Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Zen and the Male Art of Bathroom Maintenance

Why do women tease and chastise us men about the personal time that we like to spend in the bathroom sitting on the toilet? What’s the big fucking deal anyways? Don’t women spend eons in the bathroom just getting gussied up in order to run quickly down to the local corner store for a Snickers bar? So why shouldn’t us gentlemen be granted the same luxury bathroom time as well?

Apart from the obvious, pre-generated response that we are just in the bathroom to hide out from our significant others, spend some time alone, spank one out over the new Victoria’s Secret catalogue, or just simply stare complacently at the bathroom tiles on the floor, we men are actually able to achieve a certain state of Zen while emptying our bowels. We achieve total enlightenment and clarity of mind while we’re safely locked in the bathroom; we’re in “The Zone”, so to speak. This is why we reserve this bathroom time for most of our dedicated reading, personal finances, politics, and various philosophical conundrums. That’s not really straining grunts and groans of constipation that women hear from behind that bathroom door; it’s meditative chanting. Isn’t that right guys?

“OHHHHHHHHHHHHHmmmm…!”

I think there has to be some cosmic connection with the bathrooms porcelain fixtures that we experience once our bare ass comes in contact with that toilet seat. Suddenly, things just make more sense, or maybe it’s just that our focus and judgment is more acute without some nagging shrew constantly barking in our ear about spending more time together, whether or not her ass looks fat or not, and whose going to take out the garbage again.

What women don’t realize, and therefore fail to give us men credit for is exactly how many monumental deep thoughts and enlightened theories have been conceived and devised while taking a dump within the safe confines of our bathroom. I’d say that the majority of all significant, life-altering concepts that ever helped to shape our Enlightened age were given birth to while taking advantage of this “quiet time” in the shitter.

It’s a little known fact that Albert Einstein devised theory of relatively while skimming through a copy of Popular Mechanics and squeezing out a healthy deuce and half into his toilet. Sir Isaac Newton stumbled across his theories for the ‘Laws of Gravity’ after noting the time it took for his turd to splashdown in the water beneath his ass. Voltaire scrawled the majority of Candide* on sheets of single-ply toilet paper during a bout of the ‘Taco Shits’. And where else do you think Sigmund Freud conducted most of his phallic psychology experiments?

Shit, I’d bet that if women would only just allow us guys to have more of our undisturbed personal bathroom time with no banging on the door, we would probably be living in a better world. Think what undiscovered concepts, theories, and marvels of science that were on the verge of being hatched before the line of concentration was broken by some annoying woman knocking on the bathroom door and inquiring about what was “going on in there”. There is not a doubt in my mind that we would have had cheaper alternative sources of fuel, improved means of transport, world peace, a solution to end world hunger, and more astute global environmental programs by now! We could have fucking colonized Saturn by now!

Ladies, JUST FUCKING DEAL WITH IT!

Wouldn’t you rather have a more satisfied, happy, and spiritually refreshed man to be with once he has had the opportunity to enjoy and relish in his beloved personal bathroom time? Besides, think how much better in bed we're going to be later on for you once we've worked out that boxed meatloaf from our intestinal tract. Unless I've had the chance to indulge in my mandatory uninterrupted "Me Time" in the bathroom, I would have to insist that all my sexual partners were fully covered with life insurance before we even got down to our birthday suits!

* Which would later become my preferred reading material of choice for those particularly difficult times of constipation. How’s that for “philosophical speculation”?

3 Comments:

Blogger MPH said...

I found myself the other day in deep thought while my ass warmly hugged the porecelain. I was internally debating whether I should have brought the sandwich I was eating at the time that the Taco Bell I had the night before decided it was check out time. I ultimately decided that it was best to leave the sandwich on the table because it gave you something to go back to after the liberating experience. A must in life is to keep the fun going.

9:51 PM  
Blogger crazytigerrabbitman said...

You are very wise.

12:51 AM  
Blogger greatwhitebear said...

I have been divorced for fifteen years, and i still do most of my serious reading/contemplating in the water closet. I can hardly wait to get a wireless connections so i can take the laptop in there!

5:57 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home