Saturday, May 29, 2004

The Secrets to Dieting Revealed

Over the last few months, I have been experimenting with several different methods of weight loss programs, diets, regiments, routines, etc. All ending with the same results: FAT!

I have binged on grapefruits, gotten sweaty with Richard Simmons and his Merry Multi-Colored Headband of Senior Citizen Oompa Loompa's on 'Sweatin' with the Oldies Vol.4', crunched abs with Chuck Norris, and have successfully participated in TWO charity marathons: "The Run for the Pudding", and "2003 Masturbate For Life Marathon". In fact, I was currently considering launching headlong into my next full on frontal assault on effective weight loss and weight management: the "Gouge Out Your Eyes Diet". You can't eat what you can't see, am I right?! But alas, the reports haven't gotten back from the lab yet so this program is still currently 'on the shelf' with the rest of the Malomars.

Today, in a flurry of natchos and Extra Spicy Cheese Whiz Salsa Dip, it hit me like a sack of wet Krispy Kremes...the SECRET TO SUCCESS AT DIETING! At last! And it was under my nose all along. The most basic of all psychological premisses. POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT!!

That's right, good old fashioned positive reinforcement! Reward yourself as the good healthy Pavlov's dog that you are. Treat yourself for all those extra daily excercise efforts and agonizing dietary restrictions by showing yourself how much you really respect your body and what you are trying to do for it. Why suffer needlessly? Sure, "No Pain No Gain", right? Well, next time think about this: "All Work And No Pudding Make Terry Crazy"...dig?

When next you walk two blocks to the corner store for smokes and porn instead of driving in your car ~ reward yourself with a large bag of Cheeto's and a can of vanilla frosting for dipping! Hey, you deserve it! When next you roll yourself off the couch to pee between commercial breaks instead of holding it till the very end cause the bathroom is ALL the way down the hall ~ reward yourself with some chocolate fondue on the way back! Now, who wouldn't get motivated to exercise more with the new and improved POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT program of dieting?

Other such noteworthy successful diet regiments for consideration include the "Stitch Your Lips Closed Diet", and the "Phineus Fat Burning Program" where two mythical harpies from the underworld are enlisted to forever plague and torment you by constantly stealing your food and leaving behind only foul-smelling and unpalatable scraps. Hey, desperate times call for desperate measures!


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