Saturday, February 26, 2005

The Prophecy Pringle

Grab hold of your credit cards and liposuction hoses, folks, I have found the next miracle food product! Surely the gods have been working overtime lately and speaking volumes, but the recent half eaten grilled cheese sandwich that was auctioned off on Ebay for $1,000,000 before going on a celebrity tour across the nation because it was believed to bear an image that resembled the Virgin Mary, was only a mere road sign to other more important prophetic messages in mind.

I have found the next intended miracle food product send to us by divine forces through means of mass market consumerism. I have discovered THE PROPHECY PRINGLE!

Months ago, I purchased a tin of regular-flavored Pringles chips with new “Fun Facts” printed on each chip. I had figured at the time that the sale price of only $1.89 was a fair price to pay for a basis couch potato’s education while I chowed down on some high calorie monoglycerides in front of the tube. It was an innocent stoned impulse buy, how could I have known what lay inside waiting, or the urgency in which it needed to be discovered!

I has assumed my normal position on the couch last night in front of the boob tube, decided I craved something salty and fattening; and then there it was, outlined clearly in delicious oval dried potatoes and blue dye:

Q: In what area are most of the world’s tsunamis concentrated?
A: Indian Ocean.

If only I had opened this tin of “Fun Fact” Pringles sooner! The Manufacture Date on the tin of chips clearly indicated that this prophecy chip was made late in October of 2004, packaged, and shipped directly to the Proctor & Gamble distribution center in Toronto, Ontario, before ending up in my kitchen cupboard, where it sat for another two months after being purchased in early December; it’s grizzly proclamation unnoticed and unconsumed all the while.

Why did I wait so long to eat my inexpensive Pringles purchase? Clearly I had the “fever for the flavor of Pringles” at the time of its purchase…why didn’t I just eat the chips when I got home like I probably intended? How many lives could have been saved? Hundreds of thousands of deaths could have been avoided if I had only “popped the top” on that Pringles sooner! Here I had the means to reveal and alter the course of tragic history sitting in my cupboard along with my selection of Jiff peanut butter varieties, pyramids of ‘Cup o Needles’, and a Jumbo box of Corn Pops cereal, and I decide to go and develop a taste for raw carrots with low-fat ranch dressing.

DAMN YOU, HEALTHY LIFESTYLES!

I wonder what other prophesies and miracle foodstuffs sent here by the gods are still lying dormant and undiscovered in people’s kitchen cupboards STILL? Maybe the date for the predicted massive earthquake that will hit the California coast is just waiting to be discovered in a box of Alpha-Bits, or maybe the location for the next act of international terrorism is mapped out in the center of an Oreo cookie somewhere. What if the perpetrators of nuclear Armageddon are revealed in the pattern of dots on the surface of a Ritz cracker somewhere, or maybe even simply if the images of the Academy Award winners in the year 2045 have been already sculpted on the individual frozen sticks inside a bag of McCain's Superfries somewhere, just waiting to be discovered?

Until these other divine signs and prophecies from the fates can be purchased and discovered from the shelves of supermarkets and grocery stores everywhere, I will begin by divulging the other possible prophecies that may have been disclosed in this same tin of Pringles chips:

Q: Who is the "King of Pop?
A: Michael Jackson

Q: How were the Hawaiian Islands formed?
A: Volcanos

Q: What did the Mayans beleive was necessary to keep order to the universe?
A: Human Sacrifice

Q: When is Haley's Comet next expected to pass by the earth?
A: 2062

So, in lieu of this missed miraculous Prophecy Pringle, I would like to alert the world now to another prophecy possibility that the Hawaiian Islands will be the setting for a catastrophic disaster in the year 2062. The islands will be destroyed completely and reduced to a pile of ash to be washed away into the Pacific Ocean by the sudden eruptions of active volcanos, UNLESS Michael Jackson is sacrificed in a ritual offering NOW in time to appease the angry gods!

1 Comments:

Blogger RonPopiel said...

This blog has been stamped with the Cap'n Shrimpstain Seal of Approval!

Sincerely,

Cap'n Bosworth J. Shrimpstain
Beverly Hills, California

8:53 PM  

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