Friday, April 22, 2005

Fat People of the World - REJOICE!

I have good news for all my tubby brothers and sisters of planet Earth – the rest of you annoying beautiful people pay no mind – our love handles are not in vain! That’s right, stock up on your Hostess Twinkies and Ring-Ding’s because government officials are now announcing that packing on the pounds is not nearly as deadly as everybody originally thought.

Not since scientists announced that wacking off could actually help prevent prostate cancer has there been such a miraculous herald to the world.

Is that the sound of angels singing I hear?

Remember when Freddie Mercury asked us who wanted to live forever? Well, be proud and raise your arms my fellow lard asses, and then dip them back into your greasy bucket of KFC – BECAUSE WE’RE GOING TO LIVE TO FOREVER!

I can almost hear the stocks in McDonalds Inc. spring up like tulips in April!

According to a new calculation by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), modestly overweight people were found to have a lower risk of death than those of normal weight.


Goodbye fad diets; hello Poptarts!

The CDC reported that obesity accounts for 25,814 deaths a year in the United States. As recently as this past January, the CDC came up with an estimate 14 times higher: 365,000 deaths. Oops! How do you make an error in calculation that far out of wack, unless those low-card, low-sodium, low-fat, low-taste bran muffins they’re feeding their lab statisticians in the morning aren’t supplying enough of the required amounts of vitamins and minerals to make their brains capable of these simple tasks and configurations?

It almost sounds to me that there has been some kind of conspiracy to keep us Two-Ton Tony’s from ever truly feeling secure about our bodies. Well, in your face health freaks!

According to the new calculation, obesity ranks No. 7 instead of No. 2 among the leading preventable causes of death.


Our day of reckoning has come and all us chunky bastards can finally have our day in the sun, shamelessly expose all our man boobs and cellulite Jell-o thighs, and just rejoice over all things deep-fried and fattening.

Life is beautiful indeed!

This new analysis found that obesity – being extremely overweight – is indisputably lethal. But like several recent smaller studies have shown, people who are only modestly overweight have a lower risk of death than those of normal weight. So these studies seem to indicate that what we deem as “normal” body size may, in fact, be set too low for today’s populations.

Now, apart from those REALLY fat motherfuckers who must really and truly not give a shit about their bodies or dignity, this is like discovering the Fountain of Youth!

It's like the sacred "Magna-Cupcake" for those of us pudgy people who are just a little below the normal accepted standards associated with being “fit”. Suddenly, it’s actually a health benefit to have the type of chest that you could eat soup off of. I HAVE BEEN BORN AGAIN!

Also, the study found that people classified as overweight are eating better than they used to. That should have been obvious to those in the medical science field automatically. Just compare the available meal options on any regular restaurant menu to the “Healthy Lifestyles” options provided. The proof is in the rich steaming piles of mashed potatoes and gravy. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that the person working their way through a rack of BBQ ribs is eating better and exorcizing his bodily functions better than the person eating the all-organic tree bark platter on a bed of fresh-cut grass.

There is a reason why we humans outlive groundhogs and other natural herbivores – we eat better!

A giant sea turtle doesn’t manage to exist for a hundred plus years without developing a little tolerance for pollution and plastic beverage rings. Likewise, we overweight citizens have trained and conditioned out chunky bodies to better endure all the necessary delicious crap that we crave constantly, not only to keep us alive, but to prevent our voluptuous asses from falling victim to Natural Selection too soon in the game of life!

Let the skinny Healthzoids have their Bataan Death Marches at 6:30AM; I’ll take my Triumvirate of Egg McMuffins in bed, thank you very much!

Last year, a CDC study listed the leading causes of preventable death in order as tobacco; poor diet and inactivity, leading to excess weight; alcohol; germs; toxins and pollutants; car crashes; guns; risky sexual behavior; and illicit drugs. So, this new study now puts us behind poor drivers and dopers.


Last year, the CDC issued a study that attributed 400,000 deaths a year to mostly weight-related causes and even said that excess weight would soon overtake tobacco as the top U.S. killer.

After scientists inside and outside the agency questioned the figure, the CDC admitted to making a calculation error* and lowered its estimate three months ago to 365,000. The new study attributes 111,909 deaths to obesity, but then subtracts the benefits of being modestly overweight, and therefore arrives at the 25,814 figure.

Even despite this confession of a glaring miscalculation, CDC Director Dr. Juice Gerberding said that because of the surrounding uncertainty in calculating the health effects of being overweight, the CDC is not going to use the new figure of 25,814 in its public awareness campaigns. And its not going to scale down its fight against obesity.


That almost sounds like the CDC is intentionally targeting us modestly overweight people for some kind of anti-fat propaganda. What about the addicts, the alcoholics, and the perverts? Are they not worthy of more campaign focus now in light of the fact that we modestly overweight people are so uber-healthy now? What’s wrong with a few extra malomars when there are drunken junkies out there having unprotected sex?

Won’t somebody PU-LEASE think of the fat people?

For years, the government has spent billions fighting obesity and publicizing the message that two out of three American adults are overweight or obese, and at higher risk for heart disease, arthritis and diabetes**. So why not allow us chubby-bodied the opportunity to revel in our rolls of protective fat, that circumnavigate our bodies like rings around a planet.


By all means, continue to target all those grossly obese motherfuckers, and pick them off like grazing Buffalo from a passing train for all I care, just leave us pleasantly plump people alone!

These two studies have raised questions about what definitions to use for obesity and “where to draw the line”.

Personally, I feel that you should consider yourself dangerously obese if you can outrun, say, a Mars bar – but I can see how that may be somewhat of a gray area analytically. The tried-and-true method that I use to keep my own modestly overweight frame from expanding too readably into the realms of Orca the Whale is, as long as I can still continue to see my penis past my stomach when I look down with my back straight – I’m fine!

The moment that my pink fleshy member fades behind my rolls of body fat like a setting sun against a rotund horizon – I’ve crossed over into obesity and will once again have to take a rain check on that second helping of pudding.

It’s not much of a scientific calculation process – but it keeps me honest.

* Which may, or may not, have something to do with a shitty tasting bran muffin.

** Which is on the rise among people of all weight categories anyways.


Blogger Funk Master said...

Listen and spread the word!!!!


4:45 PM  
Blogger Wandering Coyote said...

I saw on the CBC last night that the woman who allegedly found the finger in her chili at the California Wendy's has been charged with mischief! It was an elaborate hoax all along!

Sorry to burst your bubble, but that was a terrific post anyways; I nearly pissed myself laughing.

5:53 AM  
Blogger crazytigerrabbitman said...

Hey Tiago, thanks for the carefully crafted constructive commentary. What am I - the side of a bus or something?

2:37 PM  

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