Thursday, May 27, 2004

Hooray, for Prostate Cancer!

A scientific survey has recently been put forward that suggests that men who ejaculate a lot aren't really doing themselves any physical harm, and they most certainly are NOT going blind!

In fact, they may actually be reducing their chances of getting prostate cancer altogether according to the latest study..."The biggest of it's kind" (and if that statement doesn't load a shot in your chamber than I don't know what will!) The research team looked at all forms of ejaculation, including sexual intercourse with both women and men (btw...I think it's great that cancer doesn't sexually discriminate against homosexual men), masturbation, or nocturnal emissions. Now THERE'S a research laboratory that I wouldn't want to work in! Slippery floors, sticky magazines in the lobby, stains on the ceiling, the sound of slapping flesh resonating through the halls like a herd of sea lions tap dancing.

Studies have shown that men would have to ejaculate at least 13 times a month over their lifetimes in order to achieve a significant decrease in their chances of contracting prostate cancer. My head is immediately spinning over my own mental calculations regarding my own personal ejaculate statistics: "let's see, 32 times a day...7 days a week...365 calendar days a year...minus the leap year..." HELL! I just may be the healthiest person alive on the planet!! Shit, my "nocturnal emissions" alone by the time I was 16 would have been enough to sink the Titanic! I'd even go so far as to say that cancer may even owe me a little "in lieu" time for going above and beyond the call of duty. Wouldn't that be sweet? "Mr. Nash, because of your continuing generous efforts in the way of your multiple ejaculations over the years, we have decided to add on an extra 3 years to your life. Congratulations!"

However, researchers also say that studies may be flawed since the results were based on the memories of older men and then only projected ejaculation statistics were made based on these claimed ejaculation habits as young males. Pardon? I can't remember how many times I beat off yesterday (probably a dozen times alone during the latest Maybeline television advert), much less thirty or forty years later! All I know is that if this is the case, I’m going to continue spanking the weasel with all the voraciousness of Paul Reubens at the Adult Video “Hot d’Hors” Awards.

I can't wait until this research laboratory releases the findings of it's other ongoing studies: "Anal Sex Makes you SMARTER!", "Blowjobs Prevent Extreme Halytosis!", and "Tit Fucking Increases Your IQ!"


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