie outcast beelining for our border for the next few months. Shit, anybody who's ever so much as owned, played with, or built a to-scale model replica of the Millenium Falcon as a child will be applying for a permanent citizenship. Sure this would all give Leonard Nimoy an erection the size of Manitoulin Island, but what’s it all mean exactly? I don’t understand the need to continually poke the active beehive with sticks just to see what happens. And believe me, after 9/11, that big fucking beehive to the south isn’t in the mood for shit – ET’s or otherwise. They already have their eyes trained on us as it is - they’re just as likely to recall their troops from the Middle East and turn them loose on us instead. Americans already think we’re a nation of complete stoners all running around with our tongues stuck out of our mouths because somebody once warned us of acid rain. They’d think nothing of rolling over us and paving over the prairies for a massive military parking lot.

Miraculously, Hellyer ended his speech with a standing ovation - a testament aimed more towards the quality of good shit on hand, than for the actual speaker himself. He even concluded, saying, "The time has come to lift the veil of secrecy, and let the truth emerge, so there can be a real and informed debate, about one of the most important problems facing our planet today."

Sadly, he did not mean starving Africans. Fuck their skinny asses - we have bigger fish to fry!

3 Comments:

Blogger GG705 said...

Don't worry I have always thought Canadians were "their retarded neighbor who's responsible for unleashing Mad Cow, SARS, Monkey Pox"

Don't feel too bad about your crazies, I live in the state that currently has the Governater screwing things up. And if that�s not a good enough national embarrassment we always have Bush....

12:58 AM  
Blogger Wandering Coyote said...

Ok, I used to work at the National Archives in Ottawa - the non-public one. There is a Record Group there entirely devoted to UFO sightings. An archivist was talking about this in the lunchroom. He asked us, who is haning around in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night on the prairies, where most of the reported sightings are?

Answer: the RCMP.

Just thought I'd let you know our tax dollars are already hard at work on this one.

8:23 PM  
Blogger Leo Hart said...

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8:03 AM  

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