Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Injecting Muffins on the Assembly of Line of Life

While choosing my daily snack indulgence from the cafeteria vending machine today, I managed to stumble upon a most wicked sin of nature currently existing in the catering and vending world.

I had decided, in moment of rare weakness, that I would treat myself to something that could be considered somewhat healthy when I happened upon a package of buttered bran muffin staring out invitingly at me from it’s cubby slot behind the clear display window.

How bad could they be? Surely you can’t fuck something up as simple as a bran muffin with butter! How wrong I was.

To my surprise, upon unwrapping the two bran muffins I discovered that neither muffin were sliced in halves and buttered in the way that you would expect them to be traditionally. Instead, both bran muffins were intact and uncut.

“That’s curious”, I thought. “Where’s the butter?”

Low and behold, the butter lay inside the muffins already in a blob of fatty yellow goo. Considering that it would have been impossible to bake the muffins with the butter already inside; how the fuck did they get it in the centers without cutting the muffins in half? What kind of devil’s trickery is this?

I wonder if there some billionaire walking the earth right now fat on the riches from the patents on his incredible muffin buttering technology? I wonder if any of my hard-earned taxpayer’s dollars are going into the funding for this state-of-the-art research into the buttering of vending machine bran muffins without the need for cutting them?

How are they doing it exactly? Do they have a forced labor chain gang of Oompa-Loompa’s working on an assembly line, injecting pats of butter into bran muffins with a syringe somewhere in the basement of the Niagara Caterers food production factory? I hope so, because to consider any other possible method of muffin buttering makes blood squirt out of my ears and leaves me feeling light-headed.

“OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DOO
I'VE GOT A PERFECT MUFFIN PUZZLE FOR YOU
OOMPA LOOMPA, DOOMPADAH DEE
IF YOU ARE WISE YOU'LL TAKE THE ‘OH, HENRY!’ AND FLEE”

What a sad metaphor for the state of the world today when you don't even have to cut your bran muffin in half in order to have butter on it. Call me old-fashioned, but I like my bran muffins sliced so that it can be spread over each side of the muffin evenly. It's just cheating to do otherwise. If I wanted some mutant demon muffin with shit injected into it, I'd hang out in the back alley behind the bakery, thank you very much!

2 Comments:

Blogger MPH said...

I believe you're going up against the gooey center principle. People like gooey centers more than they like their children. If a gooey center can be created then it shall be. Don't fight it, just wrap your lips around it.

2:57 PM  
Blogger Wandering Coyote said...

They probably do use a syringe, as they do with butterball-like turkeys and other things. And it probably isn't even real butter but rather a butter-flavoured substance that might cause cancer. Sad but true...

3:50 PM  

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