Thursday, May 27, 2004

Wookies for Hire!

Yesterdays unfortunate announcement is going to send thousands into instant turmoil by once again forcing them to rejoin functional society and become part of the norm. Phish, the pariahs of jam, have finally called it quits...In essence, to hang up their stage trampoline's for good. After 20 or so years of touring it seems that the machine has finally run out of steam.

Now, thousands of homely bearded (both male AND female), patchouli-scented wookie lookalikes* will be attempting to reenter the work force with gainful employment in order to pay off their touring debts. Just imagine the competition for the position of 'Gas Attendant' at the local Mobil Gas Bars nationwide! Each former Phishhead will immediately be recognizable by the large untamed dreadlocks falling out from underneath their sanitary Mobil uniform caps as they race to pump your gas and bum bus fare for the ride home after work.

McDonald's, Hardee's, and Kenny Rogers Roasters are no doubt salivating over welcoming the new influx of basic-skilled, minimum wage boobs into their corporate clutches with open arms ~ “You want fries with that, brah?” It will be like being beamed directly into the Mecca of hip culture each time you enter any fast food joint, as any ordinary ashier working behind the counter at any Roy Rogers will no doubt be an authority on Phish trivia and will instantly be able to recall the venue and date for each time 'Tweezer' was played in the past 10 years. Likewise, they will probably be able to whip up a Veggie Burrito blindfolded, be able to correctly give you the quickest back road shortcut from Great Woods, CA to Camden, NJ without blinking an eyelash, and will possess an equivalence field degree in Nitrous Tank Maintenance. Furthermore, if Grilled Cheese sandwiches ever become fashionable cuisine, there will instantly be about a zillion new Emeril's opening up gourmet restaurants all around the world.

To combat my own jonsing for a live Phish concert experience, I may have to resort to dressing up my cat in a polkadot sun dress and have him solo on my vacuum cleaner while I trip the light fantastique, spin out of control on my coffee table and pass out under my parked car in a puddle of my own vomit. WOO-HA!!

I wonder what the next touring phenomenon to emerge from the wake of Phish's absence from the touring circuit will be? Maybe 'Hootie & the Blowfish' will make a triumphant comeback, or Yanni will suddenly find himself with a whole new host of fans with a renewed appreciation for Jewish folk music.

* and I'm talkin' Circus UGLY here, like someone inadvertently opened the Arc of the Covenant or something!


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