Thursday, September 28, 2006

Fingerpainting With the Fuhrer

Good news, art lovers: 21 watercolors and sketches attributed to everyone’s favorite frustrated artist, Adolph Hitler, were auctioned off in the U.K. this past Tuesday for a grand total of $220,000 – more than double the auctioneer's pre-sale estimate

Not too shabby for an evil dictator. Even Genghis Khan's collection of macaroni art wouldn't fetch that kind of dollar. No, sir! Everybody else has sold out, why not evil dictators? Time for the past monsters of history to get themselves a little piece of the action too. Shit, soon you should be able to buy woven baskets by Edi Amin on the shelf at the local Wal-mart.

"Why indeed yes it is, Thad, dear boy. That is, in fact, an original Milosevic hanging over the mantelpiece. And right over here, next to my Mussolini Popsicle House is my Pol Pot ashtray..."

The works were created while he was on break from the front lines where he served as a soldier in the First World War. They’re mostly of landscapes and buildings, and apparently, considered to be, well, (hold onto your beer steins) quite fucking shitty really. I know – what a shocker, huh? Well, as it turns out, Hitler was a better evil mastermind and world domineer than he ever was a painter.

But there’s an auction I would have loved to attend. I wonder how much Hitler’s still life portrait of ‘Jewish Pig with Fruit’ went for?

“Some people would consider the sale somewhat controversial, but the pieces were executed so long ago - nearly 100 years ago - that they now just represent something of the past," spokesman Chris Walton said. "The paintings are of historical interest rather than artistic merit."

Dealing with Hitler's work and other items related to the Nazi regime has always been a thorny issue.

In many European countries, including Germany, it is illegal to buy, own or sell Nazi memorabilia. A German auction house in 2001 withdrew a Hitler painting following public protests.

That’s seems pretty funny to me. Since when have the Germans ever been the purveyors of moral standard in the art world? Aren’t these the same people for which grainy videos of other people shitting on one another is considered valid cinema? Take a crap in some blondes mouth and, hey, the worlds your oyster – but dare to purchase or sell a piece of shitty art by some past madman and suddenly everybody has ethics.

The Center of Military History in Washington, D.C., has hundreds of Nazi-related pieces - including four Hitler paintings - but they are locked in vaults and not on display. Rumor has it that Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, spends a lot of time wandering around the vaults in a spiked helmet masturbating to ‘The Smokestacks at Auschwitz’ and ‘Burn, Jew Bastard, Burn!’

I think it’s more interesting to think about what might have transpired if only Hitler had decided to instead pursue his deep-rooted love of shitty art? Just think, besides avoiding the whole Holocaust thing, as well as preventing the total destruction and displacement of mainland Europe, we would all now have been enjoying slightly better-than-shitty art hanging all over the place!

Golf clap!


Imagine a world where Hitler’s art is everywhere. It could have happened. You walk into your local Applebee’s, and there hanging above the salad bar, a Hitler print of ‘The Burning of Preux-au-Bois’. Or waiting in your doctor’s office and passing the time by staring into the chipper ‘Tanks Crushing Slow-Moving Mothers’.

What a cheery world it might have been.

What’s the big deal about shitty art anyway? If some dipshit wants to pay $50,000 for a shitty artwork to hang beside his Dalmer in the bathroom – so be it. Obviously, either he’s a complete raving sociopath who’s already planning to carve Swastika’s into your forehead, or he just has an interest in paintings of creepy clowns and burning bodies. In other words; he just likes his shitty art.

Just don't invite him to your next backyard BBQ and you'll be fine.


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