Jellycide
I bought a bag of jellybeans today and opened the package at work and spread them out in the shape of a tree over my work surface. I positioned the jellybeans randomly, creating the "trunk", the "limbs", and the "leaves" of my jellybean tree. (The black jellybeans were disposed of in a swift and timely fashion, and without ceremony...the black sugary devils).
Over the course of the working day, as the itch hit my sweet tooth, I would munch away at the jellybean tree like Willy Wonka pruning one of his candy bonsai trees after an all-night bong party. Eventually, the jellybeans started to decrease in numbers.... and one by one, the colors began to dwindle.
I would begin to notice silly things, like that there would be three more orange jellybeans then there were of the yellow jellybeans, so I would munch the orange ones just to even out the numbers. Sometimes, the green jellybeans would begin to manipulate particular areas of the jellybean tree. So of course, they would have to be pruned back to. Then, a certain purple jellybean would look at me the wrong way, and chomp!...he AND his kind would be dealt with promptly and without discretion.
Eventually the harsh reality of my jellybean tree turned into bitter pill for me and the whole nature of the universe imploded in on my brain with bright crystal-clear clarity. I understood that my prejudices would take control of my better judgement in periodic spurts and I would be lead to heartlessly sacrifice particular colors of jellybeans just to satisfy my own sugar lust. I had become dizzy with sweetness.
Here I was a dictator of cruel fruity deliciousness, butchering innocent jellybeans that had done NOTHING to me in the first place! My once proud and rich colorful jellybean tree, had in fact turned into a confectionery-style Serbia, with the crumbs of the deceased littering my work surface to mark the senseless slaughter...the very desk top stained in the rainbow colors of the dye of the vanquished. It had become an 'every-jellybean-for-himself' killing field between the remaining jellybeans, all fighting and grasping for their own very existence.
Then it dawned on me: "Jellicide is WRONG!!" These jellybeans had a right to exist in mutual gooey harmony within their candy tree without the harsh fate of an evil munchie overlord reigning over their jellybean lives like Rosie McDonnell ruling over a box of Hostess 'Ding Dongs' on the last night of Ramadan.
Then I also thought: "fuck it, kill them ALL!!"
Jellywhiners.
Over the course of the working day, as the itch hit my sweet tooth, I would munch away at the jellybean tree like Willy Wonka pruning one of his candy bonsai trees after an all-night bong party. Eventually, the jellybeans started to decrease in numbers.... and one by one, the colors began to dwindle.
I would begin to notice silly things, like that there would be three more orange jellybeans then there were of the yellow jellybeans, so I would munch the orange ones just to even out the numbers. Sometimes, the green jellybeans would begin to manipulate particular areas of the jellybean tree. So of course, they would have to be pruned back to. Then, a certain purple jellybean would look at me the wrong way, and chomp!...he AND his kind would be dealt with promptly and without discretion.
Eventually the harsh reality of my jellybean tree turned into bitter pill for me and the whole nature of the universe imploded in on my brain with bright crystal-clear clarity. I understood that my prejudices would take control of my better judgement in periodic spurts and I would be lead to heartlessly sacrifice particular colors of jellybeans just to satisfy my own sugar lust. I had become dizzy with sweetness.
Here I was a dictator of cruel fruity deliciousness, butchering innocent jellybeans that had done NOTHING to me in the first place! My once proud and rich colorful jellybean tree, had in fact turned into a confectionery-style Serbia, with the crumbs of the deceased littering my work surface to mark the senseless slaughter...the very desk top stained in the rainbow colors of the dye of the vanquished. It had become an 'every-jellybean-for-himself' killing field between the remaining jellybeans, all fighting and grasping for their own very existence.
Then it dawned on me: "Jellicide is WRONG!!" These jellybeans had a right to exist in mutual gooey harmony within their candy tree without the harsh fate of an evil munchie overlord reigning over their jellybean lives like Rosie McDonnell ruling over a box of Hostess 'Ding Dongs' on the last night of Ramadan.
Then I also thought: "fuck it, kill them ALL!!"
Jellywhiners.
1 Comments:
ban the jellybeans!
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