Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Cutting Below the Belt

Holy shit, there is another reported case of some embittered woman lopping off her mans wee wee in the night. Is this becoming all the rage or something among neurotic and unbalanced women?

This time, in Anchorage, AL, a woman upset about an impending breakup with her boyfriend cut off the man’s penis and flushed it down the toilet. Utility workers were able to recover the severed member, and surgeons reattached it. Pardon? Hold the presses! They did WHAT? Man, that’s sure going to leave some serious repressed memories, eh? What guy wouldn’t be a little self-conscious about his bruised manhood afterwards once it had been snipped off, flushed, and recovered from a cesspool of human waste deep in the city’s sewer system? Shit, I wouldn’t be reattached anything knowing that’s where it came from! I’d rather have a kitchen spatula surgically attached in lieu of my old recovered stinky dinky. Imagine coming to after that surgery:

“Congratulations, Mr. Nash! You’re very lucky. We were able to find your severed penis floating in a pool of toxic waste and shit, and once we wrestled it away from the sewer rats, we were able to reattach it for you.”

Fuck me! Just give the prostheses, Doc!

Kim Tran, 35, was charged with first-degree assault, domestic violence, and tampering with evidence. “Tampering with evidence”? Is that what the courts are calling being a psychotic bitch these days in Alaska?

I really only have other question regarding this matter: How ever do these poor unfortunate men allow their women to cut off their schlongs so unawares anyways? I know if ANYTHING, or ANYONE, even passes within two feet of my penis, especially those of the female gender, I’m going to instantly know about it! If a squirrel even so much as twitches outside, I'm going to know about it. Even if a small draft managed to blow across my crotch in the middle of the night, I’m going to know about it! If some crazy fucking psycho bitch swinging a machete tries to chop off Mr. Happy, I'm sure as fuck going to know about it! All the bells and whistles would go off inside my penis like the tripped security alarm system during a botched burglary attempt. There is NO WAY any woman would ever be able to get anywhere near my beloved manhood without me knowing; much less with a pair of gardening shears. Even if I was half looped up on half a bottle of sleeping pills, I think I’d still manage to be consciously alerted to the presence of any dangerously disturbed women yielding any butchers knives!

Call it “Male Intuition”.

What kind of a complete coma patient would ever allow his johnson to be severed unwittingly while he sleeps or watches Bay Watch on TV or something anyways? This oblivious dumbass is the kind of person who must deserve to loose his pecker in the first place! It’d only be nature’s way of weeding out the weakest and stupidest of the male species by preventing them from ever successfully procreating. Its Darwinism at it’s most freakishly finest!

I’m not going to feel so sorry for any man who allows his girlfriend (or wife, or whatever) to hack through his knob successfully before they he is even able to put up anything of a fight. I'd think it would pretty hard (no pun intended) NOT to wake a guy up when you’re trying to saw through his penis with a bread knife, wouldn’t you say?

“Good riddance, Eunuch Boy!” I say! Good luck with singing soprano for the Vienna Boy’s Choir.


Blogger greatwhitebear said...

It was in alaska...probably passed out. Miracle he didn't bleed to death.

Bet when he gets home he spends a lot of time srubbing his little soldier clean. "Dammit, stand at attention when I wash your eye!"

6:03 PM  

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