Thursday, May 27, 2004

Fast Food Conspiracy

I played hooky from work yesterday in order to get some all important errands done, so a good portion of my afternoon was spent sunning myself outside the Laundromat waiting for my rinse cycle to finish and reading the book I'm currently working through; Eric Schlosser's 'Fast Food Nation'.

It hit me yesterday that I think that there's a bigger conspiracy surrounding Schlosser's book than those that he charges against the fast food industry and it is actually having a reverse influence on me from the initial one that I had first hoped would happen. 'Fast Food Nation' is actually encouraging me to consume more fast food meals than an obese locus in a fully grown farmer's field come harvest time.

I initially began this book with the intent of educating myself on the perils and pitfalls of the accustomed fast food lifestyle and thereby discourage myself from fast food's sweet, sweet, empty calorie clutches. This was going to be my first step forward towards a new healthier lifestyle change. But NO! Instead, I am now drawn to pre-prepared, ready-wrapped food like a moth to light. I involuntarily crave fast food now like a pregnant woman craves pickles and ice cream. You could deep-fry and batter a dog turd, slap it on a bun and call it a "McTurd Burger" and I would happily and gratefully scarf it down with nary a second thought. Hell, I'd probably order a pizza topped with roadkill if it came with free 'cheesy Bread' and a diet soft drink. "...and on that 'Roadkill Lover's Delux' pizza, I'd like squishy squirrel guts, treadmarked skunk testicles, and pulverized possum brains, please...does that come with 'Cheesy Bread'?"

Now, I believe that the major corporate fast food franchises have actually conceived and incorporated subliminal messages into the seemingly anti-establishment rhetoric within the pages of Mr. Schlosser's book to further hook us free-thinking health fanatics from being able to successfully break away from our current prescribed mindset of continued lazy feeding habits and unhealthy menu choices, and lure us back in back into the fast food fold of French Fries, Milkshakes, and Quarterpounders with cheese. To do this, they bait us with our own interests in counter-culture literature and then ply us with their own evil subliminal instructions and turn us into mindless, compliant, and unfetteringly loyal repeat customers. Their mantra's are obvious:

1) "Super Sized" also means "Super Value" as well as "Super Cool".
2) Cheese and Bacon are an important part of daily diet to ensure a long and healthy life.
3) Richard Simmons is the Devil.
4) Salad's are for pussy 'Vegheads'.
5) All red-haired clowns, albino Kentucky colonels, and talking chiahuahua's are devine beings and should be both revered and worshipped unquestioningly as gods.

I can foresee a not-so-distant future where the fast food conglomerates will have expanded their empires to assume complete and utter control over entire continents and territories like political superpowers, and begin to manipulate and designate world affairs according to their own corporate consumer agenda's. Soon, the world's wars will be waged by fast food franchises over who controls the rights to work the lucrative French Fry mines, or over territorial doctrine disputes regarding differing 'Special Sauce' recipes. Entire crusades will launched in the name of maintaining power over the prices of 'Value Combo Meals'.

Red and yellow striped armies will wage vicious battles with tanks shaped like Whoppers, laser-guided chloresterol bombs launched from attack command centers situated in Drive-thru windows, Chicken Nugget landmines, flame-broil flamethrowers, and Curly-Fry grenades. Imagine a war where people rally under banners emblazoned with Golden Arches or a Taco Bells...where the hardened and loyal combat soldiers are led by 4-star Branch Generals with brass nameplates and service merits on their chests, and all strive to be the next 'Soldier of the Month' and have their pictures hung on the barracks wall for all to admire.

I can see new army recruits struggling through basic training with plastic buttons on their uniforms that say: "PLEASE BE PATIENT, I AM TRAINING.", and practicing their "War Faces": "aaaaarrrrGH! WILL THERE BE ANYTHING ELSE?!! aaaaarRRGHH! WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT, AAAARRRGGGHH!!" Can you imagine hearing the rhythmic cadences when the McCorps march off to war: “Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese! Pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun!”. Or, “This is my burger, this is my bun. This is for killing, this is for fun.” “That’s the sound of the men, working on the Drive-thru…windooOOOoow.” I could go on forever. But rest assured, this is one war that I would not want to be drafted to fight!

I’m sure Orwell is rolling over in his grave as the opposing armies for McDonald’s and Burger King clash over the ownership rights for the last remaining acres of rain forest with which to graze their beef cattle…or maybe, the troops from Kenny Roger’s Roasters launch a surprise attack on the armies of KFC in order to gain control of the Colonels secret recipe of seven herbs and spices.

It’ll be Corporate Fast Food Anarchy!


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