Monday, March 07, 2005

Worst - Job - Ever!

Stop the presses!

While browsing some other blogs over the weekend, I happened to stumble upon a post advertising for an available position for hire that might just be more infinitely miserable and loathsome than that of my own current employment. This job listing was for that of an “STD Intake Claim Analyst”.

How icky is that?

If given the choice, I think I’d rather take my chances and apply for the available position of “Tour Fluffer” on the new Judas Priest reunion tour! I wonder who would consider applying for a grizzly job such as this? I’d have to be situated pretty far down the evolutionary ladder and have gone quite a long time between meals before I would even be moved to submit my resume for consideration for a position such as this.

The job responsibilities, as detailed by this posting, are to:

“Provide excellent customer service to employee’s and employer’s who are initiating new disability claims via telephone and imaging”.

Pardon? Apart from the obvious extreme gag-value of knowing, in intimate detail, which of your co-workers and clients are currently suffering from crotch rot, crusty cooch, or drippy dick, would be the fact that you would be further required to detail their submitted claim with “imaging”. Wouldn't it be bad enough already that you would have to listen to all the gory details on what kind discharges that a particular client’s genitals are emitting, much less have to document this same uber-nastiness in a photo as well? FUCKING GROSS! Those are details that I would be much fucking happier NOT witnessing thank you very fucking much. Imagine the creepy-crawlies you’d experience after retrieving that fax!

The position also requires applicants to have prior “skill or experience requirements”. Huh? What kind of “skill or experience” would a “STD Intake Claims Analyst” need exactly? I would think that one does no necessarily have had to suffer from syphilis or herpes simplex-B in order to fill out a claims form, would they?

Other requirements detailed for this job posting includes:

“Effective verbal and written communication skills. Projection of a positive, willing attitude and the ability to be an active listener. Ability to be a team player and work cooperatively with others.”

Now considering the nature of the position indicated, I can understand the need for effective communication skills of course, as I can for the relaying of a positive attitude (they are suffering from a STD after all, I think a little positivity and understanding would be very much appreciated), but I’m not so fucking sure that I’m going to want to work too closely or cooperatively with other team members, or anyone fucking else for that matter lest I should contract something contagious and my dick suddenly begins to erode and falls off! No-fucking-thanks!

Also, applicants should be able to:

“Adapt at handling multiple assignments and responsibilities simultaneously, while meeting tight deadlines. Works cooperatively and effectively in a team setting and establishes positive cross-functional relationships. ”

Umm, pardon my ignorance, but considering that these are reported STD claims specifically, wouldn’t “multiple assignments” be more discouraged instead? After all, perhaps if the clients were focusing on one task at a time in the first place, they probably would have remembered to wrap their meat and wouldn’t be in the predicament that they find themselves in now. I would think that, maybe, these are the types of simpletons you really don't want to confuse matters with; they need Dr. Ruth, not a multi-tasking claims analyst! Likewise, I'm not going to be too overly enthusiastic about establishing a positive, negative, or any other kind of relationship whatso-fucking-ever unless they have either an immediate blood test, or are encased in an air-tight contamination suit before I even begin to assist them.

Call me crazy!


Blogger MPH said...

Obviously most employees must be crack whores. I am sure they got enough on the job experience.

9:24 PM  
Blogger Claudia said...

After a little research I discovered STD stands for Short Term Disability, although I can see how someone with a one-track mind :) could misinterpret it or were you just trying to be funny?

9:21 PM  

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