Friday, April 01, 2005

My One-Way Ticket to Hell

(Written, on what may very well be, the threshold of Pope John Paul’s last few moments in this lifetime. It was only intended as a means of avoiding the never-ending update broadcast drudgery currently being aired on television, by venting here instead.)

I had just gotten home, switched on the television in order to catch an update on the Pope's condition, and I was instantly blasted back into the Jurassic period by the sheer impact of the pertaining media bruahaha that lept back through the screen at me. Yep, the whole media circus a la carte has already begun surrounding the impending demise of the 84 year old Pope.

“The gates are open - AND THEY'RE OFF!”

Here we go. The media juggernaught of Popedom still to come is poised above us, ready to fall like a two ton pierogi the moment the good Pope, as the poignant CNN host Richard Quest puts it, “resigns to the ultimate fate?”

Heeeey, that’s a pretty tactful way of saying he’s dying isn’t it, Rich? Clever boy. Thanks for beating around the bush, dipshit. This Richard Quest guy is like an older, gayer, Harry Potter. Here's another gem of a quote from one of his featured updates:

"We will continue to wait for hard facts on the Pope's condition."

Hard facts? You mean hard facts as in a corpse perhaps? What a jackass.

Already the channels are flooded with archival portraits and photos of the Pope John Paul in all his Holy Popeness. At this exact moment, Pope John Paul is in critical condition at the Vatican in Rome and his body is failing rapidly so that he is not expected to live much longer. CNN, being the vultures they are, are continuously broadcasting the entire breaking story as “POPE’S GRAVE CONDITION WORSENING”. How can you get any worse than “grave condition”? That’s sounds pretty friggin’ bad, right? How can you make that even “worse”?

Good April Fools Day joke, CNN. I got it.

You would think that in light of the developing iconic tragedy, that the media mogul powers-that-be would more concentrate on the many earthy feats and miracles that the first Slavic Pope had a hand in creating during his respected papal reign over the 1,1 billion Roman Catholics world round – but, oh no! Instead, it’s all detailed accounts of the Pope’s recent failing bodily organs and functions.

Oh goodie.

Parkinson’s, tachometry’s, fevers, nasal tubes, urinary tract infections, septic shocks – oh my! I bet that the Depends Company owns huge stock shares in the Catholic Church by now. Honestly, too much information! That sounds like the featured broadcast in Hell. I don’t need to know that much personal information on anybody, much the less the human earthly embodiment of God himself.

The Vatican officials are releasing statements that the Pope is in a "lucid and serene state". They are even going so far as to say: “Soon, Jesus will open heaven’s gates to John Paul. He already sees and touches God”, and here I’m stuck listening to statistical medical reports on his urinary tract infection. WTF?

Interesting to note however, is that CNN is also reporting that if the Pope somehow manages to hold on in the days ahead, “that he would be likely prescribed a recommended treatment of narcotics.”

Cool!

The Pope smokes dope, dude!

(My apologies for my dubious blasphemy – there will be a public stoning held next Friday in the square.)

2 Comments:

Blogger moofruot said...

I fucking hate CNN. They ARE vulturous bastards. The stupidest thing is the "Breaking News" logo at the bottom of the screen, that ALWAYS kills me - is it still breaking news after like over 20 hours of air time?!? Or do we all live in boxes or something and need to be reminded that he's dying? Once that 24-hour news cycle got adopted, it all went to hell, and it's all about each news station "keeping up with the jones'", so to speak. Just tell me when he's dead and stop with the ongoing coverage of every failing organ and details on his bodily functions... guh.

3:59 AM  
Blogger Kimmy said...

You forgot to mention that the Pope even had a feeding tube.. the Shaivo craze continues ;)

6:43 PM  

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