Friday, May 28, 2004

The Secret's of Napoleon's Dick

I have read that when Napoleon died alone in exile on the island of Elba, his dick was cut off by an unknown clergymen who had cared for him, and it was sealed away and preserved in a holy vessel of some sort...a special "Catholic Dick Carrying Case" of sorts to preserve his virility for the future. Then, it was ritually presented to the Bishop of the state for safe keeping by the Catholic Church.

Now, as Bishops and holy clerics are known to do from time to time, they held a mass auction for anything not strapped down to the pews and Napoleon's sealed dick was sold for a nice tidy profit in order to raise important funds for the new Church stained-glass window representation of 'Jesus Posing with a Leper', or the Bishops latest all-nude schoolboy beach volleyball throw down, or some other necessary holy cause like that.

Since then,Napoleon's s sealed dick has been sold and resold through the generations, to various underground "protectors", art dealers, collectors, mega-rich Japanese businessmen, numerous Michael Jackson-esque historic weirdo's, and various fanatical odd relic wack jobs around the world. In fact, there are actually THREE known sealed Napoleon dicks in circulation still, to this day!

Assuming of course that Napoleon wasn't some freakish 5'4", three-cocked crusader...who in the HELL do the other sealed dicks belong to exactly?

Imagine the disappointment if you found out that the authentic 'Napoleon Dick' you bought for a quarter zillion dollars on the Black Market was proven to actually belong to a mere alter boy who's only historical claim to fame was banging the daughter of an over-protective Cardinal back in 1904.

I wonder who you would have to go to have your certified Napoleon Dick tested for authenticity? Is there some leading expert out there in the field of Dick Forensics, with a PhD in 'Historical Cockology'?

Imagine that segment on 'The Antiques Roadshow'! "Well madam, this mummified male penis you bought for $0.35 at a Church Garage Sale, ACTUALLY belongs to Napoleon Bonaparte. You can tell by the exquisite markings here in the testicular area that would indicate that the owner would have scratched himself with his LEFT hand. Now, how much would expect this penis to be worth now, hmmmmm?"

Then of course, there's the underground transaction for a fake Napoleon Dick going on somewhere in a dark back alley of Morocco:

"psssst! Hey, meng...ya wanna buy Napoleon's Dick?"
"Hmmmm...but how do I know it's the REAL Napoleon's Dick?"
"You ceen test it if you like it, meng. It'll blow yo socks off, dig?!"
"I'll have to test if first with my Dick Forensic specialist."
"Eh...yoo don't t-t-trust ME, meng?"

The world is a crazy place.


Blogger Tania Lechat said...

Les égyptіens de l’аntіquіté prélevаіent les orgаnes des morts en vue d’une conservаtіon et d’une protectіon dіvіne . rapport a la taille du penis

Plus proche de notre cіvіlіsаtіon, l’Eglіse cаtholіque entre аutres, а préservé des relіques de bon nombre de sаіnts (objets en contаct аvec le personnаge, d’аutres qu’іl аurаіt utіlіsé, ou évіdemment des restes physіques).
Rіen de choquаnt là dedаns, tout le monde le sаіt.

Le culte de lа relіque est donc loіn d’être nouveаu. Nі meme lorsque іl ne s’аgіt pаs de sаіnts à l’іnstаr de notre cher dіctаteur républіcаіn.
On іrа peut-être аdmіrer un jour lа presque-spontexіenne tаіlle de l’аppаreіl génіtаl de l’аmі Rаspoutіne-29cm-. (Pаs loіn de mérіter le tіtre posthume de modo)

7:22 AM  

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