Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Penal Testimony

There are so many old tattered magazines at work that I’m afraid that one day I’m going to be buried alive under the massive weight of thousands of old copies of Vogue, Flare, In Touch, and every other useless woman’s fashion gossip rag you can think of.

Not that being buried alive under an avalanche of glossy pictures of semi-nude supermodels is a bad thing necessarily; it’s just that I had more of a “victim of bong-related injury” way of punching out in mind.

This was how I came to stumble across the most recent May 2005 edition of Cosmopolitan magazine today. It was more a result of trying to ebb back this enormous tide of Hollywood fluff that I happened to stumble across an article entitled: “The Right Way to Touch a Naked Man”.

To my shock, this Cosmo article listed about twenty-some odd recommended touching techniques that all directly revolved around the penis. It was all “stroke this”, “lick that”, kiss here”, fondle there”, etc, etc.

Umm, hello? Women do know that there are more parts to a naked man’s body than just an erect penis, right?

No don’t get me wrong, the male penis is an integral part of any naked man’s physical body composition, but there are other perfectly nice parts of the mans body that are also worthy of stimulation too – thank you very much!

Does Cosmopolitan really believe that men are really this shallow and easy to please? Well, okay - maybe we are. In fact, most of us could achieve orgasm in a stiff breeze; but still, variety is the spice of life! Some of us like to be wooed too.

Why is it that if I so much as ever gaze upon a woman’s bosom for one second too long, I’m immediately labeled as a one-track-minded letch? So how is this Cosmo article any different?

Why is it always about the dick?

Now this is not an open invite to begin inserting things up my ass either. But I think if “How to Touch a Naked Man” is indeed going to the topic, I’d like to bring some other particular “hot spots” to light as well.

Whatever happened to cuddling, bitch?

It seems to me that there is a lot of focus from our female counterparts in order o learn and familiarize ourselves with the complex sexual workings of the female body – and there are more than enough informative, educational articles available for us to resource our learning with. Shit, wives and girlfriends would enroll us in night courses if they had the chance!

So why then are women so primarily obsessed with only the cock? Thats totally limiting your options on an otherwise hot buffet of steaming man beef.

Why aren’t women being provided with adequate educational resource material of the likes being provided for us guys? It’s not hard to figure out how to jerk off a boyfriend under the duvee, is it? I’d say that comes pretty naturally. The “rapid up and down motion” is almost a given, so why not peel back the onion a little further girls?

Isn’t it kind of hypocritical to expect us dudes to have a complete PhD in Chickology, yet women are apparently allowed to get by on a simple General Arts credit? Men are just as complex a creature as any woman, albeit a little easier to please.

If the best sex advise currently being offered to women is “flick the tip”, “treats his jewels gingerly”, and “rougher touch on his shaft”, then I could expect a great blowjob from just about half the animals on planet Earth.

What do I need her for?

C’mon girls. There’s more to a naked man’s body than his penis! If you’re going to limit yourself to this area solely, than I’m going to resort to only tweeking your nipples and spanking your ass like all the simian-like male porn stars I’ve seen in the videos.

Of course, if that were ever to happen, then I’d immediately be labeled as the one who was lousy in bed because I’m still obligated to be a certified master of pussy manipulation – not the other way around. She just has to be there, and be able to finish him off manually. Simple.

How unfair is that? For shame, girls - for shame!

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