Friday, May 28, 2004

Bela Lugosi is Dead!

In today's day and age, I don't understand the allure of being "Goth".

I can understand when you're 16 and you have this irrepressible urge to rebel against everything and everyone around you, so you attach a towel rack to your face, cut some well-placed holes in your father's old suit jacket, and change your name to Vlad...but this mentality usually dissipates by the time you turn 24 years old. What would possess a regular 9-5er adult, like myself, to keep up and maintain this dark and mysterious formula to their daily persona's?

I suppose that the "Vitamin C deficient, nobody-loves-me" fashion will never go completely out of style as long as people are still racing to sit at the back of the public bus...and after conversing with a few "Dark Lords" at lunch over bagels and cream cheese today, I am convinced that they are just plain nuts. Keep in mind, that most "Goths" today, wouldn't recognize a single Bauhaus tune if Peter Murphy himself were to give them their next 'Prince Albert' body piercing. So, it doesn't seem to be a musical interest thing.

I have read somewhere that the tendency for a person to wear black 24 hours a day indicates that they have this common misconception that society has deemed them insignificant and worthless, so they permanently wear drab colored clothing so that nobody will notice them and they can continue to remain anonymous to wallow in their own doom and gloom and write depressing poetry in their diaries at bus stops, coffee shops, and benches at the public mall. This of course, is totally incorrect since I think that society instead, tends to view them as they would a carnival freak, like John Merrick, Jojo 'the Dog-Faced Boy', or even Michael Jackson. We are insatiably curious about them.

Instead, I think they present themselves like this for exactly the opposite stand out and satisfy their insatiable need to be recognized by EVERYBODY! How can you NOT notice the dipshit wearing a jet black trenchcoat and knee-high leather boots to a beach luau when it's only as hot as the surface of the sun and their eyebrow rings are practically melting off their faces? Or the douchebag maximus that shows up to a rodeo with dyed black hair, 'Nine Inch Nails' concert shirt, and has a chain attaching his nipples to the ring in his nose? The cowboys wouldn't know whether to throw a lasso around them and hogtie them, or drive a stake through their heart.

When I saw the remake of 'Dawn of the Dead' this past weekend, I'm not sure who was scarier, the zombies on the movie screen, or the freakshows in the aisle seats around me!

I think there has to be a "Goth Crisis Line" telephone number somewhere out there for any troubled Goths contemplating their 'glass is half empty of blood' attitudes toward life and considering a move towards being more pleasant in their outward conduct and appearance. Imagine working at THAT call center!

Goth caller: "Hello, I saw some puppies playing with each other in the grass at the park today and now I feel all warm and gushy inside, I'vei've been whistling 'Zipadee Doodah' all day!"
Goth councilor: "Remember, you are Nosferatu. You must find these puppies and kill them. Then, lock yourself in your bedroom with the lights out and listen to Slayer albums until your ears bleed."

Goth caller: "Hello, Goth Hotline? I saw a pretty flosun dressress at the market today and I began thinking about how nIce i would look in it."
Goth councilor: "Only store-bought daddy's princesses wsun dressessses. Go directly to Walmart and have another hole punched in your face. You are Goth...ACT LIKE ONE!"

Goth caller: "Hello? Yeah, my sister has been playing Abba albums all day and now I have 'Fernando' stuck in my head. In fact, I think I may be beginning to actually like it!"
Goth councilor: "The bitch MUST die! I would further suggest the sacrificing of a small animal to Satan and playing your Einsturzen Neaubauten albums backwards to remove the Swedish abomination from your brain pan completely."


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