Thursday, March 03, 2005

Martha Stewart Leaving

I have spent the last 45mins watching the live CNN updates on Martha Stewart being released from “Camp Cupcake”. Greenbrier Valley Airport in West Virginia was a hive of activity, even at 12:30AM, as reporters and journalists all expectantly buzzed around with television cameras and microphones furiously speculating on Martha’s condition and what the future may have in store for her now.

Some twelve minutes later, and about double that amount in up-to-the-minute "Update Reports" as to the progress of her prison caravan* to and inside the airport, Martha immerges for the first time publicly since being released from her minimum security hell where she served her six month sentence for Insider Trading. The cameras begin to flash with explosions of light, shutters clicking like angry crickets, and finally the chance to answer the big question that CNN feels all us intelligent world conscious media hounds at home are wondering about:

“I wonder what she will be wearing?”

Are you fucking kidding me?

Has CNN gone completely off the fucking wall? Was it such a slow day in the Michael Jackson child molestation trial that they had to waste my time with a half hours coverage of a lone private jet idling on an airport runway in the middle of the night? I thought there was going to be something that would at least be considered somewhat newsworthy! Somehow a favorable review of the blue knitted shawl that the famous arbiter of domestic style wore for the two fucking nano-seconds that she appeared for the cameras and onlookers before boarding into her luxury sky chariot. Shit, she's leaving after her sentance from Alderson Federal Prison "richer, more likeable, and a hotter commodity than when she went in."

My heart just fucking bleeds.

Not a single mention that since being convicted she has managed to reinvent herself as well as profiting handsomely from the experience (her net worth has quadrupled since last summer). Where is the justice exactly? She scrubbed a few floors? Cleaned a few toilets? Shit, maybe if this is just the kind of career move that I should be considering! Now, how does one go about getting arrested? Hmmm....

The more I watched, the angrier I became.

Has the world gone completely fucking mad? Does anybody really care what Martha's ensemble was upon being released from jail?

Surely *I* should have better things to be staying up into the wee hours of the morning for than just to see some fallen celebrity being released from a minimum security prison and speculate over what she might be wearing, or what she was carrying in the box, or perhaps what she has prepared for her onboard snack? Why do we give a shit?

Note to Self: GET A FUCKING LIFE!

Although, you just know Martha wasn’t eating no fucking Spinzell’s!

* You know you have it made, when you have a "caravan" to take you away after being released from prison.

4 Comments:

Blogger MPH said...

I actually think she might be a hotter commodity, but only due to the possiblity that she had a hot, lesbian tryst with a very butch chick while in the slammer.

3:52 PM  
Anonymous shadow said...

Some of thought she was overboard before going to jail.
now....eh , look out.

she will corupt the moral fiber of north amerika.

8:49 PM  
Blogger Allison M. Biele said...

WELL?!?! What was she wearing?!?!!? LOL .. kidding, i'm so glad i don't watch TV, and as it turns out, i don't really have to, i can just read your blogs ;)

6:28 AM  
Blogger Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

I was kind of hoping she'd catch a nice shank in the joint. Oh well. Now I'll have to renew my goddamn subscription to "Martha Stewart Living".

5:53 PM  

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