Academy Award Pre-thoughts:

In a few minutes, the whole madness that is the 2005 Academy Awards will commence, and all remaining bastions of tolerable educational television will be surrendered to this ceremonial Hollywood Wack-a-thon. There will be no avoiding it for the next 24 hours, the Oscars are taking over the airwaves.

Interestingly this year, I can honestly say that not only have I not actually seen any of them but I haven’t even heard of any of them either. I am completely ignorant of all entries and nominations equally across the board. In some cases, I may recognize a familiar big actor or actress’s name, but I still haven’t a solitary clue as to what they were nominated for. That makes me about as removed from the whole Academy Award proceedings as a blind man at a Mime Festival.

So just for kicks, lets take a look at what’s on the menu for this evenings Oscar festivities, and then I can

SIDEWAYS ~ probably the most underrated of albums released by forgotten Canadian rockers ‘Men Without Hats’. I have no idea what the movie could possibly be about, but I’m definitely going to be digging this cassette tape out from under the bed later on!

“Had a dream where everybody looked like someone else,
the farthest I could get from was the closest to myself.
Tonight I'll dream tomorrow's going to be that better day
and in the morning I'll remember you, sideways.
Sideways”

“PLAY SAFETY DANCE!”

MILLION DOLLAR BABY ~ wait, is this the next sequel in the Babe the Pig movie series? What’s that crazy pig done this time in order to get nominated for 'Best Picture' again? Moved to Beverley Hills with Arnold Ziffle?

THE AVIATOR ~ I do know already, in fact, that this movie stars Leonardo DiCaprio. So that automatically rules it out for any further serious consideration from me. Over my dead body will I ever acknowledge any film starring Leonardo DiCaprio as the leading role! How can anybody take this guy seriously? Gilbert should have left his retarded ass up in that tree a long time ago and saved us from the future evil that would later spawn. It's too bad Leo's ass didn't actually go down with the ship in Titanic.

FINDING NEVERLAND ~ they’re kidding us here, right? This has to be a joke! Has the likes of ‘Michael “Freakshow” Jackson managed to even infiltrate and affect the staunch Academy this year as well? From what I’ve heard of the things that go on at Neverland, the only thing that I am going to want to find in this movie is the nearest prosecuting attorney.

RAY ~ Ray who? Please tell me this doesn’t have anything to do with Ray Romano! For the love of God, please tell me that everyone does NOT in fact love Ray! I may have to spend the rest of the evening drilling holes into my skull to exorcize the demons if I have to sit through even 3 minutes of this whiney bastard waffling on to the Academy about his wife, kids, sports, and scratching his jewels in the morning. Hell, it’d be moments like that that would sway me to believe that Elvis was right to shoot at televisions.

So, whioch movie is going to win tonight? Who gives a shit! I couldn't give a rats ass at this point. I’m going to make a bowl of popcorn, turn off my brain, and get lost in a good J-Lo movie. By the time my tear ducts have dried up, and my senses return to normal, all this Academy Award nonsense will be all over and have passed for another year.