Tuesday, September 09, 2008


First it was chimps with sharpened sticks; then we taught them how to control robotic limbs. Combine this with the fact that we’ve also taught rats to use rakes and you’ll see that we’ve practically signed our own death warrants.

But just in case you need any further proof that the animal kingdom is clearly making a serious bid to dethrone mankind from the top of the food chain, consider these two late-breaking news stories:

“Black bears munchies lead to Utah grow-op”

Well, ho-lee shit!

Never mind Smokey the Bear, that’s all we need but some pothead bear wandering around the wilderness looking to score. It’s bad enough we have to put up with them at the city dump and raiding our camp sites n’ all but now we also have to worry about having them smoking our precious weed too.

At least Smokey the Bear had a purpose: to put out forest fires. I doubt very much that any stoner bear is going to lend much hand in preventing anything other than, maybe, glaucoma.

Investigators say a large black bear raided a clandestine marijuana growing operation so often that it chased the grower(s) away. Deputies found food containers ripped open and strewn about al over, along with claw marks and bear prints everywhere. All that was really missing from the scene was a water bong and a Nintendo Wii and you’d have the apartment of any respectable University drop out.

Point is; bears should not smoke the ganja. Despite the fact that it may make them too lazy to give chase or too lethargic to actually give a shit about anything at all, I still don’t support the giving of anything that might also lead to the enhancing of their appetites.

Bumping into a black bear is bad enough; never mind a black bear with the munchies! You’re just a walking Ding-Dong at that point. And that’s never going to end up well is it?

Before you know it the entire pyramid of earth’s inhabitants will be upset and we’ll have bears begging for loose change outside bus stations to support their habits.

But then again, maybe the problem of bears partaking has been around for much longer than we realize. After all, look at Yogi and Boo Boo.

Here are two of your classic stoner stereotypes: hungry, clumsy, forgetful, and then there’s that dopey slang in which they talk to each other, “isn’t that right, Boo Boo?” Yeah, sounds like hippy to me. Let’s not forget the fact that they are also so driven by the monkey on their back that they are reduced to stealing helpless camper’s picnic baskets.

We should have been taking notes all along.

What next you ask?

“Rehab stint cures elephant’s heroin addiction”

Yep, that’s right! You guessed it.

Apparently it’s true; marijuana is also a gateway drug for animals to move towards harder, more consequential drug use. One minute you’re raiding picnic baskets to satisfy your munchies and the next thing you know you’re a four ton elephant turning tricks in some Beijing alleyway in order to afford your next fix of smack.

Cue the Iggy Pop as it’s a Dumbo-turned-Trainspotting kind of plotline, when Xiguang, a four-year-old male Asian elephant, became addicted after he was captured by smugglers along the Chinese-Myanmar border in March 2005 who used heroin-laced bananas as a means of controlling him. Xiguang was found suffering from withdrawal after being released by the smugglers. When the poor beast was discovered, he was wearing a worn skirt and fuck-me boots while offering trunk jobs to passing tourists.

Much longer and he probably would have also had a #1 hit album a well.

So for the past three years, Xiguang has been given his daily methadone injections in doses five times larger than those given to us human junkies and now he’s a s clean as the new-fallen snow.

That’s awesome!

Picture the morning roll call at the next “Promises” celebrity rehab center: Brittany, Lindsay, Amy Winehouse, and a four ton Chinese elephant.

Boy, I’d love to be a fly-on-the-wall for that meeting.

Why do we tempt fate like this? First we give them weapons, then we teach them to use gardening implements, then we give them access to drugs.

Not smart!

We may as well just sign ourselves over as the supreme rulers of planet earth now. We’re just never going to learn are we?

And the animal apocolypse draws closer...