Thursday, May 27, 2004

"To meat, or not to meat"

Why is it that vegetarians are so fixated on products that taste like real meat? I mean, if you dislike meat so much and refuse it as part of your regular daily diet, why then would you be so thrilled to order or prepare a vegan food product that tastes "exactly" like it's authentic meat "Veggie Chicken Nuggets", or "Meatless Beef Sausages"? I don't get it. Doesn't that kinda defeat the purpose of being a vegetarian in the first place? Isn't that the vegetarian equivalent of "wanting your potato salad and eat it too?" I'm lost.

I'm sure you would never see a non-vegetarian lineup outside any modern fast food restaurant in order to take advantage of a limited special offer of Beef Burgers that taste like authentic 'Tofu & Sprout Salad", would you? No, of course you wouldn't! Because we noble carnivores eat meat BECAUSE WE LIKE THE TASTE OF MEAT! If I really liked and wanted bean curd, I would most certainly order a 'Bean Curd Platter' from the "Healthy Lifestyles" menu at 'Rancho Vegan'...and if I wanted a friggin' Cheeseburger, I would order a real friggin' quarter pound heart-stopper of pure grilled animal flesh from the meat lovers 'Grilled Carcasses' menu, which features nothing but the finest cuts of animal parts, and using only the shortest allowed leg chain lengths and only the smallest of regulatory confinement cages in the slaughterhouse before processing! "Excuse me, monsieur. This lambchop is a bit chewy, was it kept in a proper regulation cage before butchering? It tastes almost freerange, yuck!"

I do accept the vegetarian notion that there is a place for all God’s creatures upon this earth, but if God has seen fit to make their place beside my mashed potatoes…then who am I to question the grand plan? And don’t try to sell me the ‘ol “I’m protesting the unethical treatment of the animals” angle either. Throw yourself into the cage of a hungry grizzly bear and we’ll see your humane ethics in action then! “Hey big fella…can’t we just be friends?” I refuse to be a fashionable pill popping vegetarian for "health reasons", or whatever (‘Om’ is almost ‘Moo’ spelled backwards afterall!)...and merely eat bland soy and tofu based products that vaguely resemble any of the actual meat bi-products they claim to taste like. Furthermore, I think that all vegetarians who have made the conscious decision to give up on their primitive carnivorous instincts should also automatically forfeit their right to order, prepare, or enjoy ANYTHING whose taste, texture, or smell in ANY way, emulates or resembles actual meat or animal food products...IT'S ALL MINE!! "You like twigs n' leaves so much, then live with them, lettucehead!"

There will be no more 'Vegetarian Pepperoni Pizza's', packages of 'Fakin' Bacon', or 'Veggie Chicken Nuggets' fast food options until they give up their pagan practices and vegan lifestyles and once again enlist as an actual card-carrying member of the evolved 'Carnivore's Club' once again...with all the rights and priviledges resulting in being as such. FAIR IS FAIR!

And don’t even get me going on the Omnivores! Holy shit, you talk about your fence sitters. They can't even make up their own fuckin minds on the subject..."Should I be a vegetarian, or shouldn't I be a vegetarian? To eat meat, or to not eat meat…that is the question.” They're like Morrissey, for God sakes! "So…are ya gay, or arn't ya gay? What are ya exactly, Moz?" You either EAT MEAT, or you DO NOT MEAT. Perhaps, to put it in a language you will understand: "DO, or DO NOT...there is no TRY."


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