The War on Chimps

Some headlines are funny; some headlines are sad, and some just plain, perfunctory and boring. Some, however, portent the end of the world with a vividness rivaled only by the ‘Book of Revelation’. A recent headline from last Friday’s Washington Post, may just fall into that last category:

“For First Time, Chimps Seen Making Weapons for Hunting”.

Rowh-oh! That’s not good. Not good at all!

Reports are that researchers in Senegal have witnessed chimpanzees making spears from sticks. Apparently, they use their hands and teeth to peel the bark from sticks. Then they sharpen the ends with their teeth. Then they jab them into the hollows of trees where the bush babies are sleeping. In one case, a chimp was even seen to take a stabbed animal out of a tree and eat it.

Now is that scary or what?

Of course, chimps have been seen using crude tools for many centuries, but this spear-making is the first time people have witnessed them going through a multi-step process to create something that they seem to use for a specific purpose; namely, the impaling of unsuspecting sleeping animals from tree trunks.

Lets look at the big picture here. Today it’s jabbing a bush baby with a crudely fashioned spear, tomorrow the Statue of Liberty is buried up to her jubblies in sand, humans are in cages, and a half-naked Charleston Heston is making sweet love to a monkey.

How long before these super-smart chimps evolve and develop their own sophisticated arsenal of monkey weaponry, and pose a more serious threat to the human race? If we let these chimps go unchecked, they’ll soon be driving around in Beamer’s and buying stock over their cells. And from there it’s only a short hop, skip, and a jump from buying nuclear weapons on the Black Market.

I’m sorry, but I just don’t share the same enthusiasm for this evolutionary event as the naturalists and zoologists. It’s not the cute or interesting, scientifically or otherwise. This is a serious threat to my mind. I’ve taken solace in the fact that I am not the stupidest creature on the face of the earth. To me, this represents a significant challenge for my already unstable position on the evolutionary ladder.

Forget Osama bin Laden, Kim Jong-Il, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, or any other popular globally vilified evil-doer, I say we move on these terrorist monkey motherfuckers now and wipe them out with a full on ‘Shock and Awe’ assault.

Rain down sweet explosive justice! Really give these l’il chimp bastards what for!

Think about it people. Think about it.

Act now and save ourselves the future worry of having to fight another unpopular ‘War on Terror’. And just imagine the indignity of having to fight a ‘War on Chimps’. There’ll be anarchy running amok in the streets and our society will be eventually overthrown. Before you know it, we’ll all be made into their monkey bitches.

The proverbial shit will be flung in all directions and it’ll be a bad moon rising on that day, my friends.

And that’s not a life worth living.