Thursday, March 10, 2005

The Devil's DVD

I now suspect that there is an evil presence dwelling in my once happy bachelor pad these days. I’m not sure why it came here exactly, nor at what juncture in time that it began to seize control of my appliances exactly; but it is most definitely here!

Just after Christmas, I decided to breach my usual contempt for all things modern by purchasing one of them new-fangled DVD player thingees* so that I could watch something besides my old worn VHS copy of 'Heat'. With thoughts of new releases (it should be noted that anything released to stores within the last five years I consider to be a “new release”) dancing through my head, I dove headfirst into the waters of technological Verboten.

What a fucking mistake! It was like inviting Lucifer himself over to watch movies.

At first, when I had managed to wrestle the contraption from its packaging and successfully untangle myself from the miles of connecting cables that washed out from the box onto the floor like a big spilled plate of spaghetti, I was delighted to be greeted with a warm, welcome “HELLO” being invitingly displayed across the front of this new mechanical Chicklet sitting atop my television.


Now only three short months later, this Devil’s DVD player has only brought pure evil into my previously undisturbed kingdom. The first clue should have been the fact that my cat launched himself under the bed when I first brought it through the door; and perhaps that it had no reflection in the hallway mirror either. But hey, hindsight is 20-20.

Now, I’m almost scared to turn it on! When I do manage to build up the courage (usually after hours of prayer and chanting like a Gregorian monk), instead of it’s once innocent greeting now reads “HELL” and flashes like a digital doomsday device before going on to further display me a whole multitude of complicated user options that I neither understand nor use beyond “Play” and “Stop”.


I am near the point of contacting a Catholic priest to exorcize the demons that have apparently assumed control of my DVD player before they conspire with the microwave to take control of the entire apartment and beam it directly into the ninth level of Dante’s Inferno! I am afraid that if I allow this evil to continue growing unchecked, it will soon take control of me as well!

Before you know it, it’ll be sending me further, more sinister, instructions on its digital display to “KILL”, “MAIM”, “DESTROY”, or “SNACKING AFTER MIDNIGHT IS GOOD FOR YOU”. I’ll be under its total control! My landlord will burst in the door one day after not seeing or hearing from me for months on end and find me rolling on the floor in a pool of ketchup and watching ‘The Devine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood”.

But then again, there is no denying that part of me already says: “GO FOR IT!” Light some fires, trace the Pentagram on the living room floor, hump the cat, don some horns, and totally get your Satanic freak on!

* Previously, I had assumed that DVD stood for "Damn Vacuous Device!" Now, I just plain have no fucking idea.


Blogger MPH said...

DVD's and Tivo are actually the only things I think are heaven blessed. Therefore, it disturbs me that you have a satanic DVD in your possession. I have sent the kids fromn "Eerie, Indiana" and the gang from "Friday the Thirteenth: The Series" to look into the matter. Be strong, we'll figure this out.

8:25 PM  
Blogger crazytigerrabbitman said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

10:31 PM  
Blogger crazytigerrabbitman said...

Thank you kindly. And just in time too, this midget Poltergeist chick is starting to give me dirty looks. What? I'm NOT allowed to channel surf? Who wants to watch static on the television for 12 hours a day? I was just looking to see if 'Monster Garage' was on...I didn't know she was trying to contact the "other side".

10:32 PM  

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