Tuesday, June 28, 2005

The Lost Cub Scout Ordeal

Who else is getting sick of hearing about Brennan Hawkins? Anyone?

Go on! You can admit it.

Brennan Hawkins, of course, was the 11-year-old Cub Scout who managed to get his ass lost in the rugged wilderness around Lily Lake, Utah for an four entire days – just disappeared without a trace. Summit County Sheriff’s Department, as well as thousands of volunteers and emergency organizers, combed the area repeatedly without turning up any significant clues to the poor missing boy’s whereabouts or well being...blah, blah, fucking blah.

Who else is ready to puncture their eardrums with a sharp implement?

For all the relentless focus that this story has been receiving on Prime Time CNN lately, I’m ready to feed this fucking idiot child to the mountain lions myself! Between the chilling tales of survival at 8,500ft and the first hand accounts of rescuers whose fruitless searchers had continuously turned up a total of jack shit with each new late breaking CNN Update, the portrait of some goofy kid who probably wears his underpants in the shower has been forever burned into my brain.

I mean, isn’t there enough loose terrorist insurgents and car bomb explosions going on in Iraq still that Anderson Cooper hasn’t got enough to report on already?

As it turns out, it’s not that Brennan had really fallen victim to any serious life threatening accidents, or even simply fallen where he couldn’t get up. Nooooooooo! Not Brennan.

Brennan instead just avoided rescuers and searching volunteers altogether by hiding just off the main trails when they happened to come by looking for him. So he wasn’t even lost so much as he was just….hiding?

Evidently, Brennan hasn’t successfully finished his ‘Common Sense’ merit badge any more than he has his ‘Orientation’ badge, and he has the accumalated survival skills of a chestnut. And this kid is a Cub Scout?

But as his family points out in his defense, he was born prematurely and is therefore socially immature as a result. “Socially immature” - WTF? Is this what they’re calling “stupid” these days?

His father, Tony Hawkins, goes even further to state that “he hasn’t got any disabilities; he’s just immature.” Hey, thanks for the repressed memory Pops! Besides, I’d consider the fact that this kid obviously couldn’t beat a box of rocks at a simple game of checkers would automatically classify him as being “disabled” - wouldn't you?

Face it: your son is S-T-U-P-I-D! If it walks likes a duck, and eats paste like a duck – it’s a stupid fucking duck.

Brennan was apparently afraid to contact potential rescuers that he may have encountered along the hiking trails because he feared they might be trying to steal him. After all, the searchers weren’t using the pre-established “safe word” that the family had adopted with him.

I would think that “Breeeeeeennan! Come out before you die of exposure!” would have been safe word enough – but hey, that’s just me.

I thought common sense would prevail in these situations and indicate to someone in trouble, even a “socially immature” 11-year-old dimwit, that the gravity of being bear bait in the harsh Utah wilderness would take precedent over not talking to strangers. Perhaps ‘Sesame Street’ should make an amendment to their child safety tip: “Never talk to strangers…UNLESS, you’re lost in the deep woods, starving, and have a rabid bobcat chewing on your leg.”

Brennan was finally rescued by a rescue searcher driving around on an all-terrain vehicle. His only concern: “Has my Pokemon cards come yet?” He was taken to Primary Children’s Medical Center in Salt Lake City, where doctors diagnosed him with sunburn, scrapes, bruises, minor dehydration…and being stupid, of course.

Shit, forget the band-aids…lets get this kid on some serious flash cards, STAT!


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