Thursday, May 27, 2004

It's Fiesta Day!

Good God! Didn't we just butcher the poor Irish enough only last month, that now we have to stage another ridiculous office celebration in another sad attempt to boost our battered moral with hollow tokens of appreciation...And in this case, by way of tacos, tortillas, salsa, and pop?

Hell, I just returned from 10 days vacation in the beautiful Rocky Mountains...You could tell me it's 'National Oompa-Loompa Appreciation Day' and I'd party like it was 1999 all over again as long as there is free chocolate, everlasting Gobstoppers, and a high-kicking, green haired midget chorus line performing for my amusement. I have no fuckin' idea where 'Fiesta' is exactly, nor anything about their cultural heritage beyond the fact that they have an affinity for spicy dips and straw hats.

The bottom line is that 'fiesta' in Spanish translates into English as 'celebration'...And that means PAAAAAAAAR-TAY!! So, tap the keg and cue up your 'Kool & the Gang' Greatest Hits CD...It's time to get down and let our backbones slide like a contortionist at a limbo party. Let the maracca's sound across the work floor like a pit of angry rattlesnakes.

To add to the excitement, there were chances for the employee's to win the opportunity to take a few swings at a pinata shaped like a donkey and stuffed with candy and novelty toys. FUCKIN' RIGHT!! I'll do just about anything for the chance alone to blindly wave a big stick in the company of my work peers any day...And there doesn't even need to be a pinata there at all!

I can imagine the carnage at the Hotel Dieu hospital down the street later in the day: "Doctor, we were just sitting there enjoying our natcho's and maccho picchu salsa, and this blindfolded madman in a sombrero comes staggering through...Wildly swinging a pool cue like a disgruntled Sein Fein MP between government sessions in the parliamentary pub...It was TERRIBLE! Poor Sally, she got a candy Tootsie Roll lodged in her eye....It was CHAOS!!"

Perhaps instead, we should at least make the thinnest attempt to incorporate some authentic Latin culture into our 'Fiesta Day' festivities beyond the balloons and streamers. I suggest that we make a human sacrifice out of the worst salesman and throw him into a live volcano (or in a pinch, the dumpster behind KFC). Maybe we can launch our own little Inquisition on the business building across the street and spread our various flu bugs and germ infestations among the rival heathen workers if they don’t willingly convert to our recognized guideline's of business conduct. Better yet, let's all drink tainted water and hold wind sprints back and forth between the employee's bathrooms. Most definitely, there should at least be an award to award the team that is best able to prevent themselves from gassing each other into a coma with their own bodily emissions after a full lunch of complimentary bean burrito's and beef tacos.

Of course, there was that moment of public embarrassment when I suddenly had to conceal my boner at the 'Fiesta Buffet' upon being questioned by the Social Committee convener: "hard, soft, or vegetarian?"


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