Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Mining for Planetary Poontang

And in some real ground breaking news, scientists funded by Japan’s Ministry of Education, Culture, Science, and Technology, said this week that they had drilled into the lower section of the Earth’s crust for the first time and were poised to break through to the mantle in coming years.

WTF? Do they really think that’s such a good idea?

Are they trying to locate Godzilla or maybe evidence that the ‘Land That Time Forgot’ really does in fact exist. What gives?

The Integrated Ocean Drilling Program (IODP) seeks the elusive “Moho”, a boundary formally known as the Mohorovicic discontinuity. It marks the division between the brittle outer crust and the hotter, softer mantle – kind of like Wilfred Brimley’s underpants.

Now here’s an expedition that I would want no fucking part of! This isn’t a Black & Decker fixer-uper we’re talking about here; this is puncturing the center of the Earth!

The depth of the Moho varies. This latest effort, which drilled 4,644ft below the ocean seafloor, appears to have been 1,000ft off to the side of where it needed to be to pierce the Moho, according to one reading of the seismic data used to map the crusts varying thickness. The new hole, which took nearly eight weeks to drill, is the third deepest ever made.

Pardon?

What’s fucking deeper than drilling into the Earths core? Or are they referring to the holes to China dug on occasion by Wile E. Coyote and Roadrunner in the old Looney Tunes? I wonder if some geologists were sitting around stoned after a few bubblers and were watching Looney Tunes, and thus conceived the miraculous concept of tunneling to China?

IT WAS A FUCKING CARTOON! “Beepbeep” – bitch!

It’s kind of like poking an active beehive with a sharp stick – only this beehive is full of molten fucking lava, brimstone, and more poisonous nastiness to bring down every living thing on the face of the Earth! It’s a veritable Devil’s cauldron that Satan himself would love to spend his summer vacation.

I would say that drilling into the Earths center may not be the most ingenious brainchild ever conceived by mankind. If this were ever to cause any disastrous repercussions, like say an earthquake, volcanic eruption, giant tsunami, or any other number of natural catastrophes of significant Biblical proportions – something that makes the Book of Revelations seem like a children’s bedtime story, what would we do?

It’s not like we can just plug up a hole of that magnitude with a huge rubber stopper is it?

The purpose of the drilling is to provide important clues on how ocean crust forms. Already the rock collection brought back to the surface is providing new information about the planets composition.

Umm, you mean like, “composition” as in rocks, maybe?

Great, there’s another billion dollars spent.

These recovered rock samples show that conventional interpretations of the Earth’s evolution are “oversimplifying many of the features of the ocean’s crust”, said expedition leader Jay Miller of Texas A&M University.

Hey, dipshit. How do you “oversimplify” rocks exactly? THEY’RE ROCKS! They’re pretty fucking simple already, wouldn’t you say?

The latest drilling was done at the Atlantis Massif, located at the intersection of the Mid-Atlantic Ridge and the Atlantis fracture zone, two plates of the planets broken crust. At the moment, it is trying to be determined whether drilling should be continued on his hole and just deepen it, or whether a whole other new hole should be drilled elsewhere instead.

Wait? How many more holes do we need to be drilling into the Earth’s core anyways? Isn’t one hole enough?

Doesn’t anybody else feel that perhaps we shouldn’t be treating our precious Gaia like some twenty-dollar whore and repeatedly pierce her like some sort of discount piñata! The least we could be doing for her is giving her the ‘ol reach-around.

Mankind is the very embodiment of the obnoxious unwelcome gate-rasher who just won’t leave. We’ve busted the window, filled the place with foul smelly foreign cigarette smoke, set the lawn on fire, killed the pets, pissed in the pool, and now thinks he’s going to fuck you like you’ve never been fucked before, baby!

I wonder how we ever managed to survive the few thousand years that we have been here in the first place? We have this inherited mentality, where if we can’t fuck it – we kill it. This whole drilling to the center of the Earth fiasco is just mankind’s ultimate way of getting himself some global-sized poontang.

2 Comments:

Blogger MPH said...

I think we're just asking for a "Land of Lost" situation.

5:32 PM  
Anonymous Iskander said...

The russians drilled a deeper hole to obtain a core sample,but it was too soft to extract

9:15 AM  

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