Saturday, April 30, 2005

The Great Kraut Krote Caper

In something right out of the pages of Revelations, German scientists are baffled by an unexplained natural phenomenon occurring in and around a lake in the Altona district of Hamburg.

More than 1,000 toads have puffed up and exploded in recent weeks, leaving parks surrounding the lake looking like another WWII battlefield, as well as attracting large numbers of French chefs and cuisine afficienado's out of the surrounding countryside.

There is still no explanation for what’s causing the amphibious explosions. Both the ponds water and body parts of the toads have been tested, but scientists and naturalists have been unable to find a bacteria or virus that would cause the toads to swell up and pop. Nor has anybody been able to relate this to any other similar occurrence elsewhere; and I’m sure that thousands of exploding toads, their bodies swelling up like balloons until their stomachs suddenly burst, would stand out in peoples memories!

How fucking creepy is that?

The ponds water quality is no better or worse than any of the other bodies of water in Hamburg, the toads did not appear to have a disease, and a laboratory in Berlin has ruled out the possibility that it was a fungus that made its way from South America.

Biologists have come up with several other theories that have all been ruled out, apart from one. Testing will likely continue, and city residents have been warned to stay away from the pond. The last thing the Germans need is their people beginning to explode along the banks and in the streets!

The one theory that is still being investigated is that the frogs are being pierced by indigenous crows who are pecking them with their beaks between the amphibians chest and abdominal cavity, in order to eat their livers. The toads swell up as a form of self-defense. But when their livers are taken away and their stomachs are punctured, their blood vessels explode, their lungs collapse and the other organs ooze out.

Veterinarian, Frank Mutschmann, claims that crows are extremely intelligent animals and have quickly adapted on how to eat toad livers. And we thought only the French had the good foresight on these delicacies!

He also states that between three and five crows could easily kill around 100 toads – the area around the Altona Lake district, has already been nicknamed the “Pond of Death”.

I am still unconvinced however. I am leaning towards the supernatural to explain this bizarre combustible amphibian phenomenon. In fact, I say that this is a sure sign that Armageddon is brewing on the horizon.

Germany, the literal breeding ground of evil in the past century or so, has become the Ground Zero for global apocalypse. Now that a new German Pope has been elected, the whole sequence of events leading towards the prophesied ultimate demise of mankind has been triggered, and now toads are also exploding to signal the arrival of the Rapture.

This was probably all detailed incognito-like in the back pages of the Bible somewhere:

“Yea, when the Omelet King is elected to lead the faithful sinners, the amphibians shall rise from the waters and rupture to signal the return of the Anti-Christ.”

Either that, or these toads are part of some new terrorist weapon unleashed on the innocent German civilians to wreck havoc and terror on homeland soil.

Maybe it would be more prudent to assume the toads are all part of some elite Taliban operatives enlisted as secret suicide bombers and are but one new means of bringing holy Jihad to the Western Infidel.

Maybe instead of running laboratory testing on the toads in question, we should be probing their personal histories for potential links and ties to known organized terrorist organizations. At the very least, check to see if they have little beards or are wearing little turbans.

It’s possible that Kermit has been serving as a planted Taliban spy all this time, living among us and reporting back on our weaknesses and vulnerabilities to the evil leaders of global chaos. That would make him the Ayman al-Zawahiri of the amphibious terrorist brigade.


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