Friday, May 28, 2004

Gourmet Coffee Conundrum

So, lets face is as much a staple to most of our regular diets as is air essential to live. Hell, most often I can't even begin the normal day unless I’ve brushed my teeth in an entire barrel of espresso.

I am a simpleton when it comes to my coffee. Black ~ in a non-biodegratable container ~ an hot. There's no half/calf decafs, no frothy somefuckinccino, and NO VIENTE NOTHING! I have never understood the popular craze behind the whole "gourmet coffee" trend. Coffee comes in jars, DAMNIT! No matter what you fuckin' label it, whether it be "Colombian Robust Coffee Beans", "Brazilian Rich Coffee Beans", or "Old Hectors Extra Dark Loco Coffee Bean"'s still fuckin' BLACK!

Case in point: an acquaintance of mine is a gourmeturmet coffee fanatic that he purchased through an on-line gourmet coffee marketing cartel some uber-chic "Javanese Weasel Coffee Beans" ~ the trendiest of the trendy in the gourmet coffee arena. It only set him back a mere $379.99 for a half pound of this shit. You see, the Javanese Weasel has a fondness for the indigenous coffee beans because of the sweet membrane that they grow in. Once the weasel has eaten the coffee bean, it is digested and excreted again in it's feces and somehow enriching the actual flavor of the coffee bean. Now, I'm not sure how they actually go about collecting these fecal beans, but the possible scenario images are all too sickeningly vivid in my mind. Picture: ladies from a local mountain village bent over with burlap sacks in a field of gorged weasels to collect the crapped out coffee beans. Sounds like a suitable emploopportunityrunity for exploited tribespeople by the likes of companies like Nike or Guillet.!

The thing is, NOW he's concerned that perhaps it's a scam and the whole gourmet coffee cartel thing is an elaborate ruse, and that he is actually being ripped off with something other than the true "Javanese Weasel Coffee Bean". I mean, they're all black and strong and do you really know? Is there a known test to verify the purity of the product? If you wipe some weasel crap beans over your gums with your finger like Sonny Crocket at a Columbian beachhouse drug raid, will it give you some obvious distinquishable buzz? "Oh yeah, Santos. That's good weasel shit coffee, meng."

The ultimate point is, what the FUCK has this world come to these days when you 've just spend and entire paycheck, and you're only mostly concerned about whether or not the beans that you just paid a kings randsom for, either may or may not, been REALLY shat out by a weasel.

Did I try some? Absolutely. It tastes like black coffee.


Blogger Kimmy said...

I figured that I should be the first to post a comment. You know how much I love (TIM HORTONS) coffee. I often giggle at myself for my "connoisseur" behaivors when it comes to coffee... but Terry, please, you must agree that "Office coffee" is the worst that there is. Even if it is just black......

5:01 AM  
Blogger crazytigerrabbitman said...

I am man of simple taste. Office coffee is all I have. At least I know it hasn't been passed through the bowel of one of my co-workers!

4:27 PM  
Blogger Kelly said...

Oh, how times have changed !

12:16 AM  

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