Thursday, May 27, 2004

Bamboo Shyster's

I made a rather ridiculous impulse buy in the supermarket checkout yesterday and I'm only now beginning to get the feeling that I was in fact screwed on my purchase.

While standing in line at the checkout, I decided to splurge a little on a tiny $1.99 stalk of 'Lucky Bamboo' (botanical name: Dracaena Sanderiana. Pardon? That sounds too 'Nosferatu' at the beginning there to be of any real spiritual inspiration to me...But, c'est la vie) that the ancient Chinese art of Feng Shui says will bring much needed health and prosperity into my life. RIGHT ON!! I could a little dose of both!

Anyways, at the time I thought that it would be a wise investment into the future of my mental and physical well-being. Hey, "4 out of 5 New Age weirdo's recommend 'Lucky Bamboo'" to improve upon the natural chi in their lives as well as realigning the flow of positive energy into the realm of existence within their humble abodes ~ and who doesn't need THAT , right?!

$1.99 ~ WHAT A BARGAIN!!

But then,after a closer inspection of the 'Lucky Bamboo' liner notes that came attached to my little cute rooted piece of green stick when I got home and I realize that I've been swindled by those alternative Chinese healer-types (like the old Chinese shopkeeper from the movie Gremlins)! This little Feng Shui 'Step-by-Step' instruction manual clearly indicates that: 3 stalks means happiness, 5 stalks means health, 7 stalks means wealth, and 8 stalks means prosperity. What the fuck?! You mean my little measly-assed $1.99 wooden whatchamafuckit is doing absolutely nothing for me as advertised? Essentially, it's useless. In fact, I could buy another $1.99 stalk of 'Lucky Bamboo' and thereby DOUBLE my luck and good fortune (as well as my expenditure on imported Asian fauna) and it STILL wouldn't be doing anything for me? What a travesty! I have to buy THREE of these little $1.99 ($6.96 w/ tax) bamboo fuckers before I will be able to experience any measurable degree of happiness?! Shit, you have to buy EIGHT of the green twisty bastards ($18.56 w/ tax) before you will achieve any sort of prosperity from your 'Lucky Bamboo' investment. What a fucking scam! These bamboo shysters are selling intangible wealth and healing like a Renaissance Pope selling Holy Indulgences to a naughty nobleman.

I think that the only ones really achieving any sort of happiness and prosperity are the spiritual charlatans who produce and distribute 'Lucky Bamboo'. In fact, the more individual purchases of the singularly useless bamboo stalks made, the more happy and prosperous these swindling bamboo pushers become! I also notice that if I DO, in fact, experience any level of happiness, health, wealth, or prosperity it will be only temporary for ONE year until new stalks must then be purchased to refresh the magical 'Lucky Bamboo' mojo and your good fortune is to continue. You mean to tell me that even GOOD FORTUNE has a 'Best-Before-Date'?

These Bamboo Snakeoil Salesmen must be stopped! I can only hope that within the next 80 years or so that my little $1.99 stalk of useless 'Lucky Bamboo' will grow big and hard enough to be able to be used to beat some bloody sense into these shady Feng Shui capitalists and Bamboo shaman alike for needlessly devaluating my spiritual health by putting an affixed dollar amount on my health and happiness.

I wonder if this spiritual gardener ideology is addictive to certain desperate needy spiritual flakes who use the 'Lucky Bamboo' stalks to fill an empty void in their lives? Before you know it, they develop into a Bamboholic with a three stalk-a-day habit! It's comparable to the 'Beanie Baby' phenomenon where these avid collectors believe that these useless tiny bamboo stalks are making them richer, healthier, and smarter. "If I can manage to collect another dozen stalks of 'Lucky Bamboo', then I will achieve total and complete harmony with the natural universe. If I get another twenty stalks after that, I will be given the meaning of life!" Meanwhile, their bank accounts and life savings slowly dwindle to support their impulsive checkout bamboo purchases and their own personal happiness bottoms out like a Weight Watchers cruise at low tide because they never ultimately reach a satisfactory level of personal spiritual balance in their lives ~ No matter however many purchases of these 'Lucky Bamboo' stalks are recommended by their "Feng Shui-for-Dummies".

So, anybody want to buy my little piece of ‘Lucky Bamboo’?


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