Thursday, March 31, 2005

In Search of the "Seaticus Odorous Inhalus"

I have recently been alerted to the possible existance of a new mythical breed of office degenerate that may already be walking among us; existing only in our hushed whispers like a unique form of an urban office place legend similar to that of vampires, unicorns, sasquatches, yeti, Ogopogo, or people who actually enjoy their jobs – only more sinister and ghastly.

This neo-mythical office creature is only known as “The Seat Sniffer” - or ‘Seaticus Odorous Inhalus’.

I have only once happened to catch a glimpse of such a beast, the likes of which wasn’t known to me at the time, but it was only a fleeting glimpse from a distance as they were stooped over an office desk chair as if they were attempting to vacuum up the entire chair into their nostrils. It was akin to having spotted a mysterious shadowy figure dart across the road in your headlights ahead of you as you round a bend late at night. One moment it’s there – and the next it’s gone leaving you wondering what the fuck it was exactly that you just witnessed. You could barely make out its form, but yet you were very aware of its presence nonetheless. It’s like being in a reenactment scene right out of ‘Unsolved Mysteries’.

Apparently, I am not the only one who has had the unfortunate experience of spotting this peculiar office place entity, and we are growing in numbers to rival those victims of alien abduction gang probings. Soon we’ll all be able to have our regularly scheduled support group meetings for those of us still traumatized by our sightings.

“First, there was a bright light, and then a shadowy figure appeared out of nowhere and I couldn’t make out his face. It knelt down carefully over an available desk chair and proceeded to sniff the seat cushion before disappearing again as quickly as it had appeared.”

What motivates this kind of bizarre character? I’ve heard of some pretty sick shit going down at the office place in my tenure here at Corporate Hell – but this takes the fucking urinal cake! What possible satisfaction could one gain from sniffing the seat cushions of fellow employees? Shit, I can even better understand the office bathroom masturbator or the diabolical Demon Lady than I can of the kind of person who enjoys getting their rocks off indulging in the stale fecal stink left behind by their fellow co-workers. That’s a bouquet that I can fucking do without, thank you very much!

Considering some of the massive spatial ass girths that inhabit the desk chairs of this particular place of business, and what must pass through them from time to time – sniffing these trapped bodily vapors must be like inhaling a lungful of deadly Zyklon-B gas.

I can only imagine that the mysterious seat sniffer is achieving some sort of ultimate buzz by sniffing the trapped farts and fecal stains left behind in the cushions of empty desk chairs of co-workers who are away from their desks on coffee breaks - it just screams "junkie". Perhaps they are getting so high that they are hallucinating falling through their computer monitors into the magical land of Narnia where they spend the rest of their shift having tea with fawns and chowing down on enchanted Turkish Delight instead of the usual gamut of daily office paperwork.

I wonder if they are sustaining any permanent brain damage from indulging in this bizarre office place perversity? I can’t imagine that sniffing seats would be too healthy a practice – they must resemble strung out hobo’s in a back alley reeling after inhaling too many fumes from a tube of contact cement. By the time they manage to return back to their desks after secretly partaking in their uber-kinky seat sniffing fetish, their eyes would be glazed over like boiled eggs and they would be mumbling to themselves something about "that being good shit".

If sightings of ‘Seaticus Odorous Inhalus’ continue to be reported, there will soon be profile sketches to follow, being handed out as office memo’s by management, warning employees to the possible presence of this office place pervert lurking among us incognito.

Imagine the waves that would be caused in the field of Corporate Zoology if one of these elusive seat sniffers were ever to be captured and exposed to the rest of the office? Human Resources would have a field day! Imagine the statements from co-workers during the feedback portions of Team Meetings:

“Michael was a shy, quiet employee who always minded his own business. He was great at his job and never complained – but sometimes he had that far away look in his eyes and had a peculiar habit of referring to his computer as “Mr. Tumnus”. Still, he never bothered anyone and I liked him well enough. I just can’t believe that he was sniffing my seat whn my back was turned. You hear about these kinds of people, but you never expect them to be sitting beside you!”


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi,we were looking up the meaning of seat sniffer on the internet and you've basically covered it, cheers!

3:09 PM  

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