Sunday, March 12, 2006

"Ding! Dong! The Bitch is Dead!"

The news reports are now beginning to flow in with tsunami force about the recent death of former Yugoslavian leader Slobodan Milosevik this past Saturday when he was found laying lifeless in his cell at the U.N. detention centre like a kipper on a cracker.

For those of you who droped too much E and danced your way through the 90's in a pair of sparkly gold lame man panties, completely oblivious to ongoing plights of the world at the time, Milosevik has been on trial for charges of genocide and crimes against humanity for his involvement in the bloody Balkan conflicts. At the expense of the three hundred thousand people dead and another 2.5 million homeless in Coatia, Bosnia, and Kosovo, Milosevik emmerged himself as the Hannibal Lector of Eastern European politics. The kind of person that quicksand would spit up.

The rap sheet of over 66 charges brought against him by the U.N. reads like the roll call of offenses for the inmates at any maximum security asylum. Rape, torture, money-laundering, terrorism; the list just goes on and on. Milosevic has been accused of orchestrating the butchering and slaughtering of thousands of displaced people and just about every war crime known to mankind up to, and including, kicking puppies. He makes Vlad the Impaler look like Little Orphan Annie by comparison.

Honestly, no wonder so many of the young girls were coming over here to be porn stars.

So why is it then that I can detect a slight remorse in Anderson Cooper's voice as he dilvers this message to the world? Why are we treating this news so solemnly? Umm, helloooo? This is Slobodan Milosevik we're talking about here - not Milla Jovovich!

Now THAT would be some tragic news.

Fuck the "we regret to inform you", or the "the world is shocked to hear about the death of...", this particular news should be set to an upbeat soundtrack of angel trumpets to herald the significant magnitude of this joyous event. We shouldn't be shocked; we should be celebrating! We should all be out dancing in the streets, huffing paint, and shot-gunning beers like we were all back at some Grade Eight house party. Or how about for that real warm fuzzy heart-tickler effect, have the news broadcasted by some somber-faced John Cusak lookalike in a trentcoat outside every window with raised ghettoblaster over his head; spreading the good word:

"All my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside"

Is anybody tearing up yet? Give me a break.

The only tragedy here is the fact that Milosevik wasn't able to stay alive long enough for us to apply the thumb screws. "It is a pity he didn't live to the end of the trial to get the sentence he deserved," Croatian President Stipe Mesic said. Yeah, that about sums it up. You just know there was a long line of people waiting for the chance to kick this guys in the Charlie Brown's; and fat chance any of them are shedding any tears now.

It's not like this guy was ever going to see the light of day again. We should have just put the bullet between his eyes when we had the chance. Or just strip him naked and turn him loose on the ravaged streets of Kosovo to meet his fate at the hands of victimized Muslim refugees.

The biographical video montages of this guy's past attrocities now being played on CNN are like being glued to a David Cronenberg movie marathon. They are also reporting that Milosevik's family and loyal supporters are now criticizing the U.N. for not allowing him to travel to Russia to recieve specialized medical treatment for his failing health.


The man should have been locked away in the dark for the rest of his life and forced to shit in a hole in the ground. I'll would be shot in the chest with projectile diarreha before I would ever feel any sympathy for his physical condition. They should just consider it fortunate that he wasn't staked to an anthill during the trial like he deserved. Besides, who wouldn't have high blood pressure or chances of heart attack if they were facing being found guilty of war crimes and hanged in the town square? Shit, I'd be a walking hemorrhage waiting to happen.

But fuck that, toss the bastard an Aspirin and lets get on with the damn show.

Dovidenja, prostituka*!

* Roughly translates as: "Goodbye, you bitch."


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