Friday, May 28, 2004

The Cult of McDonald's

I am currently successful in having abstained from eating McDonald's for a WHOLE TWO MONTHS! Other co-workers and friends of mine will make the pilgrimage to McDick's at least once a week on their lunch breaks to fulfill their quota of grease and chloresterol needed to meet their normal requirement of 'Vitamin Shit' in their diets.

Over and above the fact that billions of acres of rain forest are destroyed to feed the cattle (which I would expect contributes to the texture and taste of all the McDonald's hamburgers; otherwise, the cattle are instead grazing on Styrofoam packing chips), is the fact that the quality of service would be best compared to being waited on by students from the 'Helen Keller Institute for the Deaf and Dumb'. Or the fact that you are more likely to find more hygienic conditions at a Calcutta leprosy Colony. Why then is the lineup to dine at McDonald's qued up into the next millennium?

I think it's because people don't actually go to McDonald's necessarily to dine on the fine fast food cuisine (although I have considered the notion that they are actually lacing their food products with crack to keep us all indefinitely hooked, and all the while producing new future generations of dedicated McDonald's crack babies), or to be served by the enigmatic "Employee of the Month" (for whom, being the 'Cream of the Shit' no doubt has it's own rewards) whose triumphant picture hangs on the wall, yet whose presence is almost always noticeably absent from behind the counter. No, they go for the pure surreality of visiting a McDonald's restaurant (as well as for the crack-laced noshes, of course).

The place is like visiting Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Even the red and yellow striped employee's uniforms are not so dissimilar in style to the enslaved Oompa-Loompa's as well). The whole McDonald's commercial advertising juggernaught must be loosely based on some freakishly bizarre Scottish Circus cult or something. What else could explain the bizarre cabaret of mascot characters that could rival the 'Circus du Soleil'? I mean, how the fuck would you describe Grimace to someone who may have been living in a cultural vacuum for the last 50 years? He looks like something that has been brewing in someone's gastronomic system, only mere hours after ingesting any one of McDicks's Extra-Value Meals! Most certainly, he was named after the strained grunts of agony you make when you squeeze out one of these gastro-suprises even later. And what's with the teeny Tyrannosaurus Rex arms on his otherwise rotund body, Whom is no doubt modeled after one of your regular average McDonald's fast food patrons I expect. There is also the train of perverted thought that identifies Grimace as looking more like a butt plug than a steaming dunker! Why, he couldn't even bring a McDonald's burger to his lips if he wanted to, for fuck sakes! Likewise, how about the Hamburglar? Is that some kind of fucked up 'Phantom of the Opera' getup or what? How does he NOT have the kids pissing in their Osh Kosh By-Gosh's in perpetual fear during any one of his in-store children's birthday party appearances?

Sadly, McDonald's has evolved into a religion unto it's very own, demanding nothing short of pure allegiance and devout commitment from it's regular patrons.

"Our Father, who art in heaven,
Hallowed by thy Arches.
Thy seconds come.
Thy burgers will be done,
Under the heat lamp as it is in heaven.
And forgive us our coupons,
As we forgive those who coupon against us.
Give us this day our daily cheeseburger,
And deliver us from obesity.
For thine is the kindgom,
and the power,
and the salty,
for ever and ever...


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